Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts

"The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."

Q: My wife and I are both on our second marriage. We feel like we are both losing some of our excitement and love for each other, just like is our first marriages. We feel like we are stuck in a rut. What can we do to get out of this rut?

A: You've not only asked an excellent question, it's even been asked in song.

In "Make Love Stay" Dan Fogelberg asks,

"Now that we've loved,
Now that the lonely nights are over
How do we make love stay?"

New relationships

New relationships are exciting. The thrill of falling in love and discovering new things about each other is simply a lot of fun.

After the honeymoon stage of a relationship has passed, we move into the "making it work" stage of the relationship. Sometimes the making it work stage is just not as much fun as the honeymoon stage. This is where the work part of making it work comes in.

One of the dangers of the making it work stage is to fall into what I call relationship ruts. A relationship rut is when as a couple you begin to feel as if you are stuck, sort of going through the motions and not getting anywhere.

This is the point that some relationships die, because the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.

Let's take a look at some of the signs of relationship ruts and what not to do, and then what to do to get out of the rut and keep the spark alive.

Signs of Relationship Ruts

One sure sign and conclusive evidence of a relationship rut is if the following conversation sounds familiar -

"What do want to do tonight?" "I don't know, whatever you want to do." "I don't know what I want to do, whatever you want to do is fine." "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" ETC - ETC - ETC - yuck!

Other signs of relationship ruts include;

- Doing the same thing over over again and it not being enjoyable

- Having the same conversation over and over again

- Having that strange sense of "relationship deja vu" - we've been here before.

- Arguing and bickering just for something to do

What Not To Do

We all try to solve the problem of relationship ruts in our own way. Here are some solutions that I've seen couples try that are worth avoiding;

- Keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results

- Blame your partner or accuse them of being boring

- Convince yourself that life would be much more fun with someone else

- Make major changes just for the sake of change. For example, move (just a geographical cure) or have a child.

What To Do

Having said all that, here are a few suggestions for breaking out of relationship ruts;

- Begin by remembering what is was that first attracted you to this person in the first place. You may have forgotten some things and may be surprised by what you remember

- Do something "safely out of character." In the song "Dirt Gets Under The Fingernails" by Harry Chapin, the prim, proper and neat wife goes out and buys art supplies and makes a mess while the always dirty mechanic husband gets a shave, hair cut, manicure and new clothes. Surprise each other.

- Do some of the things you may have enjoyed as a child: buy a coloring book, some play dough, put on some roller skates, etc.

- Use your creativity! One way to do this would be to brainstorm all the crazy, absurd, and ridiculous ideas you can think of, that you would never do. Then go back over your list and see if there are the seeds for some useful creative solutions.

- Make a list of all the things you like to do for fun. Then pick one you that you may not have in a very long time.

As the songwriter says, making love stay can be one of the more difficult tasks in relationships. Avoiding and/or getting out of relationships ruts can go a long way to keeping the spark alive.

For f'ree weekly tips and tools for growing your relationship and keeping it strong, subscribe to Jeff Herring's online newsletter "Great Relationships Tips of the Week" at http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com AND receive a special report on "10 Things to Consider Before Your Next Relationship Argument.

---

Relationship Advice: Wash that (Bad) Man Out of Your Hair

Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims... Read More

The Secret Power of Romance and How It Can Work for You

There are some men who will never understand the importance... Read More

How to Survive an Affair - Take Care!

Surviving an affair can be a very traumatic experience. Partners... Read More

Whats in a Kiss

Just think of being in front of a warm cracking... Read More

How To Develop A Grateful Mind

There is one sure fire medicine that cures all difficulty... Read More

Thinking Lingerie on Super Sunday?

February will bring with it one of the most important... Read More

Whos Watching You? Men Arent The Only Stalkers

For decades, the label "stalker' has been tattooed as a... Read More

Why Do Men and Women Misunderstand Each Other So Much

Joke from a Woman to another Woman "Some husbands are... Read More

The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U.

"Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in... Read More

Unfaithfulness

AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its... Read More

You Have to Probe Deeper: Why First Impressions Are Dangerous

Do you remember when, as a small child at a... Read More

Conflict In Faith

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 19,... Read More

Penpal and Christian Penpal

Having a penpal can be fun; bringing diversity into your... Read More

10 Free Romantic Gifts

Being in love does not mean that you should turn... Read More

Players: How to Deal with Them

Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 2

Troll Detection Made EasyDue to their overwhelming lack of social... Read More

How to Build Solid Relationships Using the Power of Words

We may not be aware of it; but the words... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

Quick Tips for Writing Love Letters

* Be in a good mood when writing a love... Read More

The Top 10 Ways to Keep Passion in Your Relationship

All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases. There... Read More

Are Men and Women Really from Different Planets?

Are men really from Mars, and women from Venus?'what women... Read More

To Love Or To Be In Love

What is the basic difference between loving someone and being... Read More

A Guide to Relationship Quizzes

Sometime in the 1950's, women's magazines started publishing relationship quizzes... Read More

Reading Each Others Mind

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More

Relationship Your Way To A Successful and Fulfilling Life

What is a relationship? What does a relationship mean? There... Read More

I Have A Secret to Share

Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More

American Women Really Don?t Like You

Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More

The Spiritual Connection of True Romance

In the springtime, with the flowers budding and the birds... Read More

Great Relationships: How to Solve Problems and Have Fun Too

I recently came across this quote:"There is a time in... Read More

The Type of Woman Men Fall in Love With

I'd like to shed some light on something that women... Read More

The Path of Relationship

Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More

Single in a Couples World

Advertising for St. Valentine's Day seemed more relentless than ever... Read More

Relationship Advice: 4 Steps to a Genuine Apology

A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More