Relationship Conflict - Blow Up or Blow Through

Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say that they have never had a argument with their spouse. This is when I find myself thinking this person is either lying or certainly can't relate to me.

Conflicts come to all relationships. It's how we handle the conflict that make the difference between a great relationship and a break up looking for a place to happen.

3 Approaches to Avoid

Blow Up - Blowing up is one of the most common ways to handle conflict, especially for men. Somehow we get the notion that getting mad at something can solve any problem. Maybe blowing up was modeled for us at home, or perhaps anger is the emotion with which we are most familiar.

There's just a couple of problems with this approach. At best blowing up will distance people, and at worst, scares them, even scares them away.

And it doesn't solve the problem either.

Blow In - Blowing in is taking all those yucky feelings caused by conflict and swallowing them, stuffing them inside. Here's the kind of conversation that often occurs:

Partner 1: "How did you like the movie?"

Partner 2: "Fine."

Partner 1: "How did you like the music?"

Partner 2: "Fine."

Partner 1: "Would you like to see it again?"

Partner 2: "Fine?"

Uh oh.

One problem with blowing in is that if you do it as a lifestyle and for a lifetime, it can literally make you sick, even kill you. The body can only take so much poison before it causes damage.

The other problem with blowing in is that anger and resentment will grow and build up. Sometimes for just a few minutes or days, sometimes for years, but an explosion is coming. So blowing in eventually leads to, you guessed it, blowing up.

Blowing Off: This one appears so innocent, with statements from "Hey, it's no big deal" all the way to "Oh just get over it and get a life!"

And yet it's not so innocent.

Blowing off sends at least three lousy messages:

=>you are not understood, =>you don't count, =>your feelings are not important or cared about.

With just one of the above, you've got trouble.

With all three, you've got a breakup looking for a place to happen.

A Better Way to Handle It

Blowing Through - Here's a few quick and easy steps:

1) See the conflict as the enemy, not each other. While it is easier said than done, it makes a huge difference. Seeing the conflict as an enemy from outside the relationship allows you to do two important things:

=>avoid fighting to be right, =>team up and attack the problem together.

2) Identify the conflict. Name it so you can tame it.

3) Nuke it. Throw everything you have at it. All your creativity, silly and crazy ideas, all the skills, solutions and tools you each have, go into knocking this thing out in a way that works for both of you.

And that's not all.

To truly blow through a conflict, you've got one more thing to do...........

4) Set it up so that it's not likely to happen again. When conflicts like this arise again, and they will, you now have a game plan, an "our way" of handling it that allows you to blow right through it.

Jeff Herring is a relationship coach, speaker and syndicated relationship columnist. For more "relationship first aid" visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

---

When A Two-Salary Income Fails

While this may not apply to everyone, you may find... Read More

Relationhip Advice: 10 Magic Words

Just about every night at our house, we read a... Read More

Second Fiddle

I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More

How To Seduce A Woman The Right Way

Gentlemen, if you really want to seduce a woman the... Read More

I Have A Secret to Share

Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More

Like Father

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5,... Read More

Being Romantic for a Change

Honestly, I do not know anyone who is romantic nowadays... Read More

Won Ton or Kreplach? How We Raise Children in Our Chinese-Jewish Family

I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More

The Grammar of Good Communication

No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor... Read More

Getting More From Dating, Romantic Relationships, and Marriage

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More

Playful, Innocent Phone Sex

So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk... Read More

Loves All About Chemistry

People who have been swept off their feet know the... Read More

Why He Left Me After...?

The next morning he /or she is gone. And because... Read More

Relationship Conflict - Blow Up or Blow Through

Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say... Read More

What Makes The Ideal Man?

Are you looking for the Ideal Man? While my book... Read More

He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship

It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our... Read More

Swinging! Will My Spouse Be Interested?

How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes--Celebrity Romance

Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More

Long Distance Relationships ? Not Always a Bad Thing

You hate it, but it's happened ? the love of... Read More

Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home ? Now What?

Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home ? Now What?Laura anxiously... Read More

Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7,... Read More

Bring Back the Cilice Belt

Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More

And They Didnt Even Know I was Looking: Lessons on Love from My Parents

I came from good people. I didn't always know that.You... Read More

The Man - Truth of The Visual Being

The article What Turns Them On explained about how men... Read More

Making New Friends

How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More

Society?s Misconception of Soul Mates - Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Society's current conception of the term "soul mate" is completely... Read More

How To Slay The Toxic Dragon In Your Life

How To "Slay The Dragon" In Your Life In Five... Read More

Self Truth and Your Relationships

Questions and AnswersHow can I learn how to be true... Read More

Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends

Introduction"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike... Read More

No More Lonely Weekends!

How do you react when you are faced with spending... Read More

Lovers Quarrel

One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and... Read More