Are You Invisible?

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn't really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen's feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren't important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen's health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible ? to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

• Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

• Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

• Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

• Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

• Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

• Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

• Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

• Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

• Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

• Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

• Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way ? physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually ? to avoid rejection?

• Do you allow others' anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

• Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others' anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won't like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself ? with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Do You Mind If Someone Screams At You?

A headhunter was on the other end of the phone.... Read More

Fear Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of!

What do you do when fear shows up? Do you... Read More

Email Etiquette 1

I thought it might be worth visiting some email etiquette... Read More

A Numbers Game!

Three years ago, Paul left his corporate job to launch... Read More

Sorry Dr Maslow, I Think You Got It Wrong

In the 1950s Abraham Maslow published a book entitled "... Read More

Good, Good, Good, Good Intentions

I always do a lot of thinking about good intentions... Read More

Coaching: YOU Can Improve Your Organizations Performance

GOOD BUSINESS COACHING: Clearly, the right kind of coaching can... Read More

The Story ?From the Chicken Coop??

Many years ago my grandfather, had a small farm and... Read More

Belief Management - The Missing Ingredient?

"Joan, I'm working so hard and I'm not getting anything... Read More

Greasing the Path to Success: Finding the Confidence to Step Up to Key Moments

Whether it's making a prospecting call to a promising business... Read More

Embracing Excellence

Joey rises before dawn to pack his lunch, eager for... Read More

What To Do? Lifes Big Question

We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in... Read More

Our Perception Determines Our Experience

Not long ago, I traveled back east to Ohio and... Read More

We Are Exactly Where We Choose to Be

The idea for this month's newsletter came from an unlikely... Read More

What Are Your Priorities?

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want... Read More

Training is Not the Same Thing as Exercising

What it takes to GROW!In almost every workshop we deliver,... Read More

Expectations Can Get In Our Way

There are times when we truly look forward to something... Read More

What The Buddha Says About Coaches

There is a Buddhist saying that goes like this: "If... Read More

If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your Approach

And ironically the more we worry about it, the more... Read More

Overcoming Work Addiction

Why are you so busy? Do you really have too... Read More

Aim For Your Star

"Aim for your star, no matter how far, you must... Read More

Get Coached!

Coaching is a hot trend at a growing number of... Read More

Executive Coaching and Effective Learning

We've all been through training events-workshops, seminars, and courses that... Read More

Parts that Make the Whole? or Not

There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical... Read More

That Little Bit Of Extra

The "little bit extra" is a very powerful concept to... Read More

How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things Over

How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things OverJim... Read More

What is Coaching?

Recently, I have received several emails asking me about coaching... Read More

How to Tune In Your Brain & Feel Confident with People in Moments

One day when I was in school, many years ago,... Read More

Make a Decision and Take Action!

How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself... Read More

A Small Piece Of Carpet

Have you ever noticed how the way you feel about... Read More

7 Effective Ways To Boost Your Self Esteem

1. Get a life purpose statement.A well thought out life... Read More

3 Tips for a Great Summer - Developing Life & Business While Having a Blast

As the last day of school arrives I feel the... Read More

How to Choose the Right Coach for You

So you want to hire a coach but with so... Read More