He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.
But for a while....
You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed into a "friend crush".
You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?
What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?
Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:
* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo
In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still have your friend.
* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthen
This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.
* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way
If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.
* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new feelings for them
This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current friendship.
Why?
Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.
Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.
The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly. http://www.consum-mate.com
![]() |
|
![]() |
|
![]() |
|
![]() |
This is a story about a woman we will call... Read More
Recognizing your gift of choice is liberating. This means acknowledging... Read More
In life, few people ever step up to live their... Read More
We have all heard the expression, "if at first you... Read More
He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have... Read More
See if this scenario sounds familiar. You're under a lot... Read More
Is there a way to change your life condition, and... Read More
What will it cost you if you don't do it?Everyone... Read More
And the real sad part is that the people involved... Read More
If you want to learn how to be a good... Read More
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always... Read More
(Excerpts From The Book) Successercising "The Science Of Success Achievement... Read More
When you have an important event to attend there are... Read More
If you've ever thought about wanting to increase your physical... Read More
It's time for the "mainstream" to WAKE UP. The alarm... Read More
Dick and Jay sat on the ground outside the shed.... Read More
If we could choose right now, this moment, how we... Read More
Without appreciation, any success you have will be in vain... Read More
Imagine there is an event that will take place in... Read More
1. Everyday, in everyway, bless the universe in as much... Read More
I wish you never have to go through that kind... Read More
Recently, I received an interesting email in which a woman... Read More
In a society where interaction is part of everyday life,... Read More
Once in a while a book comes along that can... Read More
There is an art and a science to prosperity. The... Read More
The Concept of Beauty"Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who's the... Read More
There's a big opportunity here! The holidays bring a change... Read More
Stepping outside your old limitations and 'out of the box'... Read More
Blushing can be a curse. Blushers experience a range of... Read More
What matters most in life to you? Money, Time, Friends,... Read More
The top business people all say the same thing ?... Read More
While I was growing up, my dad repeatedly told me... Read More
Many people on the planet are realizing that the key... Read More
Visualization is an essential tool for attracting your dreams and... Read More
If we could choose right now, this moment, how we... Read More
It is becoming clear that the way a country or... Read More
Recently a friend of mine was talking about all the... Read More
This question and answer interview was done by Kathy Smith,... Read More
I wish you never have to go through that kind... Read More
Imagine trying to drive at night in your car with... Read More
Why communication through body language and appropriate language are crucial... Read More
Nothing ever happens by chance. Everything, good or bad, that... Read More
As I connect with more and more women I am... Read More
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Thoughts are things and... Read More
Very often when you are talking to people what you... Read More
What is Desire? Let us see! Webster tells us that... Read More
See if this scenario sounds familiar. You're under a lot... Read More
How can we have more abundance in our lives? It... Read More
There's a big opportunity here! The holidays bring a change... Read More
For the longest time, people believed that the earth was... Read More
We live in a world filled with beliefs, values, and... Read More
Growing up, we all had a mental picture of the... Read More
Truth To Live By:What truths do you live by? Are... Read More
"I'd like to find a partner who dances. Do you?"... Read More
"Hoy-day! What a sweep of vanity comes this way!" --William... Read More
The Law of Attraction teaches us that whatever you focus... Read More
1. The most important one: Have at least one person... Read More
Are you on the road yet? If not, pony up... Read More
Each relationship combines two individual stories to coauthor a new... Read More
At every moment you can tell if the vibration that... Read More
Where does our motivation come from? What makes us want... Read More
Is being special or unique a property of an object... Read More
Most people want to do their life's work. Some people... Read More
Some people lure romance to them. Some folks magnetize riches.... Read More
What you need to understand is that there is no... Read More
The other day I was walking out of a store... Read More
Attraction |