Is Love Ever In Vain?

All too often you fall in love with someone out of a place of need: you may need someone to complete you because as you are, you don't feel good enough. Still, the love that you feel for that other person may well be utterly genuine, even if its origins lie in your own inadequacies.

But somewhere along the line you believe that that love - which is your investment in the other person - should pay dividends. In a bad relationship, there may well not be the desired dividends.

Because there is so much hype and - dare I say it? - self-indulgence, magically sanctioned by the 'lurv' word, it's easy to confuse the issues.

It is quite possible to love the hurt child who hides in the depths of an abusive partne, or the needy child who drives the behaviour of the sex addict, or the suffering child cowering in the depths of any number of other damaged (and damaging) human beings.

But do you really want to bind your life to theirs? Is expecting profoundly damaged human beings to contribute to your happiness reasonable? And is it a good idea to dismiss the voice of reason?

You have the choice whether you want to respond to people with love and compassion in the moment... and pass on; or whether you want to make a crusade of the relationship. When you embark on a crusade, a rescue mission or shoring up your own sense of self through another person, you invest your self-worth misguidedly. Then your investment, or more correctly, your gamble, will be in vain, as a general rule. As with any other investment, you can get it wrong - in which case the sensible thing is to get out as fast and painlessly as you can.

A lot of people,at some point in their life,will throw good love after bad. Just the same as people do with money. It's a strategy that is unlikely to produce the desired results, in either case. Still loving has to be better than not loving. Refusing to love, or closing down to love, numbs the very soul.

And just as there are various lanes to the wealth highway, so there are several lanes to love. There is the love you have for your partner. There are also the family, friends and people you meet in specific contexts with whom, however briefly, you can have a loving - that is to say, caring, empathic, disinterested - relationship. That kind of relationship, surely, never is in vain.

Finally, there is Lucille Ball's comment, which deserves to become mantra: 'Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.' Now that kind of love is surely never in vain.

Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal relationship pain and attract the relationships they want. To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, or subscribe to her twice monthly ezine go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com or email: annie@joyfulcoaching.com

---

Relationship Advice: Wash that (Bad) Man Out of Your Hair

Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims... Read More

Finding Love With Feng Shui

If true love has been eluding you, you could increase... Read More

Is There Romance In The Zodiac?

Many people know that the zodiac is a circle in... Read More

Relationship Advice: Closeness and Connection

In my work with couples, certain themes have emerged that... Read More

Relationships: Last a Lifetime

Stepping into a new position brought along a few surprises.... Read More

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I... Read More

9 Reasons You May Not be Getting the Love you Deserve

Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More

Friendship Advice for a Shrinking Planet

Ahh, friends. The people we pick up along the proverbial... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

Choosing an Online Dating Service

The problem with choosing a dating service is choice --... Read More

Dangerous Relationship?

I will in this article cover some of my own... Read More

For Better Or Worse

For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More

Happily Single v Happily Married

Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives... Read More

Do Men Just Want Mommy?

Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist... Read More

The Counsel of Caution

Caution is a word with a fine old-fashioned ring. The... Read More

How Can Empathy Shape Your Values?

One of the most underrated concepts that most people overlook... Read More

Should I Leave This Relationship?

How do you know when it's time to say goodbye... Read More

Rekindling An Old Flame

Dr. Nancy Kalish, a psychology professor at California State University,... Read More

Charisma, Love and Health

This is an amazing story. It's about my friend Robert.... Read More

The Sting

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More

To Know You Is To Love You

How do you show someone you love them? Do you... Read More

Slaying The Green Eyed Monster

He hasn't called in hours. You call and get the... Read More

Can a Male and Female be JUST Friends?

Introduction Have you ever heard or have you ever seen,... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

Are You Chasing Dollars or Your Kids?

Striking a perfect balance between work and home today can... Read More

Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love... and Just Love Being in Love

I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably... Read More

Who Should Relocate In A Long Distance Relationship?

My Dear Lover,Soon or later, you and your beloved will... Read More

Seduction Secrets For Men Part 3 - A Wonderful Idea To Spice Up Your Existing Relationships

There is a cool little game for spicing up your... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the Couple

Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More

Travel to Find a Russian Bride

Do you agree that the best lessons are lessons given... Read More

The Five Minute Relationship Miracle

"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More

Can We Still Be Friends?

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More

Why Its Important to Stay in Contact with Your Friends when Youre in a Relationship

So often when we begin to enter into a new... Read More