Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair

The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free From The Affair" is called: "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her." This is the revenge affair.

It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one's spouse.

Key Points:

1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. "I'll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt." Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: "I'm not getting enough here, so I'll show you!" Or, "There, I got your attention!"

2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one's self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.

3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more ? from the spouse ? but it's not happening.

4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can "get it out" ? drain off the tension ? and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, "I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect?.."

5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.

6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.

Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-af fair.com

---

Relationship Advice: How to Make a Genuine Apology

A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More

Global Conflict and Inter-Religious Dialogue: The Importance of Understanding Others

As is learned in the study of Comparative Religion, the... Read More

Why Men Cheat

"Big, little or short or tall, Wish I could have... Read More

Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples

WHAT IS COMMITMENT?The question of when a relationship is committed... Read More

Finding Your Feng Shui Power Spots for Love and Romance

The first step in using feng shui to attract a... Read More

Coping with Your Abuser

How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers... Read More

True Love - Part 1

True Love! We all dream of being in love with... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

An Introduction to Relationships

"Love makes the world go around" was true when it... Read More

10 Clues of an Online Affair

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More

Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships

It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of... Read More

Picking Up The Pieces

"My feelings have changed," my boyfriend of five years told... Read More

Cutting the Cord

Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have... Read More

The Economics of True Love

In the real world, can there be romance without finance?... Read More

How To Re-ignite the Fire in Your Relationship!

Couples that are together for a while sometimes suffer from... Read More

You Dont Have to Break Down, When You Break Up!

Very few people would argue with the fact that creating... Read More

The Five Minute Relationship Miracle

"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More

Soul Mate - a Pain in the Neck

"and they lived happily ever after...That is how our favorite... Read More

Simple Love Spells

Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some... Read More

You Have to Probe Deeper: Why First Impressions Are Dangerous

Do you remember when, as a small child at a... Read More

How to Create a Solid Foundation for Loving Relationships

What does real love look like? The way we act... Read More

Choosing a Diamond Engangement Ring That She Can?t Say No To!

So you've decided to propose ? congratulations! This is a... Read More

Authentic Relationships - 5-Question Exercise to Explore How You Show Up In Relationship

The focus of this article is to explore what it... Read More

Quick Tips for Writing Love Letters

* Be in a good mood when writing a love... Read More

Put Some Z.I.P. Into Your Relationships

Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't... Read More

The Use and Abuse of Deception

The word "deceive" is derived from Latin, de- away +... Read More

Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More

How To Develop A Grateful Mind

There is one sure fire medicine that cures all difficulty... Read More

Clues to Help You Bust the Undercover Married Man, Before You Fall in Love

If your Knight in shining armor still hasn't come galloping,... Read More

Are You Fit To Love?

is the most important question you'll ever ask yourself. Let's... Read More

I Love You!

The famous three words we never hear enough of in... Read More