Relationship Advice: The Me Approach or the We Approach

A husband and wife were doing a little redecorating and rearranging one weekend morning. They were having an especially hard time pushing a dresser through a hall way door.

About to give out, he exclaimed,

"As hard as we push I don't think we'll ever get this dresser out of the hallway!"

To which his wife responded, "Out of the hallway!?! I've been trying to push it into the hallway!"

Sound familiar? Feel familiar?

Working together, or team work if you will, is such an important yet elusive part of marriage. What makes team work so elusive is our tendency to take the me approach to marriage.

The Me Approach

Always taking the me approach greatly undermines any connection with your partner. This is especially true if you are one of those folks who will try to do it their way no matter what.

Here's a few warning signals that the me approach has a hold on your relationship.

*The two of you cannot seem to come to an agreement on almost anything.

*You avoid discussing major and sometimes even minor issues.

*You talk to many people until you can find someone that sees it your way and then use that as evidence with you spouse.

*You find yourself doing things just like your family did and you don't know why.

*Each of you believe your way is not only the right way, it's the only way.

The Team Approach

Many people are on a lonely road due to the "my way or the highway" approach. In marriage, instead of my way, you have got to work on creating "our way."

Here's a few tips for creating the our way - team approach:

*Remember that two heads are almost always better than one. Marriage couselor Dr. Gary Chapman says "two people that are committed to solving a problem will always find a solution."

*Remember that your partner has skills and abilities that you do not have. That's just the way this marriage thing seems to be set up. Honor them and use them. By the way, the dictionary defineshonoring as "to hold in high regard, respect, or esteem."

*Always ask the AWIA question -AWIA stands for "Are We In Agreement?"

*One the the factors that makes the team appraoch difficult is you sometimes haveto give up the right to be right. Easy for some, hard for others. Just remember that often in marriage you can be right or you can be happy, but not both.

*Very few of us marry someone with exactly the same style of doing things that we have. A key step in building a team approach is to "try on" the other person's style every now and then. There is usually a lot to learn.

* Successful team mates (marriage partners) have clear goals about their relationship. They have discussed and are in agreement over what each of them would like to not only get out of the relationship, but sometimes more importantly, what they are committed to giving.

I'll close with a story about a couple I'll call Mr. Neat and Ms. Clean.

Mr. Neat could bath in a shower full of soap scum and not mind at all as long as the towels and soap were neat and in their place.

Ms. Clean can have piles and piles of stuff scattered everywhere, as long as the piles are clean.

The point is that this couple can have either a very neat and clean home or a real mess on their hands, depending on their ability to work together as a team.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Relationship Advice: 3 Kinds of Love

There are three kinds of love:love as a feeling, love... Read More

Relationship Quiz - Copasetic, Caution, or Conundrum?

This quiz is based on key areas of communication and... Read More

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."That's how the sticker in... Read More

To Hold or to Set One Free!

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying great health.... Read More

Its Your Fault I Had An Affair!

When you read it like that, out of context, you'd... Read More

Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is... Read More

A Womans World

Women are simply wonderful don't you think? This question is... Read More

Coping With A New Culture: Problems And Solutions

Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest... Read More

Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You... Read More

Hey There, Whats Your Money Personality?

Guys who come up to women in bars and ask:... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

The Evolution of Dating at 40 and 50

I am sick of the dating scene at 40. The... Read More

Intent

Over the past few months, things in my life have... Read More

Choosing an Online Dating Service

The problem with choosing a dating service is choice --... Read More

Find Love The Zen Way

"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More

How to Create a Solid Foundation for Loving Relationships

What does real love look like? The way we act... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

Relationship Advice: Top 2 Secret Ways To Become Irresistibly Magnetic To Your Wife

According to new studies 5 out of 10 marriages will... Read More

Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship

Millions of singles across the world are looking to create... Read More

What Is A Boundary In A Relationship?

You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary,... Read More

Name That Tune

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26,... Read More

Coping with Your Abuser

How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers... Read More

Women Are Not Aliens

One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More

Relationship Your Way To A Successful and Fulfilling Life

What is a relationship? What does a relationship mean? There... Read More

Amaze Your Lover - 16 Romantic Ideas To Keep Them Happy

Some people have a natural ability to romance the oppposite... Read More

Anniversary Blues

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their... Read More

Discerning The Loving Heart

How often have you had the experience of connecting with... Read More

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!When Lena, 52, began dating, her son,... Read More

What Does It Really Mean When You Pass or Fail A Relationship Quiz?

Q. It seems that no matter what magazine I am... Read More

Holiday Fun for Singles

Are you dreading the holidays because you are single? For... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

A Gift From the Heart of a Friend

She stares at me and then closes her eyes. A... Read More