What Do the Words ?I Don?t Love You Anymore? Really Mean?

Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly announced, "I don't love you anymore"? If so, then you know that these words can split a marriage wide open, along with the heart of the partner who may not have suspected that anything was wrong.

Like most spouses in your situation, you may be confused and struggling to understand what those five ominous words "I don't love you anymore" really mean. Let's look at four of the possibilities:

1. Your Spouse May Have Confused Feelings

The most common situation is that the partner has doubts about his feelings. A more accurate wording might be: "I don't think that I love you anymore, but I'm not absolutely sure."

If this is what your spouse means, you can often use this doubt, even if it's only a very small doubt, to buy time for your marriage. Your spouse may be more likely to agree to go to marriage counseling while he takes additional time to determine if he really wants to leave the marriage or not.

Rather than framing an appeal to your spouse as doing you a favor, say instead, "Please don't throw away your investment of time in our marriage yet." This request reminds him that he's losing something if he walks away.

Help him recall all the energy, hard work, and dreams he has invested in the marriage so far. He may conclude that it just makes good sense for him to wait until he's absolutely sure about what he wants to do.

2. The Romance May Be Gone

Another meaning the words "I don't love you anymore" can have is that your spouse feels she loves you but that she is not IN love with you any longer. This is usually extremely difficult for the other spouse to comprehend. How can she say that she loves you but not in a romantic way, more like a friend or sibling? What does she mean?

When she says "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you," she may feel that she has been the main one trying to keep romance alive. She may have told you that she wished you communicated more or would take more initiative in planning romantic or fun things to do. She has probably tried to initiate discussions about her needs or how the two of you could feel more bonded.

It's likely that in the past your spouse has suggested you both go to marriage counseling, all to no avail. She probably feels that her pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Her perception may be that you don't value the relationship because you have been unwilling to make changes that are important to her.

She eventually may resign herself to the fact that you aren't going to change. Her feelings of sexual desire and romantic attraction often diminish over time until the passionate spark is no longer there. She still cares about you, but she doesn't feel romantic toward you any longer.

It's impossible to predict which sparks can be fanned back into flames. Some spouses will leave anyway, saying that it's too late, that the other spouse has waited too long to start taking acton. Other spouses may be deeply touched by the partner's depth of feeling and efforts to change. They may agree to stay in the marriage and see what's possible with both partners working on the relationship.

3. Abuse Almost Always Puts Out the Flame

A third possibility is that your spouse has shut down loving feelings towards you because of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. It's not hard to predict that partners who are threatened, slapped, verbally put down, constantly criticized, and unappreciated would not be likely to have loving feelings toward the abuser. Often they have no other choice but to leave the marriage in order to protect themselves and their children.

If you have a history of being abusive in any way to your spouse or children, it's time to find an experienced therapist to help you. You will want to look at yourself in the mirror of a trained professional's eyes. Often abusers themselves were abused as children. Abusive behavior was ingrained in them at a very young age.

If this is your case, know that you can't help the environment you grew up in. What you can do is to make sure your loved ones are protected from it. Often people act out unconsciously the patterns they were taught as kids, only to perpetuate the cycle by acting the same way with their own families. The good news is that this vicious cycle can be stopped if you are willing to get help.

4. Addiction Can Kill Love

A fourth possibility is that if you have an addiction, your spouse may have had all he can endure. Addictions can take many different forms. Common addictions include alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, sexual addiction, and compulsive spending. Any of these behaviors can destroy a marriage.

The pain, confusion, and problems associated with living with a spouse who drinks until she passes out on the sofa each night can certainly dull romantic excitement. More often than not, the person drinking or using drugs doesn't think she has a serious problem.

When the person is confronted about the drinking or drug use, a standard comeback is "I'm not an alcoholic (or druggie) because I can stop anytime I want to." This is called denial, and many marriages have been wrecked because of it. For there to be any glimmer of hope that the marriage can be salvaged, the spouse with the addiction must be motivated and willing to seek help.

In an ideal world, your partner would be able to tell you in a clear, coherent fashion what his experience in the marriage has been, at what point his feelings for you changed, and why. If your spouse can do this, you're fortunate.

Since people vary in their depth of self-understanding and the ability to communicate feelings, you may have more difficulty in getting immediate answers to your questions. And your spouse may still be trying to put all of the pieces together himself. When he says he doesn't know why his feelings have changed, he may be telling the truth.

You may never know everything involved in your partner's shift from being in love with you to not wanting to be in the marriage, but it's important to understand what's happened as much as possible. That's where counseling can help.

You can tell your spouse that whether your marriage makes it or not, you need to process what has happened and take responsibility for your part. State that it will be really difficult and painful for you if the two of you end your marriage without even trying marriage counseling.

Your goal in entering counseling is to learn more about yourself and your partner, to improve your relationship skills, and to buy time for the marriage while you tackle the problems. That puts you in the best position to explore why the embers of love have died and to see if they can be fanned into flames once again.

Tips adapted from the book Keep Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. and Lee Hefner. Available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com. , where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Contact Nancy at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

---

Blondes Talking About Blondes!

What is it about blondes that both sexes find so... Read More

Real Solutions For Combatting Extreme Shyness

Most people experience some degree of shyness from time to... Read More

Soul Mate Myths

But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More

How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits

Is there someone close to you who has an annoying... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

The Secret of Relationship Success

With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%,... Read More

How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot... Read More

Two Easy Steps To Finding Joy In All Your Relationships

Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More

Parasitic Relationship

Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind,... Read More

Coping with Your Difficulties in Yourself

Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More

What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like?

When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 1

Subtitle ? A Troll? What the **** is that and... Read More

How To Open Up While Staying Safe

When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it... Read More

Relationships: Last a Lifetime

Stepping into a new position brought along a few surprises.... Read More

Beware of Becoming a Professional Online Dater

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find their "perfect... Read More

How To Save Your Marriage

Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a... Read More

How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More

Relationship Advice - How to Improve Intimacy

A relationship requires intimacy. I don't think anyone would argue... Read More

Are You Looking for Ms. Right or Mr. Not so Wrong?

Do you want to find the "love of your life?"It's... Read More

Find Love The Zen Way

"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More

The Evolution of Dating at 40 and 50

I am sick of the dating scene at 40. The... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part II)

This is a continuation of part one of this article... Read More

Here Come the Questions

Why is it that even though I am not positive... Read More

Dangerous Relationship?

I will in this article cover some of my own... Read More

Daisies A Story About Life

"I love daisies too," she told him several nights after... Read More

Has The Magic Gone From Your Relationship?

Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now.... Read More

Support for Non-ADD Spouses and Partners

Living with adult ADD can be quite a challenge. Not... Read More

How to Handle Problem People: Life Lessons from a Balky Bovine

Do you have people in your life that p? (make... Read More

What Makes The Ideal Man?

Are you looking for the Ideal Man? While my book... Read More

Build your Social Support Network

A social support network is a group of people who... Read More

Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict

"And they lived happily ever after.........."Yeah right.Perhaps I'm a little... Read More

Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers!

Remember that big hug she gave you when you got... Read More

How To Find The Perfect Roommates

If you have looked high and low, left and right... Read More