He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship

It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our parents starting with single words--mama, dada, we add adjectives, big boy, nice kitty. And even though we learn, and speak, the same language--English, French, German--we also learn sub-languages, languages that may differ so greatly we clog communication as if speaking to a foreigner, or worse. With a foreigner we expect to not understand. We assume we understand with someone speaking our own language.

It starts like this: Two households on the same street. Billy in the first house, Susie in the second house, both are a year old. And both have a pet.

In the first house, behind four walls and a closed door, Billy sits on the rug with his little furry Buddy as his dad exclaims daily, "damn dog, damn dog, damn dog."

In the second house, behind four walls and a closed door, every time young Susie looks at her Belle, mama says, "cute puppy, cute puppy, cute puppy."

Now, twenty years later Billy and Susie get married. They get their first dog and have a very different vocabulary to describe the very same dog. Hopefully Susie can stand to hear Billy call her little Ralphy, "damn dog," and Billy can stand Susie addressing his rough, tough, best friend, "cute puppy."

Amongst relationships, we seem to always run into, "you said this," " but, I meant that." "No, you said this, and it means such and such." "That doesn't mean such and such, I just meant such." "Impossible!" Communication meltdown due to different sub-languages.

Some words hold more or less impact than others. We may be desensitized to certain words and we may hold deep meaning in others. Here's another example of a communication breakdown by a couple named Said and Heard.

He wrote the hefty check and said, "dang house payment." She stood in her gourmet kitchen and heard, "dang house payment." Now if these two take for granted they understand each other, Said will go on with life as normal, only a bit irritated as he'd like to take a vacation instead of spending the necessary money on a mortgage payment. And Heard, not knowing this was about a vacation, assumes it's about the fact she chose such a large house. Heard will walk around with bitterness, worry, and other such emotions which will effect her state of being. Said will wonder what her problem is and if days have passed Said won't understand what Heard is mad about.

They will then fight about minor things that have transpired over these few days, how he wiped his brow and sighed after cutting the large lawn, and she shakes her head and says, "you really hate it here don't you?"

Said asks, "What are you talking about? I don't hate it here." Heard won't believe it, they will fight, and have a hard time tracing it back to the original comment. Or if they do, Said will say, "that was so last week," when yes, it was last week, but now the single comment of "dang house payment" has magnetically caught little shavings of lead--the wipe of a brow, the sigh--all week, and this one comment grows heavier and heavier until "dang house payment" is just too heavy for Heard to bear. This could easily be solved by communicating the emotion a word or phrase causes the moment it is heard or said. Heard should have looked up in her gourmet kitchen, and said, "What does dang house payment mean? What are you saying?" Said would reply, "I can use a vacation, but we need somewhere to live, don't we?" Heard nods with a smile.

The word "pathetic" doesn't carry much weight for me, it is a nice word I would maybe use to describe myself if I were to lay around on the couch all day and do nothing, yet if I were to use this very same word to describe myself when speaking to a certain friend of mine she would assume I was suicidal and consider calling the police to rescue me. This word carries much more meaning with her.

If my boyfriend were to tell me I'm mentally unstable without telling me he's just referring to my PMS state at the moment, I may assume he thinks I belong in an insanity ward somewhere, locked up forever. And we will fight. The words "mentally unstable" carry a heavier meaning for me.

How important it is to communicate as well as analyze our sub communication. Tell each other, because you said this, I feel that. Ask each other, was what you said intended to make me feel this? Could I take your such and such to mean such? And if the answer is no, believe it, understand, and explain it, so the next time won't be so bad. You'll grow to understand each other along with each others speaking styles and a sweet little communicating river will flow.

Tiffany Twist is the author of two books, TIFFANY TWISTED: exposed, unraveled, rewritten (June 2004 by et al Publishing) and SOME DANCE: Hey bartender, I'll take a decade of marriage on the rocks, a therapist straight up, and a fantasy guy with a twist (April 2005 by et al Publishing) and can be contacted through her web site, http://www.tiffanytwist.com.

---

Live Like You Were Dying: Help for Overcoming an Affair

In the recovery phase of my husbands last affair I... Read More

Find Your Love as Early as Possible

Life is made of innumerable dots. Dots, which are part... Read More

Russian Brides - Who Are They?

In recent years, thousands of young Russian and Ukrainian women... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

How to Get a Woman to Treat You the Way You Deserve

You know the scenario. You start dating a woman. After... Read More

Is Your Negative Thinking Scaring Off Your Soul Mates?

Francine Bonnecelli* swore off relationships the day her husband of... Read More

Whats Up With Unconditional Love?

To tell you the truth, I'm a little disillusioned with... Read More

You CAN Improve Your Relationship

It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant... Read More

Little Help Finding Love Online

Visit the dating sites.If finding love online is what you're... Read More

Pros and Cons of Online Relationships

Modern technology hasn't solved any of the problems of creating... Read More

The Evolution of Love

Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone... Read More

Holy Mantrimony

In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More

Ladies, Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind?

According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the Couple

Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

Tune Up Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart?... Read More

Discerning The Loving Heart

How often have you had the experience of connecting with... Read More

What is a Red Flag

The focus of many of the last few articles has... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

Gag Gifts

Gag gifts can be very funny. They can also cause... Read More

Relationship Problems: Solvable or Unsolvable

Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim... Read More

Great Relationships: Checkbook Battles and How to Solve Them

"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Survive a Break Up

Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of... Read More

How to Find Relationship Advice

One thing to keep in mind when seeking relationship advice... Read More

ARC of Understanding

In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More

Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs

Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is... Read More

Eight Ways to be a Better Friend

Being a good friend is a skill we can learn... Read More

How Much Time Do You Invest in Relationship Maintenance?

When starting a new relationship, we usually adopt a subconscious... Read More

Why Doesnt She Leave Him?

It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More

Relationship Advice: Powerful Tips for Staying Close and Connected

Staying close in your relationship does not just happen.Staying close... Read More

The Spiritual Connection of True Romance

In the springtime, with the flowers budding and the birds... Read More

Its Your Fault I Had An Affair!

When you read it like that, out of context, you'd... Read More