Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7, 2004

Life was not this complicated a year ago--said laughing while banging head on keyboard. I can make this short, but there is so much and I want to be fair.

Stage one: friends. A friend decides our relationship needs to be advanced to a sexual/dating level. This was probably his objective when we first started hanging out, however, I could not picture us together. He was not my type, the age difference was huge (15 years), and I just couldn't see an "us."

Stage two: friends plus. Imagine my surprise when I fell head over heels in love. He quickly and effortlessly became my favorite person in the whole world. Once we started sleeping together, well, he's the best I ever had, and he's said the same about me. Regardless, it's been a huge headache.

He's got this nice little routine that works for him, and I never once worried about losing my independence because he was so dead set against losing his. It didn't take long to realize I adore this man, and we fit great together. The beginning of the end was saying this aloud to him.

I know the rules: always hang up first, leave them wanting more, never give details, blah, blah, blah. But I made the decision to love him and that negated the Barbie and Ken mating ritual in my mind. Not in his. The chase was the most exciting part to him.

Stage three: stage fright. He "loves me but is not in love with me." (What does that mean, anyway?) We started the cycle of break up, just friends, get together, have sex, break up, etc. We finally stopped dating, again, two months ago. I've been heartbroken since.

Valerie

Valerie, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's novels, Bertie Wooster says, "It's like Shakespeare. It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything." That is what we think of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything good. What does it mean? It means "I don't love you."

One line of your note jumped out at us. "He's got this nice little routine that works for him." That's the situation in a nutshell. He's got this nice little routine that works for him. Not for both of you, but for him. And he doesn't want to change. You believed his objective from the start was to advance your friendship to a sexual level. Friendship was never his objective.

It might help you to think of this man as a confirmed bachelor who keeps women on a shelf until he needs them. Or think of him as a married man, married to himself. It is futile to pursue a confirmed bachelor or a married man.

What is in your heart? That there is a purpose to dating. There is a goal. You want someone you love, who loves you, in a mutually exclusive relationship leading to marriage. Once you realize you cannot go there with this man, you can move on.

Wayne & Tamara

Science Fiction

I recently had sex with a girl from work. It was only a bit of fun, and it only happened once, but now she says she is pregnant. I made it quite clear I do not want this baby, but she has not even considered what I have to say. She is keeping the baby.

Now, it's like I have been used in some way. My head is in bits. Is there some way of dealing with this so she cannot come to me in the future asking for money?

Earl

Earl, if H.G Wells' time machine actually existed, you could go back in time and wear a condom while you are having your "bit of fun." That is no less a fantasy than believing you are not financially responsible for your child.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

The First Ninety Days

A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

Choosing a Diamond Engangement Ring That She Can?t Say No To!

So you've decided to propose ? congratulations! This is a... Read More

The Real Way for Men to WOW the Woman They Love

Guys, I know the struggle, you want to give her... Read More

Mairi

Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She... Read More

The Battle of the Sexes!

During my personal experiences with some of my relationships, I... Read More

The 7 Stages of a Romantic Relationship

There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting,... Read More

Reaching the Ultimate Level in Human Relationships

I want to tell you a little story. Not about... Read More

How to Get a Woman to Treat You the Way You Deserve

You know the scenario. You start dating a woman. After... Read More

Why Anger is Essential to Healthy Relationships

Many of us have some very definite ideas about anger.... Read More

Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship

Millions of singles across the world are looking to create... Read More

Swinging! Will My Spouse Be Interested?

How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More

How to Ease the Pain of a Breakup

Whether you do the dumping or you are the one... Read More

What Men Hate in Women

Without wasting much time, here are some of the personality... Read More

Soul Mate Myths

But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More

Lobster - The Food Of Romantics

Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More

Spice Up Your Relationship Tonight

Every relationship needs relief from the same old bedroom routine... Read More

20 Tips to Keep Love Alive

Have you ever been at a loss to think of... Read More

Save Your Relationships (5 Easy Steps To A Winning Relationship)

We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More

No More Lonely Weekends!

How do you react when you are faced with spending... Read More

How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More

Did He Think of Me?

As a betrayed partner this was one of the first... Read More

What Does It Really Mean When You Pass or Fail A Relationship Quiz?

Q. It seems that no matter what magazine I am... Read More

American Women Really Don?t Like You

Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More

The Sting

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More

Managing Miscommunication - Asking The Agreement Question?

A man and woman were trying to move a couch... Read More

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

Being Mindful of Your Mates Space

SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More

Relationship Advice: 5 Tips to Make a Strong Marriage Even Better

1. Time together is time during which the complete focus... Read More

Keep the Fires Burning

The toys are put away, homework's done and the kids... Read More

A Diamond Anniversary Ring ? The Perfect Way To Seal Your Love

Some time ago you both made a promise. A promise... Read More

ARC of Understanding

In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More