Relationship Tips 101

In this article I'd like to share what the research shows as being very helpful for keeping relationships strong and connected. Since 1973 Dr. John Gottman has been studying what he calls the "masters and disasters" of relationships. From these studies he has been able to predict with 90% accuracy which relationships will last, and which will fail. Dr. Gottman (1999; 2005) suggests the following tips to keep your relationship strong:

? Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems (and keep in mind, half of all relationships that end do so in the first seven years).

? Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

? Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a partner sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.

? Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," this is a guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is so crucial because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.

? Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other. The most successful couples are those who refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

? Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.?"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

? Focus on the bright side. In a happy relationship, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship ("We laugh a lot") as opposed to negative ones ("We never have fun"). A good relationship must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your "emotional bank account".

If you are in a relationship where there is a climate of negativity and/or you are not feeling as close to your partner as you'd like, don't avoid the signs. Seek help early if you need to, and start to build up the positivity that may currently be missing. The key seems to be having a healthy "emotional bank account", and following these seven tips can give you a head start.

If you would like to learn more about Dr. Gottman's research, please visit his website at: http://www.gottman.com

References:

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Three Rivers Press.

http://www.gottman.com (2005)

Dr. Tanja Haley is a psychologist in private practice in Calgary, Alberta. She specializes in working with couples, and with adults dealing with stress, depression, and trauma issues. Along with a full-time private practice, Tanja also teaches for the Campus Alberta program in counselling and is an Oral Examiner for the College of Alberta Psychologists. You can contact Tanja at dr.tanja@shaw.ca, or visit her website: http://www.drtanja.com

---

Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On

So often in the bloom of a new romance we... Read More

Preteen Relationships

Even preteens have relationships that are important to them. In... Read More

How Valentine?s Day Gifts Can Expose a Cheating Husband

If you have the nagging feeling that your husband may... Read More

What Till Death Do Us Part REALLY Means - Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Let me address this issue of eternity, this promise many... Read More

Relationship Problems Begin With Poor Communication

Many relationship problems often begin with poor communication. Many couples... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 4

Finally, after all of the hard work you have done... Read More

Relationships That Really Last: Is This the Secret?

In my e-book, How to Build Relationships That Stick, I... Read More

Aromatherapy : A Scent Away for Great Relationships

Is it possible that a scent can make you more... Read More

Romantic Tips ? Gift Giving

I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More

Proper Flower Etiquette

Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there... Read More

10 Clues of an Online Affair

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More

Conflict In Faith

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 19,... Read More

Improve Relationships With Style

Have you ever felt that relationships are messy? These messes,... Read More

Getting an Exciting Life After a Break Up

Breaking up.The End. The journey is over. You feel rejected.... Read More

Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs

Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children.... Read More

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married... Read More

Romantic Gifts ? 10 Sizzling Ways to Give Them

When it comes to giving a romantic gift, it's not... Read More

Great Relationships: 7 Secrets You Must Know to Make It

1. CommitmentTrue commitment means much more than simply committing to... Read More

Relationship Advice: Starter Marriages

A man walking through the woods near a river hears... Read More

Don?t Snuff Out Expressions of Liking

It is hard to express all the emotions to somebody... Read More

Emotional Investments

It is a given truth that there are people out... Read More

Jinxed Relationships -- Are Yours?

Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? Have your relationships... Read More

How to Ease the Pain of a Breakup

Whether you do the dumping or you are the one... Read More

Improve Your Relationships Through Vastu

Do you want be in a relationship that brings you... Read More

Why Do Men and Women Misunderstand Each Other So Much

Joke from a Woman to another Woman "Some husbands are... Read More

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen After Wife Gets MBA

"Hesh, where is your business plan?" It was a question... Read More

Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts...And Worse: The Destructive Power of Simple Speech

Out of the blue, slap bang in the middle of... Read More

Secrets Your Husband/Significant Other Dont Want You to Know

1. He Only Pretends Not to Listen.He heard what you... Read More

Relationship Advice: Closeness and Connection

In my work with couples, certain themes have emerged that... Read More

How To Save Your Marriage

Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a... Read More

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of... Read More

Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 Big Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More