Can This Relationship Be Helped?

I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?

Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: "As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It's generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it's time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good."

When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves.

Let's take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria's anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria's anger. He believes that being a "nice guy" will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself.

Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She's tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone.

Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time.

Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

---

5 Ways to Tell Your Man You Love Him

Telling your man that you love him is part of... Read More

Ten Tips to Play Together, and Stay Together: Lessons from the Teepee Turn-around

There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

How to Get a Woman to Treat You the Way You Deserve

You know the scenario. You start dating a woman. After... Read More

Extra-marital Affairs...Yes or No!!!

Extra-marital Affairs?Yes or No!!! (Think and Tell)"Human Relations", a complex... Read More

Put-Downs: The Whole Story

What put-downs really areLet me begin by saying what they... Read More

Relationhip Advice: 10 Magic Words

Just about every night at our house, we read a... Read More

An Introduction to Relationships

"Love makes the world go around" was true when it... Read More

Interview with Tigress Luv: How To Get Over A Breakup

Recently I had the opportunity to interview my personal favorite... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

The Narcissist and His Family

We are all members of a few families in our... Read More

Girl Talk - Boy Talk

Chas and Dave wrote a song about it and how... Read More

Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts

"The only difference between a rut and a grave are... Read More

Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous... Read More

Does Age Matter?

In the Asian online dating world it is not uncommon... Read More

Daisies A Story About Life

"I love daisies too," she told him several nights after... Read More

The Sponge Pattern

Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been... Read More

Fear of a Broken Heart

Dear Candace,I am in the process of getting divorced and... Read More

What is a Red Flag

The focus of many of the last few articles has... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

Mairi

Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She... Read More

True Love - Part 1

True Love! We all dream of being in love with... Read More

How to Survive an Affair - Take Care!

Surviving an affair can be a very traumatic experience. Partners... Read More

Tune Up Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart?... Read More

Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7,... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

Is Love Ever In Vain?

All too often you fall in love with someone out... Read More

10 Things You Probably Didnt Know About Signs of Infidelity

Certain things about signs of infidelity come as a surprise... Read More

Buying A Diamond For Your Special Person?

The first thing you want to consider when buying a... Read More

How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More

How Not to Compromise With Your Partner

Do you ever disagree with your spouse? Or your boyfriend... Read More

Being Mindful of Your Mates Space

SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More

Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For

Sometimes when a relationship has gone sour, our efforts are... Read More