Three Tips for Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Management

Elizabeth, 32, cried during anger management class as she told how one year ago - her 19-month-old girl was permanently brain-damaged as the result of a medical error at the hospital in which she was delivered.

Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and medical staff, and felt that she could never forgive them for what she saw as their incompetence. She clearly was not yet ready to forgive. She felt she needed her simmering anger to motivate her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and otherwise to deal with this horrific situation.

Yet, at some point in the future - when she is ready - Elizabeth might decide to find a way to forgive. To be able to do this, she will have to take the step of separating two things in her mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.

Reasons to forgive

Elizabeth cannot change what was done to her daughter, but she can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to hold an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the past the power to determine her present emotional well being. Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized over and over again, trapped in an emotional prison.

Should you forgive?

The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management classes feel that certain things cannot and shouldn't be forgiven; others feel that ultimately anything can be forgiven.

As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford Forgiveness Project successfully worked with Protestant and Catholic families of Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other. Using the techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and get on with their lives.

On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic `"After the Affair," cautions that quickly and easily forgiving a cheating partner indicates low self-esteem. In her view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner, but given automatically.

Reasons to forgive

Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to forgiveness:

- Forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.

- Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows that forgiveness often improves your peace of mind. A 1996 study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them, the less angry they were.

- Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower anxiety and depression.

Forgiveness tips

It is common for angry people to think, "I want to forgive, and I know I should, but I don't know how." Here are some starting points:

Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.

Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to you.

Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see love, beauty and kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past their grievances.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

---

9 Warning Signs of Stress

Stress is the nastiest 4 letter word you ever met.... Read More

Manage Stress and Fear: Visit The Secret Garden!

Recently I completed some new workshop engagements in addition to... Read More

Natural Stress Relief - Without a Doctor!

Are you looking for stress relief? No drugs, no meditation?... Read More

The Best Stress Relief and Its Free!

"Let your mind be quiet, realizing the beauty of the... Read More

Stress Management and Mastery: 3 Steps to Loving What You Do

My first real job (schedule, time clock, paycheck, boss) was... Read More

The Physiology of Stress

In the body, the stress response is mediated by the... Read More

Unmanaged Stress Kills and Ruins Lives! Sit a Bit

When I pay attention, I clearly see the arresting ways... Read More

Nipping Stress In the Bud: The Principles of Stress Relief

Stress is normal. Stress is OK. Stress is the same... Read More

Improving Self Esteem with Affirmations and Therapeutic Relaxation Music

Positive self-esteem is very important for our general health and... Read More

Stress Management Through Altering Beliefs And Increasing Knowledge

Most humans experience unexpected setbacks which can cause huge stress... Read More

Haris Stress Inventory

Conceptualizing stress: Stress often has a negative connotation. Failure, illnesses,... Read More

Reduce Stress and Increase Energy with Your Point of View!

Defending your point of view can use up a lot... Read More

How To Use Diet To Reduce Your Stress

The Problem You don't need me to tell you how... Read More

Stress Dangerously Raises Cholesterol Levels

Several studies, including one of medical students around exam time,... Read More

7 Tips to Relieve Stress At Work

Do you feel stress at work? Do you carry your... Read More

Quick Steps On Handling Stress

Looking for some quick stress relief?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker,... Read More

I?m Gettin? Really Torqued!

For those of you who have been living in a... Read More

Stress Management - Overcoming Adversity

Adversity is an unavoidable part of life. Death of a... Read More

Beyond the Stress of Success - Access Your Thriving Zone

Genuine enthusiasm...real feeling of accomplishment...sense of satisfaction and fun. Welcome... Read More

The Epidemic of the Eighties is Still Here

IntroductionTime magazine called stress the "The Epidemic of the Eighties".... Read More

Stress Management and Mastery: Frustration or Fascination

"Learn how to turn frustration into fascination. You will learn... Read More

Overcoming Stress: Successful Living The Easy Way

So many of us live a stressful life. Unfortunately, when... Read More

What The Most Dangerous Job In The World Taught Me About Coping With Stress

I just got through reading some troubling news in the... Read More

Brain Diet : Right Diet prevents Memory Loss

These days, when people have become so conscious about what... Read More

Social Phobia

Imagine going through your whole life in the constant fear... Read More

Stress Managment and Mastery: 7 Ways to Take Yourself Off Restriction

Q. So many times in my life, I seem to... Read More

Putting Your Life in Perspective

Do you often overreact to situations? Are you a constant... Read More

Technology and Stress- How to Prevent Technology From Taking Over Your Life

1. 5-minute rule. How many times do we say, "This... Read More

Anger Management: Is It Finally Time To Forgive?

In order to free ourselves from the pain of anger... Read More

Stress Management: The Power of Expectancy

On a beautiful summer day years ago, I went water... Read More

Using Exercise to Relieve Stress

Most people know of the importance of exercise as a... Read More

How Stressed Out Are You? Take This Quiz And See How You Rate On Your Stress Level!

Stress, America's #1 health problem, is a leading cause of... Read More

Are You Worried? 4 Steps to Peace of Mind

A friend has this quotation on his office wall: "I... Read More