Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.

The secret is in how you approach and handle the conflict. It can make the difference between a really great relationship and a breakup looking for a place to happen.

With that notion in mind, let's take a look at five styles of handling conflict, along with alternative solutions for each.

Ready-Fire-Aim: These folks are the shooters of conflict.

They live by the motto "cross me and you will pay." Instead of ready-aim-fire, they shoot first and ask questions later. This style causes lots of damage and usually serves to isolate the shooter.

An alternative solution, in the words of St. Francis and Stephen Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you take the time to understand someone and that person's point of view, it's a whole lot easier to keep your shooter in its holster.

Crock potters: They let a conflict simmer for a while. Sometimes it can be as harmless as needing to mull things over before handling conflict. At their worst, crock potters simmer and seethe, building resentments, blowing up or both.

It can be healthy and productive to mull it over before you respond in a conflict. But instead of allowing it to boil over, agree on a time you will sit down together and calmly address the conflict.

Me right/you wrong: This style of conflict really is as primitive as Tarzan. People who hold tightly to the right to be right can go to just about any length to prove they are right, even to the point of ending the relationship.

The alternative solution is to punt. Give up the right to be right. Check out what you might be able to learn from the other point of view, which might even be as valid as your own. Shocking, I realize, but highly possible. The simple truth is that in marriage there are times when you can be right or be happy, but not both.

Tomb-ers: They elevate the infamous silent treatment to an art form. Conflict arises and they shut down. When you ask what's wrong, their reply is either "nothing" or "everything's fine," but you know better.

Usually tomb-ers have a strong fear of conflict, believing that any conflict will end the relationship. Quite the opposite is true -- not dealing with the conflict can kill the relationship from within. Here are some words to begin with: "Can I tell you what I'm uncomfortable with here?"

Historians: They remember every fault, mistake and blunder ever made by their partner, including what was said, what you wore and where you were standing at the time. And they're more than willing to remind you, in detail.

An alternative solution is to get a dry-erase board and write the current conflict on the blank board. Deal with it. Resolve it. Erase it. Over, done with, gone.

I'm guessing that you have identified your partner's style of conflict. Now, read back through the categories and ask yourself: Which one am I?

Jeff Herrring, MS, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, speaker and nationally syndicated relationship columnist, and founder and CEO of http://www.Couples-Connection.com. You can email Jeff at jeff@couples-connection.com and sign up for his f'ree internet newsletter "Couples-Connection on his website at http://www.Couples-Connection.com

---

Friendship - A Relation of Choice!

IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son;... Read More

How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?

What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More

Sound Seduction Advice for Dating and Romance Success

BackgroundSeduction is a subtle tool used with the ultimate goal... Read More

The Five Minute Relationship Miracle

"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More

Happily Single v Happily Married

Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives... Read More

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Daisies A Story About Life

"I love daisies too," she told him several nights after... Read More

Relationship Spring Cleaning by Susan Sheppard

History doesn't belong in a relationship that is presentMy friend,... Read More

7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships

A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners... Read More

If He Insists That You Work...

Once, when asked about her life, former First Lady Barbara... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Communicate

In my workshops with couples, I start with this question:"How... Read More

How to Survive Long Distance Relationships

One of the great obstacles to maintaining a healthy relationship... Read More

ARC of Understanding

In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More

Walls Of Communication!

Matters of the heart are a true mystery to all... Read More

Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is... Read More

Is Your Mate Cheating?

You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite... Read More

Relationship Conflict - Blow Up or Blow Through

Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

The Sponge Pattern

Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been... Read More

10 Things Never to Say to A Guy

1. WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN? You'll see him... Read More

Whos Watching You? Men Arent The Only Stalkers

For decades, the label "stalker' has been tattooed as a... Read More

Pay Attention! Mastering Communication Skills with Women

One of the biggest complaints women have about men is... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 1

When you were little, you looked up to your parents.... Read More

Your Relationships Begin With You

As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself... Read More

Cutting the Cord

Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have... Read More

Swinging! Will My Spouse Be Interested?

How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More

Zodiac Love Match ? Can the Stars be Right?

As a somewhat older gentleman (but still fairly good looking... Read More

Calling All Single Parents! Why not Try Online Dating?

Forming a relationship when you're a single mother or father... Read More

A Kernel of Truth about Relationships: 4 Steps to Improvement

It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More

Relationship Advice: How to Make a Genuine Apology

A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More

5 Ways to Tell Your Man You Love Him

Telling your man that you love him is part of... Read More