Anger: To Control or To Learn

Many of us will do anything to avoid another's anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another's anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others.

Let's take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it.

The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action ? to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.

Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within ? from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe.

Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another's feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another's needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship.

When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it.

Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see our free course at www.innerbonding.com), we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power.

The Anger Process

The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger.

Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness.

1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.)

2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one.

3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior.

By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue ? how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation.

Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

---

Im Gonna Die MY Way

My wife says I have the strangest taste in movies.... Read More

Make a Decision and Take Action!

How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself... Read More

Why Don?t You Just Stuff It ALL?

You got busy at work, got busy in your marriage,... Read More

Great Advice

It never ceases to amaze me that every time I... Read More

The Right Time and Place

(Channelled)Roy?I am sending you this quote from Sōtō Zen, Dōgen's... Read More

What Does It Take To Have It All In Life?

Many people have asked me why I wrote my book,... Read More

Is The Apprentice Bad For Your Health?

If you know who I mean when I say Kwame,... Read More

What Are Your Priorities?

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want... Read More

Coaching Prime Time

An awful lot of fantastic coaching has been coming out... Read More

Parts that Make the Whole? or Not

There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical... Read More

Still Wondering About Coaching?

A friend called me the other day from Lower Alabama.... Read More

Coaching May Be For You

Are you looking for someone who will hold you accountable... Read More

How to Optimize the Awesome Power of Thoughts and Imagination

Have you encountered a time when you were in a... Read More

How to Deal Effectively with Anxiety

Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part... Read More

5 Minute Morning Balance Ritual

"3 Questions, 5 Minutes a Day: Make leaps towards greater... Read More

Guilt By Association & Wealth By It Too!

"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee... Read More

Essence of Awakeness

Be conscious, aware, and alert. Pay attention. Remember when you... Read More

3 Tips for a Great Summer - Developing Life & Business While Having a Blast

As the last day of school arrives I feel the... Read More

How to Jump-start Your Emotional Health

You've probably heard the expression: "It's not what you're eating.... Read More

Friends?

I met my friend when we were in graduate school,... Read More

Let Go of Your Past

People have a difficult time letting go of the past... Read More

Good Communication is Easy - Isn?t It?

My name is Steve Brummet and my business is to... Read More

4 Amazing Tips To Successfully Persuade Anyone

Having excellent persuasion skills is one of the most important... Read More

Several Red Flags for Spotting a Phony or Scam

The world is full of phonies and scammers these days.... Read More

Why Therapy Fails Sometimes

I saw a couple for marriage counseling this week, and... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hire a Personal Coach

Have you considered hiring a personal coach? Jack Canfield, in... Read More

Greasing the Path to Success: Finding the Confidence to Step Up to Key Moments

Whether it's making a prospecting call to a promising business... Read More

4 Underused Hot Spots for Your Personal Branding Iron

I'll never forget what my mentor told me: "Don't communicate... Read More

Surviving the Workday in Your Organization

Most people suffer from stress at some time during the... Read More

7 Destructive Habits of Incompetent People

WARNING! If you want to have a fantastic life, never... Read More

Crisis: Danger or Opportunity?

I have often heard motivational speakers say that the word... Read More

How Can Sceptics Get the Proof They Need

Are you one of those folks that needs to figure-it-out... Read More

A Numbers Game!

Three years ago, Paul left his corporate job to launch... Read More