8 Keys to Lasting Love

My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, was the inspiration for this CD, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. When Merritt was five years old I read a fairy tale to her and was very disturbed by the ending, "And they lived happily ever after." As she could not read yet, I took the liberty of changing the ending to "They began the work of creating a very good marriage." I didn't want Merritt to think that marriage was so simple or that it just happened that you lived happily every after, as so many of my clients believed. As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have seen the pain people experience on their honeymoon when they wake up and realize they have married a mere mortal.

In creating this CD, it is my hope that my granddaughter Merritt, as she enters adulthood, as well as many other people, will avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this "happily ever after" myth.

* Stop blaming and start living. It is your responsibility, and not your partner's, to feel better and to heal. Your partner will be responsible to you, but not for you. So it's useful to ask yourself, "Why did I draw this person into my life and what is it that I need to learn from this instead of blaming?" A good marriage grows you up.

* Avoid the fixer-upper syndrome. We think we can fix up our partner and shape them up to perfection, our perfection. So many people marry for potential. Never marry just for potential.

* Made a promise to keep integrity. Do not hold onto victim hood like a prize. This doesn't allow one to grow. Work on behaviors that make your partner want to change by being kind and loving. Vent what you are feeling without being out of control.

* Eliminate attack thoughts. These thoughts are incredibly destructive over time. If you attack other people and attack yourself and your thoughts, it really interferes with your happiness and with your peace of mind. Learn to find joy even in difficult times. As Mother Theresa once said, "Our best protection is a joyful heart."

* Do not hold onto anger. Holding onto anger is like drinking Drano. Turn attack thoughts into something constructive. Think thoughts that are appreciative of your partner and express them often. Build up an emotional bank account so you have positive emotion currency when angry times come.

* Wake up without makeup. On soap operas I see women wake up first thing in the morning with all their makeup and false eyelashes, and that's not real. What we need to do in a marriage is to learn to be more and more real, and more and more safe to be who we truly are.

* Wake up and make up. It is very important for couples to learn to repair after a fight. Keep trying to find solutions. Do not get stuck rehashing the past. Live in the present, and find ways to keep your marriage buoyant and alive.

* If you want to change your relationship, change yourself. Reinvent yourself, because you're not going to be able to change your partner. Learn to love in a mature way without trying to control or manipulate. C.S. Lewis once said, "To love without control or manipulation is to be surprised by joy." You will be truly surprised by joy when you can live in the moment with that other person.

Copyright 2005 Dr. Linda Miles Ph.D.

Dr. Linda Miles has a doctorate in Counseling Psychology and over thirty years of experience in the field of mental health. She has appeared as an expert on numerous radio and television shows, and along with her husband has written an award-winning book about relationships.

For her other books and recordings, please visit http://www.drlindamiles.com

---

Self Truth and Your Relationships

Questions and AnswersHow can I learn how to be true... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Tip from Monica and Chandler of Friends

If you are looking for it, you can find relationship... Read More

Lab Created Diamonds Are Now Exceedingly Good

When we think of precious gems, we usually spare little... Read More

Travel to Find a Russian Bride

Do you agree that the best lessons are lessons given... Read More

Home For The Holidays: Start That Conversation

Annie waited too long to have that talk with her... Read More

Holy Mantrimony

In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More

How To Find The Perfect Roommates

If you have looked high and low, left and right... Read More

How a Written Agreement Can Enhance Your Relationship

Marital contracts have an honorable history going back thousands of... Read More

Getting More From Dating, Romantic Relationships, and Marriage

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More

Link Romantic Feelings To The Sight Of Your Face

Anchoring is an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) term used to describe... Read More

Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous... Read More

What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like?

When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More

The Path of Relationship

Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More

Won Ton or Kreplach? How We Raise Children in Our Chinese-Jewish Family

I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More

Passion or Purpose?

I hate moderation. I hate doing things moderately. I hate... Read More

What Does Relational Success Look Like? (Characteristics Of A Growing Relationship)

RELATIONAL SUCCESS...Loving in the good times -- and the not-so-good... Read More

Great Relationships: What to Do When You Have Drifted Apart

Picture, if you will, the following scene:A man and woman,... Read More

Buying Underwear For The Woman In Your Life - The Golden Rules

There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the... Read More

Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process

If you grew up in the 80s like I did,... Read More

True Friendships - How to Get True Friends and Friendships

True Friendship - RecognitionHow can we find true friendships in... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Survive a Break Up

Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of... Read More

Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair

The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free... Read More

Why Doesnt She Leave Him?

It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More

Your Next Argument: 10 Thngs to Consider Before You Get There

1. It's addictive. Fighting, and the anger that comes with... Read More

How Can Empathy Shape Your Values?

One of the most underrated concepts that most people overlook... Read More

One of The Main Reasons Why Relationships Fall Apart

I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5... Read More

Clues to Help You Bust the Undercover Married Man, Before You Fall in Love

If your Knight in shining armor still hasn't come galloping,... Read More

Can You Become A Better Friend After Taking A Friendship Quiz?

Q. Does a friendship quiz really work?A. That depends upon... Read More

Common Relationship Problems

The essential problem in any bad relationship is a breakdown... Read More

You are Killing US with YOUR Jealousy

Hey all, I feel that need to reach out and... Read More

Slaying The Green Eyed Monster

He hasn't called in hours. You call and get the... Read More

Does Age Matter?

In the Asian online dating world it is not uncommon... Read More

The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U.

"Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in... Read More