Its Your Fault I Had An Affair!

When you read it like that, out of context, you'd be hard pressed to believe that anyone would have the nerve to come up with it as a serious justification for infidelity. Yet film star Jude Law has, allegedly, used this astonishing piece of sleight of mouth to justify a recent fling with his children's nanny.

The sad truth is that he wouldn't be the first; and he won't be the last. Of course, you could argue that it's the kind of excuse you only use as a last resort, but it's not really that simple.

You might think that when someone is skating on such thin ice they might do a little better than that. Even hanging their head, apologising and saying "I don't know what came over me" has to be slightly better than that.

Sure, they may believe it when they lay the blame for their action at their partner's door; that's not the most important point, in any case. What is important is the fact that they genuinely believe they have a real chance of getting their partner to buy into their perspective. They believe it because it's a tactic they have practised many times before, with a good degree of success.

When you stop and think about it, the argument "it's your fault that I did X (or didn't do Y)" is not only laughable, it's playground stuff. It's not unlike the small child who trips, falls over and then turns to someone standing some distance away and says: "You made me fall over." The same question, "How do you work that one out?" hangs heavy in the air.

The behaviour of one person may trigger an emotional response in another. But particularly in the case of chronological adults, people old enough to take responsibility and major decisions for themselves, they alone are responsible for their own actions.

Feeling aggrieved because they don't consider their partner is sufficiently available to them does not exempt them from responsibility for their philandering. Feeling angry because either their partner has failed to do something for them, or else has committed some misdemeanour, such as crashing the car or being in any way 'provoking', does not justify whatever course of behaviour they choose to adopt.

It's all about accountability. Adults are accountable for their own actions. There are no special dispensations from accountability because someone has upset or riled you. You are entitled to your feelings. But you're not entitled to pursue a destructive course of action so as to avoid addressing difficult feelings.

Except that some people are remarkably good at getting their partner and/or family to believe that there are dispensations; that they are a special case. These people are singularly adept at dumping blame at their partner's door. Generally, the partner will pick it up, more or less meekly, and sweep it under the carpet. They'll even make a point of acknowledging how the bad behaviour was triggered by their shortcoming.

Often, even after they have got out, they'll still believe that they were somehow to blame. It's one of the reasons they keep going back. They're seduced by the abject, loving apologies they hear and the misguided belief that if they only work a little harder at the relationship, they'll be able to stop it happening again. And then they'll live happily ever after.

After all, it will be their fault if they can't live happily ever after with the erstwhile philanderer, drunk, bully or emotional vampire, or whatever, who's never to blame for their actions. By continuing in the relationship the partner who assumes the full burden of responsibility tacitly colludes with the accuser.

It remains to be seen whether Sienna Miller will patch up her relationship with Jude Law. Many women in a similar situation do; and are surprised when it happens again.

Things only change for the better if something inside the relationship shifts. That shift occurs when both partners accept accountability for their own feelings and favour communication rather than blame as a way of resolving difficulties.

C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women build strong boundaries so they can attract the relationships they desire.

Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

---

A Man Drought In Australasia - Bugger! Age is Against Me

Men wanted desperately, it's official. The increasing surplus of high... Read More

I Have A Secret to Share

Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More

Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner

IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More

Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships

It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the... Read More

How To Quickly Turn Platonic Friends into Lovers Using The New 5-Step Jealousy Technique

I'm going to get straight to the point. If you... Read More

How to Start a Conversation With a Woman

Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction... Read More

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

We are meant to live a life of love. However,... Read More

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I... Read More

Relationship Tips 101

In this article I'd like to share what the research... Read More

Relationship Advice: Top 2 Secret Ways To Become Irresistibly Magnetic To Your Wife

According to new studies 5 out of 10 marriages will... Read More

Dating Women From Russia: Important Tips The Marriage Agencies Never Tell You

I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More

The 4 Stages of a Relationship

1. The Perfect Phase is the first three months. If... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More

Spice Up Your Relationship Tonight

Every relationship needs relief from the same old bedroom routine... Read More

Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?

My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers... Read More

Reaching the Ultimate Level in Human Relationships

I want to tell you a little story. Not about... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More

Attraction: Is It Worth It?

The Common Scenario:Your partner is hardly ever home to give... Read More

Reading Body Language in Depth

Body Language can tell you a lot about what is... Read More

Relationship Advice: 4 Ways to Handle an Unsolvable Relationship Problem

1) Leave the relationshipThis is the most common alternative chosen,... Read More

Getting More From Dating, Romantic Relationships, and Marriage

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More

Like Father

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5,... Read More

How to Kiss and Make Up

Was it a hectic day for you, or did you... Read More

A Diamond Anniversary Ring ? The Perfect Way To Seal Your Love

Some time ago you both made a promise. A promise... Read More

Three Qualities of a Good Relationship

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn't... Read More

Stand By Your Man: No Matter What?

We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after... Read More

Lifelong Partners, Lifelong Growth

Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one... Read More

How To Re-ignite the Fire in Your Relationship!

Couples that are together for a while sometimes suffer from... Read More

What Planet Is Your Relationship On?

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Loving Without Losing Yourself!

You are in love and it feels wonderful. This love... Read More

A Guide to Relationship Quizzes

Sometime in the 1950's, women's magazines started publishing relationship quizzes... Read More

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

People who experience bad health often have major league forgiveness... Read More