Women and Bad Boys: What Is The Attraction?

"Bad Boys".

If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.

There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"!

So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.

So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring a bell?

*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get together

*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology

*never having any money when you are out

* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates

*flirting openly with other women when you are together

*hitting on your good friend(s)

*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with others

*is doing time for a serious felony

Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them. The following are actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.

* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."

* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him."

* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together."

* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does."

* "He's so charming and passionate."

* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me."

* "He needs me."

* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."

* "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him."

Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem?

Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"

The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:

*level of self-esteem

*capacity for intimacy

*roles that she has been in throughout her life

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.

If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.

If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.

If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.

Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without.

Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on "clarifying and living your values".

Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches.

In The News:

---

Right Thinking

Nothing ever happens by chance. Everything, good or bad, that... Read More

Jerry Green?s Top Ten Adversity Busters

I've navigated plenty of speed bumps on life's road. My... Read More

Whats the Opposite of Doubt?

The Law of Attraction teaches us that whatever you focus... Read More

How to Take Control of Your Self Confidence

If you think success, happiness and love are going to... Read More

How To Create The Life You Really Want

Australians are losing their laidback, carefree reputation, as we continue... Read More

Limited Thought, Limited Experience

I was reminded once again the other day about how... Read More

7 Ways To Make a Great First Impression

When you have an important event to attend there are... Read More

Seeing What You Never Saw Before

Have you ever bought a new car and then afterwards... Read More

Appreciation Attracts Prosperity

Did you know that appreciation is one of the most... Read More

The Wealth-Receiving Mindset

Here is an exercise for you that will develop what... Read More

Tiger and the Three Pigs

After years of terrorizing the countryside, hunting deer, poaching livestock,... Read More

Pretending Your Life As You Want It - True Power Series

This is the sixth article in our "True Power" series.... Read More

The Top 10 Roadblocks to Attracting Prosperity and what We can Do About Them!

If it were easy, everyone would do IT; everyone would... Read More

On St. Valentines Day, Or Any Romantic Interlude, Woo Your Sweetheart With Chocolates, Roses...

On Valentine's Day, or any romantic interlude, lovers should woo... Read More

Success, Opportunity, Carl, and Kenny G

A couple of weeks ago I celebrated my anniversary by... Read More

Everyday People Are Accomplishing Their Dreams - Now Its Your Turn!

If you can do anything in this time in your... Read More

Four Steps to Attracting More Good Luck

The Luck Factor rips apart the notion that luck is... Read More

My Assignment ... If You Didnt Create It, Then Its Not Yours!

Life consists of lessons. Living is continual learning. Therefore, if... Read More

Mind Your Mind

Three Secrets to Effective Affirmations:1 Drive your Physiology - by... Read More

How Do You Attract Opportunity Into Your Life?

Someone recently asked me the question: "How can I have... Read More

The Pearl Story

I'm going to tell you the story of one of... Read More

Recognize Desire AS Power

I just moved into my new luxurious, harborside condo, overlooking... Read More

Self-Concept and Self-Actualization: Nucleus of Shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder

In the dynamics of the self-concept and in the tendency... Read More

The Path of Appreciation

Without appreciation, any success you have will be in vain... Read More

The Fastest Way To Manifest Your Desires

Is there a way to change your life condition, and... Read More

Getting What You Want Most From Other People

Very often in relationships we do not seem to be... Read More

Why and How You are Caught Up?

Speed Up the Evolution!1. Check the area where you are... Read More

What Do You Want This Year?

Christmas is all around us, and many people are making... Read More

Success Is In Your Hands - For Things To Change, I Must Change First!

Do you know that many people feel they cannot achieve... Read More

A Magnificent Obsession Is The Best Medicine!

The idea I'm about to share with you can bring... Read More

Write Goals, Say Prayers, and See Your Successful Future

Would you like to have more success in your life?... Read More

10 Keys to Prosperity

1. Everyday, in everyway, bless the universe in as much... Read More

Rising Above the Average

There is nothing more motivating than reading a story about... Read More