1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make your teen-ager do
It doesn't work. When our kids are infants, we are in total charge. Between ages 3 to 13, kids still really like us, and often will go along with what we want.
However, from 13 on they realize they are as big as we are, and they can really do a lot of what they want. So, stop focusing on what you are going to make them do and start focusing on what you are going to do. How you are going to respond to what they do; what you will give and what you will withhold; how you are going to model good choices for them. Focus on what you are going to do, because it's the only thing you can really control.
2. STOP lecturing
You didn't listen when your parents did it, so what makes you think your kids are going to listen to you?
The same information can be conveyed over time in short bursts. Keep it short and sweet. One of the best places to do the short and sweet stuff is while riding in the car. You have a captive audience, and you are both looking ahead and not staring at each other.
3. STOP using adultisms
We commit an adultism when we forget what it's like to be a teen -- to think and reason and experience the world as a teen -- and expect a teen-ager, who has never been an adult, to think, act, reason and experience the world like an adult.
4. STOP grounding or restricting them for long periods of time
By long I mean, except for the most enormous of infractions, any longer than two weeks. For adults, two weeks is like a snap of the fingers -- gone. For most teens, two weeks seems like forever, which causes diminishing positive results the longer the grounding. Consequences need to be strong enough to get their attention, swift enough after the infraction to have an effect, and short-term so they can have another chance to do better soon.
5. STOP trying to reason with them about the rules
Here is one event I can guarantee will never happen in your household: You explain a rule or why you said no to your teen-ager, and they respond with, "Well, thank you, Mom and Dad, I never thought of it that way, and now that you have explained it that way to me, I no longer want to go to the movies with David, I feel bad for asking, and I think I'll just go to bed early and think about the wisdom you just shared with me."
There are still times when "because I said so" is the best thing you can say.
6. STOP making every issue a battle for control
If every issue is a battle for control, your teen will make every issue a battle for independence. Remember, trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla -it's just going to frustrate you and make the gorilla very mad.
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
![]() |
|
![]() |
|
![]() |
|
![]() |
"There is nothing new under the sun," states Ecclesiastes 1:9.... Read More
Spending quality time with your children doesn't need to cost... Read More
As parents and teachers, sometimes we want to praise, at... Read More
In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More
For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart,... Read More
NY -- Strange as it may sound, bordom promotes happier,... Read More
A growing body of scientific evidence shows that the way... Read More
Home schooling benefits children. As a parent, I feel it... Read More
Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More
My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More
Sometimes dreams really can come true! May 8th - 11th,... Read More
Children and teenagers are relentlessly bombarded with merchandise that entices.... Read More
Are your children truthful, kind, and helpful? If so, read... Read More
Dining in a restaurant with kids can be very enervating... Read More
What you say and do about money has a profound... Read More
While most fathers aspire to become the best Dads they... Read More
John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comLegacy to Your ChildrenIt's 6:30... Read More
Many families, ours included, have learned that breakfast is eaten... Read More
Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More
For several years now, I've told the following story as... Read More
Each child carries a unique picture of the self, shaped... Read More
1. Tell me something you like about yourself? Help your... Read More
An apology is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes... Read More
It's no joy to be sick. It's even less joy... Read More
All children will likely have many different health problems during... Read More
Using 14 "at" Flashcards To Teach Reading:This exercise helps your... Read More
Frankly, as a single parent of young children, I struggled.... Read More
Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More
ADHD comes in differenty forms, or types. What... Read More
Q. I don't like my children spending so much time... Read More
When my daughter was born, I must admit there was... Read More
The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh... Read More
Oh Please, Don't Say Maybe!!!!Are you often a participant in... Read More
One of the most difficult parts of being a father... Read More
In a consumer-driven society that broadcasts values you don't approve... Read More
As a hypnotherapist, I am acutely aware of the power... Read More
Until about the age of six, children do not generally... Read More
A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More
Choosing to leave your child with a caregiver is one... Read More
The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More
Children bombard parents with many challenging behaviours. We are delighted... Read More
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More
It is so important to create an environment that promotes... Read More
Parental Alienation Syndrome was probably first identified and codified by... Read More
The first year of a child's life is the most... Read More
Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More
Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More
Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More
Nanny 911 Interview with Montel WilliamsI saw an interview with... Read More
When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household,... Read More
We all want to comfort our children after they suffer... Read More
Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More
"Setting the alarm on Sunday mornings is inhuman?..God should know... Read More
Ah, potty training! Go to a local bookseller and you... Read More
Coupons can be a great tool in educating your child... Read More
Dads, please let me encourage you to change some things... Read More
Why Me?"We should certainly count our blessings, but we should... Read More
Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More
Once upon a time, I thought I had it all.... Read More
As the flurry of Back to School activities subside, parents... Read More
For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart,... Read More
I'll never forget my first lesson in a glider.I'd been... Read More
Parents, when you help your children learn to read, you... Read More
Sitterphobe "I never have a second to myself," this mother... Read More
I've learned numerous, important lessons on life, motherhood and men... Read More
Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More
Parenting |