Writing Technique: The Restaurant Syndrome

Picture this scene.

Your hero is sitting in a bar. He's thinking about things... life, death, taxes, the way he's being chased by a serial killer... whatever.

While he thinks, he sips his beer/Jim Beam/wine/etc.

Sip.

He thinks some more.

Sip.

He makes a casual comment to the barperson.

Sip.

He looks over his shoulder and sees the killer in the doorway and beats a hasty retreat to the men's.

Thank goodness. Because at least this means he leaves the darned drink behind!

Of course, the scene isn't written in quite such a bare-bones form as the one you see above. But the reader gets bored anyway. The problem is, the author hasn't made an effort to show the character doing something other than drinking. (Yes, I know that's probably why he's in the bar in the first place... but your job as the author is to think about what else he might be doing.)

Example

Tony sipped at his beer and thought about what to do next. The guy wasn't going to give up; that much was obvious. How come he knew so much? Where Tony worked, his weekend routine, his sister's address...

How the hell had he found out where Mandy lived? She'd only been there a month or so. He gulped down another mouthful of the beer. As though she hadn't suffered enough. Now this.

Of course, if he knew all that, he probably knew that this was where Tony came to drink, too. He could be out there right now, watching.

It was an effort not to turn and look towards the door. Instead, he tilted the glass and let the liquid flow down his throat. If he was out there, let him make the next move.

He caught the barman's eye, pointed a finger at the glass and nodded. If Tony sits here for much longer without any action, we're likely to watch while he sips the beer, swallows the beer, and gulps the beer. He'll drain the glass; tilt the glass and stare into the amber depths; idly swish the liquid around in the glass... do I need go on?

We've all seen scenes like this. They seem to happen when people are:

• in a bar or club drinking

• in a restaurant eating

• in a kitchen making & drinking coffee or tea

If they are drinking, they continually sip/slurp/drink/drain glasses etc.

If they are in a restaurant, they "take a bite of" this and "spear another forkful" of that. You'll read lines like "he took another bite"; "he ate some more steak"; "he drank some more wine" ad nauseam.

You'll find characters drinking coffee, sipping it (again... a lot of sipping goes on in books); blowing on the coffee to cool it; stirring it; dropping lumps of sugar in it; adding cream or milk to it... until the reader feels like screaming "I KNOW HOW COFFEE IS MADE! I KNOW HOW TO DRINK IT TOO!"

You might be sitting there thinking: Well, so what? Isn't it logical that people would eat when they go to a restaurant? Shouldn't you show them having a drink?

Sure. That's fair enough. But once you show them having a sip of wine or a forkful of chicken schnitzel, stop.

Take a mental look around. (No, not around you. Around the setting in which you've placed your characters.)

• Who else is there? What are they doing?

• What else is going on around the main character(s)?

• What mood is the main character in? How can you show this by actions other than eating or drinking?

• How might the conversation lead to other actions taken by the main character?

• Can you think of a twist that would lead to extra suspense or humour in a commonplace setting?

• Is the character uncomfortable for some reason, so this discomfort becomes the main focus of his/her attention? (e.g. tight new clothes, an unfamiliar pain or ache, a headache, an allergy to the other person's perfume or aftershave?)

Once you start thinking, there are many, many other things that you can show your characters doing. Use them to your advantage.

The Restaurant Syndrome on Replay

It's bad enough having one scene in which a character is continually sipping or 'taking another bite' of something. But when you have that character forever going to the same place to repeat the effort, the reader will be ready to lynch you.

• Do you have your characters continually talking over coffee?

• How many scenes are there in which you send your characters out to eat or drink?

Remember that most of us squeeze a lot into our days. We move around the house, we drive from A to B, we go shopping, take out the garbage and go to the movies.

We interact with our friends and families in many different ways. Next time you write a scene, try to steer away from the obvious. Look for details that will help you add depth to character, create humour or build suspense.

Not sure if you're guilty of 'the restaurant syndrome'?

Try this. Open up your word processor, access your story file and do a search for the following terms: sip/sipped/drank/coffee/drink

ate/forkful/bite/food If you come up with 156 instances of the word 'drank' or 'sipped', you might be in trouble :-) Time for a rewrite...

(c) Copyright Marg McAlister

Marg McAlister has published magazine articles, short stories, books for children, ezines, promotional material, sales letters and web content. She has written 5 distance education courses on writing, and her online help for writers is popular all over the world. Sign up for her regular writers' tipsheet at http://www.writing4success.com/

---

Publish Your Novel on the First Try

Rejection. This scary word plagues virtually every writer this side... Read More

New York Code Orange Jaisini New Art Series

The creativity of Jaisini is not designed to be preaching... Read More

Writing Is Not Life-threatening

Some writers complain that writing is arduous work requiring long... Read More

Writing For The Web: Where To Get Article Ideas

A friend and I were talking the other day about... Read More

Mind Mapping Your Journal Entries

Clustering, also called Mind Mapping, is a great way to... Read More

Writing With Power: 5 Snappy Rules For Success

Almost everyone could profit from enhancing their writing skills. From... Read More

How Can You Find Freelance Work As A Writer?

For those looking at the jobs listings for writers, they... Read More

Tips On Writing A Killer Sales Letter

Writing a sales letter doesn't have to be that difficult... Read More

How to Finish Your Self-Published Book Fast

Started a book and then got bogged down? Like many... Read More

Dont Rely on Your Spellchecker - or - The Importance of Good Proof Reading

Weather posting a page to your Website, writing a letter... Read More

How To Avoid Viewpoint Slips

Sit back, and imagine what it feels like to be... Read More

Tips for First Time Authors : 2 Easy Steps to Make Your First Book a Success

Congratulations on writing your first book. That is quite an... Read More

Dig Deeper to Reveal Character

He ran up the steps and knocked on the door.... Read More

Tips For Better Writing

It is certainly true that we don't get a second... Read More

How To Write for the Web

The Scanning ReaderWriting for the Web is different than writing... Read More

How to Come Up with Fresh Story Ideas

How to Come Up with Fresh Story Ideas When Your... Read More

Should You Hire a Ghostwriter?

Have you heard the term 'ghostwriter' and wondered what they... Read More

Before You Write Your Book, Organize Its Parts - Part 2

If you are a serious writer who wants to publish... Read More

Writing Press Releases That Get Noticed

Among the various foolproof methods used to boost traffic to... Read More

10 Best Writers Who Ever Lived

Compiling a list of the history's ten best writers is... Read More

Looking For Good Copywriter Books?

If you are looking for copywriter books, you'll want to... Read More

A Quick Guide to ISBNs for Self-Publishers

ISBN stands for International Standard Book Number. It is a... Read More

Childrens Stories - The Essentials

There is no specific formula for children's fiction. There are,... Read More

Strategies For Finding Topics To Write About

What possibly could I have to write about? I never... Read More

Im Just The Writer

Writers are often are greatly surprised or disappointed by how... Read More

The Arrogant Writer: Five Ways To Nurture and Defend Your Muse

Arrogance has a bad rap. We think of arrogant people... Read More

A Simple Contest with a Strong Message: Wake Up Your Writing Spirit

The Blogfest 2005 Writing Contest has only been running for... Read More

Go With The Flow: Write With Transition Words and Phrases

One of the most common weaknesses I see in day-to-day... Read More

A Book Note Vs a Book Report

IntroductionSince our early days of elementary education we have been... Read More

Writer School?

Here's something from my mailbag. "Dear Michael, do you need... Read More

Know your Audience Before you Write Your Book or Web Site

If you want happy customers to use your service or... Read More

How To Build A Successful Freelance Editorial Career

In the current job market, many editorial freelancers have turned... Read More

Frequently Asked Questions from Writers

1. What Is A Premise?A premise is the point you... Read More