Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy

Introduction

You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover "the look-over." You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or you might experience it if you have an "open relationship" and you know your partner is out "tricking." Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if it's not managed appropriately. If you're the one who's afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If you're the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to "walk on eggshells" and constantly reassure your guy of your commitment to him can be maddening.

Jealousy is not bad in and of itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; it's what we do with them that can mean the difference between relationship calm and relationship storm. Jealousy can actually benefit your partnership in its mildest form. But if it is a recurrent, pervasive theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and lead to a lot of hurt and grief. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner in overcoming and defeating it.

Jealousy & Its Causes

Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that arises from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fear-fear of loss of abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced with someone else, fear of not being important enough anymore and being excluded, etc. This significantly impacts one's self-esteem and leads to insecurity and using self-defeating behaviors to ward off these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really accomplishes that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Self-defeating behaviors might include spying on your partner, excessive clinginess toward him, constant questioning of his whereabouts and activities, among others.

What are the causes of jealousy? There are "inner" and "outer" causes. Inner causes might include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a past history of experiences that created distrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if he loses his partner. External causes might include how one's partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with someone else) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. "Factors that seem to affect the susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, maturity, dependence, and level of self-esteem of the individuals, their expectations for emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).

Low levels of jealousy can actually be positive for your relationship. It can be a signal that something's "off" between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication to not take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. "Jealousy becomes problematic when it is expressed indirectly, is experienced compulsively, becomes irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control" (Neidig & Friedman, 1984). The major consequence is that it also leads to a severe break-down in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, core ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very outcome that is feared and dreaded the most---the ending of the relationship.

Tips For Conquering the Jealousy Beast

If you are the one suffering from jealousy? *Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy-it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.

*Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.

*Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
·Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
·Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about?
·What hurts? What's missing in my life?
·What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
·Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?

*Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront them head-on in a healthy way.

*Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts.

*Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner's behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.

*Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times.

*Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety.

*Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.

*Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess.

If you are the partner of a jealous lover? *Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but don't enable his behavior.

*Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness.

*Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behavior to determine if you're reinforcing your lover's jealousies in any way.

And finally, together as a couple? *Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. What's missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention?

*Don't make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other.

*This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or "relationship rules" need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.

*Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy.

Conclusion
Jealousy doesn't have to rule your life. Make a commitment to aggressively minimize its influence so that there will be more energy available for your own self-care and for enriching your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that bugger before it has the chance to contaminate what the two of you have worked so hard to build. Convert that jealousy into passion for yourself and for your partner and before long you'll no longer heed Jealousy's evil whispers. You can do it!

*Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spouse Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company.

©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples,as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the new self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005.

---

The Counsel of Caution

Caution is a word with a fine old-fashioned ring. The... Read More

Loves All About Chemistry

People who have been swept off their feet know the... Read More

Great Relationships: How to Solve Problems and Have Fun Too

I recently came across this quote:"There is a time in... Read More

Buying Underwear For The Woman In Your Life - The Golden Rules

There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the... Read More

Relationship Advice - 5 Sure Fire Ways to Mess Things Up

1) Stay committed to your "right to be right."Argue for... Read More

8 Reasons Why Your Man Isn?t More Romantic On Valentine?s Day

What is supposed to be the most romantic day of... Read More

9 Reasons You May Not be Getting the Love you Deserve

Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More

All About Soul Mates

1. How do I know when I've met my Soul... Read More

Extreme Breakup Recovery: Maximum Healing / Minimum Time

If you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of a... Read More

When Are You Ready to Move onto a New Relationship?

Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult... Read More

Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts...And Worse: The Destructive Power of Simple Speech

Out of the blue, slap bang in the middle of... Read More

Is It Love or Money?

What do women or men want out of a relationship?... Read More

What is Abuse?

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more... Read More

Confession of the Egoists!

Hamlet has given this generation an awfully amazing and defensive... Read More

Three Qualities of a Good Relationship

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn't... Read More

Relationship Advice: 6 Secrets for Great Relationships

The Law of ContentYou can get into trouble in a... Read More

Rediscovering Love and Intimacy

Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of... Read More

My Fairy Tale Is Gone

Dear Candace,My girlfriend and I recently split up. I called... Read More

How to Survive Long Distance Relationships

One of the great obstacles to maintaining a healthy relationship... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

Tips For Proper Kissing Etiquette!

Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More

How Do We Know When A Relationship Has A Future?

In many instances, we all are "gun shy" after a... Read More

Relationship Advice: Voices of Experience on the Radio

A few years back I was on a radio talk... Read More

Stand By Your Man: No Matter What?

We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after... Read More

Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers!

Remember that big hug she gave you when you got... Read More

Is Your Husband or Wife Cheating? Five Great Reasons to Hire a Private Investigator!

Discovering an affair in your relationship is indispensable, but that's... Read More

The Womans Guide to Younger Men

I often awake to find Beverly, my older wife, wrapped... Read More

Are You Chasing Dollars or Your Kids?

Striking a perfect balance between work and home today can... Read More

To Cheat or Not To Cheat

You know I am getting fed up with people who... Read More

Why Some Men Dont Want To Commit

If you are dating, engaged, or still trying to find... Read More

10 Clues of an Online Affair

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More