Are You Paralysed By The Fear Of Future Regrets?

Edith Piaf remains an icon and her best loved song, "Non, je ne regrette rien", remains an anthem in part because of the issues that so many of us have with regret. If the emotionally vulnerable Parisian sparrow could live free from regrets then maybe the rest us can also.

Women who are just starting out on their journey of recovery from abuse are often stymied by the spectre of future regret.

Curiously, that regret isn't generally about wasting their time, love and energy on an emotional Neanderthal. Instead it's about their own perceived failures in the relationship and the fear that they might yet realise that they have given up on a good thing.

(Quite why a 'good thing' would masquerade so resolutely as a bad thing defies explanation. But any woman who is prepared to believe in the fundamental goodness of her partner, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, should never accuse herself of a lack of optimism. Sure, it may be misplaced, but it proves that she has a capacity for unlimited optimism that she can begin to turn to her own advantage.)

Future regret is a worst-case scenario in which a woman views her unhappy relationship through rose coloured blinkers and sees a yet more distorted and selective reworking of reality.

Future regret is actually an expression of present fear: fear that she will never again encounter such a wonderful human being (truly); fear that life has nothing more to offer her, nor she to offer life; fear of the void that awaits her.

Abuse breeds fear, and fear breeds paralysis.

It's powerful stuff. But where does it come from?

Abusive partners endlessly ? and in all seriousness ? tell women just how wonderful they, the abusers, are. They brainwash women into accepting a questionable worldview in which abused women have been blessed with the incredible, unrepeatable good fortune of being tolerated by a prince-among-men?

Now, suppose these women have already been subjected to a schematic vision of the world in which their alleged unworthiness is tolerated (just), by their (wonderful) parents or family members. Then, much of the groundwork has already been done, even before a prince-among-men (P-A-M) appears, croaking his endearing frog-like croak.

Given their lack of self-assurance, abused women assume that a P-A-M-free future is likely to be worse than reality � deux. They don't think that this is actually an incredibly tall order. Abusive men are, after all, past masters at ensuring that things are as bad as they can get. (Some will continue to do so, even after the woman ends the relationship.)

Nevertheless, it is possible for abused women to create the future they want for themselves. All the more so once they realise that present fears cannot accurately predict future reality.

In "The Sedona Method", Hale Dwoskin makes the telling observation: "Feelings only lie. They tell us we are going to get from letting go of them what we already have from holding on to them." So it is with our fears and regrets. What we fear we will regret by letting go of a situation, is simply what we have by holding on to it.

As a general principle, people who instil in you a fear of what you might live to regret are precisely those who feel they stand to lose by what you might decide. Their (unspoken) fear is that you might spread your wings and fly, leaving them behind, earth-bound. In other words, in an undeniably neat manoeuvre, they have managed to dump their fear onto you, in the guise of your alleged future regret.

Once you can see how regret is designed to hamstring you, you can start to move forward into the unknown and the future free of your old fear.

C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

---

How to Use Humor to Improve Your Relationships

Humor has long been considered one of the most effective... Read More

The First Ninety Days

A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number... Read More

Are Men and Women Really from Different Planets?

Are men really from Mars, and women from Venus?'what women... Read More

Relationhip Advice: How to Have Fun Together

Work. Bills. Kids. Chores.Etc.All these things get in the way... Read More

The Wrong Kind of Love

A lot of people have the wrong kind of love... Read More

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

Get Lucky In Your Love Life

Whether you are single or married, we all need luck... Read More

Love Problems

Often times when a couple gets married, things get pushed... Read More

Your Relationships Begin With You

As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself... Read More

The Freedom to Fall

So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More

Assuming Personal Responsibility in Relationships

Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families says... Read More

For Better Or Worse

For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More

Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy

IntroductionYou might feel it when that hot stud across the... Read More

The Tablet of Venus

In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of... Read More

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!When Lena, 52, began dating, her son,... Read More

Rescue and Rebuild Your Relationship: 7 Tips to Make it Work

Create Time To Share And Time On Your Own.Establish time... Read More

E-Love at Easter - Part Two

The next week was a whirl. The first quarter of... Read More

Ounce of Prevention

"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during... Read More

Romantic Gift Guide

It is a commonly held belief, mainly amongst men, that... Read More

A Womans World

Women are simply wonderful don't you think? This question is... Read More

Relationship Advice: 7 Strategies for a Great Relationship

1. CommitmentTrue commitment means much more than simply committing to... Read More

Diamond Promise Rings ? For When You Mean It

Diamond promise rings are quite common, but many are not... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

When Groucho Marx Got It Right

Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More

Attraction vs. Love

When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More

Great Relationships: 3 Really Dumb Mistakes and 3 Smarter Moves to Make

1) Think short term.Many people enter marriage with the same... Read More

Why We Chose The Person We Love

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to... Read More

How do We Change our Self Esteem Perception?

Many of us have heard about the power of positive... Read More

Bring Back the Cilice Belt

Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More

Are You Living An Illusion Romance Like Lisa Snowdon and George Clooney?

My Dear Lover,Today I am sad, I don't have good... Read More

Who Should Relocate In A Long Distance Relationship?

My Dear Lover,Soon or later, you and your beloved will... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes Part II

How many time have you felt an instant attraction to... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More