Are You Invisible?

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn't really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen's feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren't important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen's health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible ? to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

• Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

• Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

• Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

• Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

• Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

• Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

• Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

• Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

• Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

• Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

• Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way ? physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually ? to avoid rejection?

• Do you allow others' anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

• Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others' anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won't like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself ? with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Do You Ever Give Up Coaching Employees?

In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees.... Read More

How to Get More Business Without Even Trying

Why are you in business? Hopefully you enjoy what you... Read More

What Is A Personal Trainer

Imagine stepping into the gym for the first time in... Read More

The Power of a Scope

We all know the power of a scope if you... Read More

A Murder Mystery Puzzle for You to Solve

Anybody who has visited my website at Motivation & Self... Read More

Guilt: Is it Getting in the Way of Your Self-Care?

When Do We Usually Feel Guilty? When:We're not feeling ok... Read More

Dont Settle

Settling is about not embracing what is best for you,... Read More

The Harvest: Shared Power

The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The... Read More

Enhancing Life for a Lifetime

Do you often feel lonely, anxious, or even depressed? Is... Read More

Searching For Your Calling ? Quest or Curse?

Judging by the extraordinarily positive reader response to Po Bronson's... Read More

Choosing The Perfect Coach

So, you're ready to start coaching. You either have some... Read More

Life Coach, Counsellor, or Therapist; - How do I choose?

Life coaching has become fashionable in recent years and there... Read More

Invest Your Inner Wealth

It started out like any other Wednesday - reports to... Read More

Coaching May Be For You

Are you looking for someone who will hold you accountable... Read More

Managing Your Perfectionism

What Is Perfectionism?This is the first of two newsletters that... Read More

Life Coaching for Success and Fulfilment

We live in a world of rapid change and uncertainty.... Read More

Secrets of Creating Interpersonal Power

If you work with people, as a company owner, manager... Read More

Learn to Say No!

How many times have you agreed to do something that... Read More

Walt Disney, the Inspiration to Form a Better Life?

You, like many others, may have come to this article... Read More

The Tolerance Effect

While working with a client several months ago, we went... Read More

101 Winning Choices

Personal missions statements (PMS) are just nothing but the winning... Read More

People Pleasing and How to Stop!

"People pleasing can leave you feeling empty and taken advantage... Read More

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 1)

He's been around since the dawn of humanity. His profession... Read More

You Can Get There From Here

But first you've got to raise your standards.I know at... Read More

How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer ? Part A for Attitude!

My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years... Read More

Unhook From The Perpetual Progress Grid

I have been a member of a group called the... Read More

Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching

Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout.... Read More

Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee

One of the most distressing observations I have made among... Read More

Bringing Forgiveness Down To Earth

What does it mean to forgive?One of the first things... Read More

Coaching Can Help Teachers At A Crossroads In Their Careers

Teachers enter the profession with the desire to help others,... Read More

Getting Unstuck: Moving Forward To Success

Ever find yourself stuck in that awful loop of inactivity?... Read More

Do You Need a Performance Coach?

In today's fast paced world, we are often confronted with... Read More

Developing Will Power and Self Discipline

Most people admire and respect strong individuals, who have won... Read More