Being an Emotional Victim

None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims. Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are victims much of the time without realizing it.

We are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance, or an activity responsible for our feelings of happiness and lovability. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on. Whenever we choose to define ourselves externally, we are handing away power to others and we then feel controlled by their choices.

When we choose to define ourselves internally through our connection with our spiritual Guidance, we move into personal power and personal responsibility. The moment we sincerely want to learn about our own intrinsic worth and what behavior is in our highest good, and we ask Spirit, we will receive answers. Most people do not realize how easy it is to receive answers from a spiritual Source. The answers will pop into your mind in words or pictures, or you will experience the answers through your feelings, when your sincere desire is to learn.

We always have two choices: we can try to find our happiness, peace, safety, security, lovability and worth through people, things, activities, and substances; or we can feel joyful, peaceful, safe, secure, lovable and worthy through connection with a spiritual Source of love and compassion - taking loving care of ourselves and loving others.

Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don't come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices.

Here is an example: Don and Joyce are in a continual power struggle over how to handle their children. Joyce tends to be authoritarian while Don is fairly permissive. When Joyce gets frustrated with Don's parenting, she generally yells at him about his permissiveness. Don often listens to Joyce rant and rave at him. Sometimes she goes on for over an hour and he just listens. Then, when he tries to talk with her, she refuses to listen. Don then feels victimized, complaining about how Joyce yells at him and refuses to listen to him.

When I asked Don in a counseling session with him why he sits and listens to Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her she would listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these conflicts, and he answered "No."

"Why do you need her to listen to you?"

"I want to explain to her why I did what I did with the children."

"Why do you need to explain it to her?"

"So she won't be mad at me."

Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he tried to explain to further control how she feels about him. When she won't listen, he feels victimized by her yelling, blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.

If Don were willing to take responsibility for approving of himself through his connection with his Higher Power, he would not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he would set a limit against being yelled at, stating that he would listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not set this limit. Until Don opens to his spiritual Guidance for his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he will be a victim of her unloving behavior.

Taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability through developing our spiritual connection, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out of being victims and into personal power.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Transitions: Moving Through Change With Grace

MOVING THROUGH CHANGECreating any major change in our lives can... Read More

Coaching Skills for Peers: Extending Influence

Many people think of coaching solely as a management technique.... Read More

What Can Be Changed In Management To Improve Bottom Line Results?

If you don't have the full support and understanding of... Read More

Diverse Marketing Strategies for Those Living with Disabilities

Imagine yourself as the only means of financially supporting you.... Read More

Getting What You Need: Ask For Help!

"Fortune befriends the bold." - John DrydenI regularly work with... Read More

Life On The Receiving End Of Coaching

What is it like to be on the receiving end... Read More

Unleash Your True Potential

Some time ago I attended a birthday party and met... Read More

So Why Are They Really Here?

It does make you wonder sometimes, doesn't it? You know... Read More

Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant

Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I... Read More

Q-Tip It!

Back in the 1920's when Polish-American entrepreneur Leo Gerstenzang invented... Read More

Making Communication Effective: 4 Language Filters

Language is a challenging way to communicate. It allows us... Read More

Overcoming Work Addiction

Why are you so busy? Do you really have too... Read More

Using Audio Programs to Increase Your Knowledge and Productivity

If you do any significant amount of driving, a simple... Read More

More Money & Less Stress?

At 2pm last Wednesday, I got a call from one... Read More

How to Make $100,000 as a Personal Trainer

In the movie, "The Gladiator," Emperor Commodus' rose to power... Read More

Success Secrets - The #1 Money Secret I Learned from Interviewing Over 23 Millionaires

All over the Net, people are asking you to pay... Read More

Surviving the Workday in Your Organization

Most people suffer from stress at some time during the... Read More

Top Ten Things You Would Never Hear a Coach Say (or then again?!)

When coaching, it's all about the client, be that as... Read More

Going Beyond Life Coaching

In Corrogue the air is chill and the frost is... Read More

Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It.

Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41... Read More

We Are the Five People We Associate with Most

Last month I was invited to participate in a charity... Read More

How To Gain Control Of Your Life

"The latter part of a wise man's life," said Jonathan... Read More

Say Adios to the Fear of Rejection!

Do you ever get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach... Read More

Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further... Read More

How to Turn Around A Sinking Conversation - 7 Tips

When a conversation is not working out there is the... Read More

A Christmas Wish

My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She... Read More

Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don?t Talk ?Listen

Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference... Read More

The Incredible Human Psyche

The intriguing Human psyche - more complex than the metamorphosing... Read More

Two Pillows and One Dead Husband

That's what I needed when I delved deeply into my... Read More

4 Amazing Tips To Successfully Persuade Anyone

Having excellent persuasion skills is one of the most important... Read More

Gullibles Travels

A journey by a web-footed gull through a sea of... Read More

The Benefits of Coaching

When I was first introduced to the profession of personal... Read More

I Give Free Consultations... So, Why Dont They Hire Me?

I show my clients a way to answer the question,... Read More