Dispell Anger in 2 Simple Steps

"It really works!" "Well, I'll be?!"

BJ like so many others in the workshop was astounded that a technique so simple could produce such an amazing result. You must try it. Next time your partner flares up in anger do this. In a very non-threatening calm and sincere tone of voice say...

"You're really mad right now?" or "Something I did made you angry?"

And watch the energy change. The anger dissipates almost like magic. A sense of relief replaces the intense emotion.

Most every time acknowledging anger in a compassionate manner diffuses the emotion and a rational conversation can continue. It works for life and business partners, for parents of teenagers, employers and staff, and even customer service representatives fielding calls from enraged consumers.

A word of caution, this technique is not to be used with the violent abuser, the rage-aholic, or a person under the influence of a mood altering substance. With this population this approach may well back fire and heighten the negative emotion instead of diffuse it. However, it works fantastically 99% of the time with those of us average folk who get frustrated and mad due to life's common stresses.

Wait a minute though, we're not done yet, there are two important keys to this 'magic' that you must remember:

  • Your tone of voice and attitude must be non-threatening
  • You must verbally identify the anger without sarcasm or belittling words
    • Yes, all it takes is applying these two steps correctly and you'll diffuse anger every time. To assure your success let's take a closer look at both.

    Tone of Voice: This is so critical. If you come across the least bit hurt, angry yourself, or sarcastic you dispel the magic. Your partner, friend, child or colleague will get defensive and the anger will not dissipate. Your tone must be calm, totally sincere, warm and kind. For it to be that way you have to feel that way. Not necessarily easy if you are experiencing elevated emotions yourself. Therefore this tactic generally works best right at the onset of a possible argument and not when one is already raging.

    So, the key here is act quickly, focus on remaining calm and genuinely feel for the other person.

    Verbally identify the Anger: Formulating the right words is not as crucial as coming across sincere and kindly. It is important that you verbally state the perceived emotion, in this case anger. You may choose to label it 'frustration' or say 'annoyed' instead of 'anger' which ever you feel fits best. The important thing is to identify it in a questioning manner. Yes, it must be a question and not a statement of fact. You must allow the other person to confirm your assumption. If you express your comment as a fact your partner, friend, child or colleague is liable to stay anger and put up more barriers instead of allowing them to crumble.

    Key here is to pose a brief question regarding the anger you perceive in such a manner that the other responds in the affirmative.

    "Yes I am" is accompanied or immediately followed by a sense of release and a rational conversation is once again possible.

    Where to go from here, well, that's for another discussion, for now just remember to stay calm and focused on the issue at hand and you'll do fine.

    Remember, life is short?ENJOY!

    Margrit Harris
    Your Relationship Expert for Life and Business Partners
    http://www.stratateam.com/advice.asp

    Margrit is a former Team Relationship Consultant for First Union Securities [now Wachovia], Morgan Stanley, and many small business owners and professionals. She was a marriage and family therapist for several years as well. Today Margrit offers free relationship advice on-line, writes articles for Horsesmouth [an on-line service for financial advisors] and makes money selling her Relationship Tests [called Awareness Tools]. Soon her Relationship Principles e-books [for Life and Business Partners] and other stuff to make bad relationships good and good relationships great will also be available at http://www.stratateam.com/WhyitWorks.asp

    In The News:

    pen paper and inkwell


    cat break through


    Managing Life Changes the Tetris Way (or How to Let the Blocks Fall with Skill and Grace)

    Are you undergoing a major life change? Or merely trying... Read More

    Need A Miracle? Build One, Everyday!

    Henry Ford, after he had achieved great success, was the... Read More

    Universal Thought Systems #4

    Before we are able to use the Universal Thought System... Read More

    A Rain Secret To Change Your Mind

    Heard of a raindance? It is a ritual used by... Read More

    Are You Thinking The Right Thoughts?

    "A person is limited only by the thoughts that he... Read More

    What?!? No Bananas?

    "Where are your bananas?" It seemed like a logical question... Read More

    Time To Give Up Resentment

    Resentment isn't a spectacular emotion, but it is long-lasting and... Read More

    Self-Confidence Sliding Downward!

    There are times in all of our lives where our... Read More

    Star Wars the POSITIVE Effect !

    In many ways the Star War movies are simply a... Read More

    How Much Better Can You Have It?

    "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't... Read More

    Positive Changes Achieved by Exercising Mind, Body & Spirit

    My story explains the struggles I had as a 23-year-old... Read More

    How Attitude is Everything

    "Most overnight successes are just plain lucky. Just ask any... Read More

    Four Powerful Pathways Into The Light And Sound Of Ones

    The easiest, most exciting adventure in consciousness follows the lamplit... Read More

    Acceptance as a Path to Inner Peace

    Inevitably in life we will face disappointment from time to... Read More

    Knowing the Power of Positive Thinking

    In the self-help and wellness industry, a mission has been... Read More

    You, Your Self Estem, and Its Importance in Your Growth!

    IntroductionDid your boss, took you for a ride? Did your... Read More

    Lose Your Hope And You Can Bring Down The Curtain!

    The others in the raft didn't seem to share Eddie's... Read More

    Success, the Only Option

    One often hears people say they can't sketch because they... Read More

    Think Positive: Using Affirmations to Create Health, Wealth and Beauty

    You've heard the buzzwords: Attitude is everything! Change your perspective!... Read More

    Self Confidence and the Way You Use Your Words

    The way we use language can have a huge impact... Read More

    10 Passion Principles to Creating the Rest of Your Life

    1. Take passionate action towards living your life by design.... Read More

    Does Life Really Stink?

    One of my class fellows was really tensed, when asked... Read More

    Managing Your OCD, Panic Attacks, and Obsessive Thoughts

    There are times that we encounter fearful thoughts that can... Read More

    Positive Mental Attitude

    Look at this glass on the table in front of... Read More

    Positioned For Success - The Refined Art Of Taking A Chance

    ARE YOU IN... OR OUT?Are you in or out of... Read More

    Mental Fitness For Confidence And Winning In Life

    Studies show that men and women profit most with having... Read More

    Life Changing Attitude

    Do you really believe that there is anything in this... Read More

    How to Change Any Belief

    I have studied the idea of changing thoughts to create... Read More

    Affecting Positive Results Through Affirmations

    Last time we talked about how to begin building the... Read More

    The Use of Affirmations

    What is an affirmation? One possible definition is a specific... Read More

    The Difference Between the Curmudgeons and the Serene

    Have you ever noticed how many unhappy people there are... Read More

    Seeing Challenges as Opportunities

    Are you a person who loves challenges, or hates them?... Read More

    Change

    One thing in life is certain---change. Things never stay the... Read More