Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."

5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"

15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach, and pscyhotherapist. His two New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Rockland County, Essex County, Passaic County and Manhattan. He also offers online and telephone counseling services. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.

---

How Coaches Find Clients Online

At a recent networking meeting Jana asked for a recommendation... Read More

Just Listen, Please!

When did you last do that? When did you last... Read More

How To Overcome Stuck States In Personal Growth

Although many of us use self-help tools like affirmations, visualizations,... Read More

How to Get More Business Without Even Trying

Why are you in business? Hopefully you enjoy what you... Read More

One BIG Way To Increase Your Values and Self-Esteem

One hour here, two hours there, even fifteen minutes, it... Read More

How to Solve Disputes with the Helicopter Talk Technique

Do you ever find that when a friend asks for... Read More

What in the World is Life Coaching?

In my speaking engagements I have often compared coaching today... Read More

Coaching for Results

He's a very successful sales manger who craves results. He... Read More

Crisis: Danger or Opportunity?

I have often heard motivational speakers say that the word... Read More

A Fresh Look at the Choices We Make

We are frequently held back from making future plans or... Read More

The Real Truth About Working Smarter, Not Harder

Running a business or department can often stretch you to... Read More

Successful Change Starts With A Shift In Perspective

Like so many in corporate America today, Susan needed more... Read More

Six Steps for Creating Work-Life Balance

Today an increasing number of us are experiencing burnout, low... Read More

Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don?t Talk ?Listen

Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference... Read More

Make Your Life Easier?

'Have you read the Art of War?' someone asked me... Read More

Executive Coaching and the American President

Perhaps no one better than a former U.S. president has... Read More

Buyer Beware: Choose A Business Coach Carefully To Get The Results You Want

Consider this scenario. A colleague suggests you get a business... Read More

Let Go of Your Past

People have a difficult time letting go of the past... Read More

Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...

Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only... Read More

Whats Up With All These Coaches?

If you are anything like me, you may have noticed... Read More

Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life

To keep at the top of your game you have... Read More

How to be Your Authentic Self

Most of us play many different roles in the course... Read More

Coaching is Asking the Right Questions

Have you ever known anyone who asked themselves "Why me?"... Read More

Strategic Checklists

I've been through a couple of checklists in the past... Read More

The Pitfalls of Procrastination

We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes... Read More

What The Buddha Says About Coaches

There is a Buddhist saying that goes like this: "If... Read More

Is Coaching Everything That It Is Cracked Up To Be?

Personal or business coaching has helped thousands change their lives... Read More

Passport to Passion

Passion is a feeling of excitement and intensity. The energy... Read More

4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted

No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will... Read More

Kabbalah Coach: Love the One Youre With

IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure... Read More

Loving Every Phenomenal Part of You

Have you ever wished yourself away? I am not referring... Read More

Choosing The Right Coach

Coaching has become a very popular way for people to... Read More

Do You Want to Make More Money as A Life Coach

There's a lot of coaches out there not making any... Read More