Why We Chose The Person We Love

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- George Santayana

"Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someone who is kind, loving, reliable and open. Yet my relationships are always with men who are angry, hostile, emotionally unavailable and cannot keep a job."

"I want a woman who is emotionally stable and independent, but I always wind up with women who are overly dramatic, tend to hysteria and depend on me to make their decisions."

These are common problems brought to me by clients. They blame bad luck, coincidence or accident for winding up with the exact opposite of the type of person they say they prefer in a relationship.

One very attractive female marketing manager in her mid thirties agonized - "If I went to a party and there were fifty men in the room - and 49 were college graduates who were business or professional men - and the 50th was a high-school dropout with a felony police record - number 50 and I would somehow find each other."

We make our relationship choices based on life experiences accumulated from childhood. We subconsciously integrate these experiences and react from them to current situations.

Children's psyches are like unwritten slates. The messages we receive from our parents are stored upon them as if etched in stone. We internalize these messages and accept them without question as we mature because in the child's mind, mommy and daddy - who are our ultimate authority figures - said it is so!

When a little girl has a father who is physically present but emotionally absent and does not provide her with the love and nurturing she needs, she will grow up with a big empty space in her heart where that love should have been. The message - although unspoken - tells her that she is not important and not deserving of love.

This little girl will subconsciously seek a man with her father's rejecting characteristics - so she can relive her initial relationship - and this time she will win.

When a little boy grows up with a weak and dependent mother who increasingly leans on him in his father's absence, he is put in an adult situation inappropriate to his years. Although in manhood he states he resents female dependency, he is used to taking the role of rescuer and naturally will gravitate to women with emotional broken wings that need fixing.

In our adult relationships, we seek to create situations in which we are comfortable - regardless of their dysfunctionality. If you grew up in a chaotic home, you will subconsciously tend to chaotic relationships. Our home environment, how we were raised, is what we consider normal.

Our adult relationships follow a pattern. A simple exercise will reveal that pattern to you. Write the names of all of the people with whom you have had a significant relationship. Under each name, list all the negative characteristics you can remember - for instance: bad temper, continually late for dates, poor money manager, etc.

After you have completed your list, review the character traits that are shared by your dating partners. Circle or yellow high-lite these recurring traits and you will see the emergence of a pattern.

While discussing the concept of this article with a friend, she was motivated to make the list and was uncomfortable with the fact that these traits stood out among her three past serious relationships: aggressive personality, alcoholism, and emotional unavailability.

I helped my friend work thru her feelings about this new realization as I did with my clients. Awareness of the pattern is the first step to changing it. Talking about it with a therapist or trusted friend is the next important step because you are then exposing this destructive pattern to the light and can carry this awareness with you when you begin your next relationship.

Be assured - patterns are not etched in stone. They can be changed with awareness and work.

About The Author

Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma) has been a Psychotherapist for over twenty years. She invites you to visit her friendly, interactive and informative 50+ dating community at http://www.spicy-senior-singles.com.

spicysrsingles@aol.com

---

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

Warning Signs He / She May Not Be The One

We've all looked back on past relationships and said, "What... Read More

Managing Miscommunication - Asking The Agreement Question?

A man and woman were trying to move a couch... Read More

Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships

It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the... Read More

What is Romance and How Can You be More Romantic?

Whether you've been in a relationship for a long time,... Read More

I Love You!

The famous three words we never hear enough of in... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

Great Relationships: What to Do When You Have Drifted Apart

Picture, if you will, the following scene:A man and woman,... Read More

Relationship Arguments - 7 Ways to Heal Past Hurts

Q: I've read that you are never supposed to bring... Read More

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue... Read More

Guys Guide To Flowers

We are here to help! With these helpful hints on... Read More

How To (Wo)man Your Boundaries

The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was... Read More

Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied

We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part II)

This is a continuation of part one of this article... Read More

Relationship Advice: Wash that (Bad) Man Out of Your Hair

Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims... Read More

Flirting For A Long-Term Relationship

Have you ever wondered why we flirt? I mean, we've... Read More

Spouse Improvement: Influence Your Partner to Change in Just 7 Steps

Everyone has something they'd like to change in their partner.... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

Shattered Visions

Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a... Read More

Valentines Day Gifts Can Expose a Cheating Husband

If you have the uneasy feeling that your husband is... Read More

Getting Out... Together

So many things in society today try to urge us... Read More

Catch A Cheating Husband the Easy Affordable Way

Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Resolve Conflict

Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In... Read More

How to Get a Woman to Treat You the Way You Deserve

You know the scenario. You start dating a woman. After... Read More

Interview with Tigress Luv: How To Get Over A Breakup

Recently I had the opportunity to interview my personal favorite... Read More

Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy

IntroductionYou might feel it when that hot stud across the... Read More

Catch a Cheating Lover?

Relationships. Virtually all of us are in one, or at... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More

How to Spot a Cheater

Is your man the cheating type? Here are some clues... Read More

Playful, Innocent Phone Sex

So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk... Read More

Playing the Part

A revelation came to me at the most unsuspecting time.... Read More

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm... Read More

Should I Leave This Relationship?

How do you know when it's time to say goodbye... Read More