Parenting Your Teenager: What to Do When Your Teen Feels Left Out

On a recent Saturday evening, I noticed a young teen-age girl crying alone. My first impulse was to go over and check on her. Worried that my approach might be taken the wrong way, I just smiled at her and went in the store to meet my wife. I forgot about it until we came out to the car.

Same girl, still crying.

My wife went to see what was going on. Turns out that the girl was upset because she'd been treated badly by some friends and felt left out. My wife told her she went through that, too, as a kid. Then the girl hit her with the big question:

"Does it get any better?"

Does it? Well, yes and no.

The yes part

When you are young, it seems almost like life and death. As you get to the other side of the current crisis, you are able to gain some perspective, and it feels less urgent and hurts just a little less. As you learn to effectively deal with these situations, it can definitely get better.

But getting left out always hurts. This is because having a sense of belonging is one of our greatest emotional needs. This is especially true when you are young. I've noticed that the teens and the parents both have a part to play in handling these painful situations.

Tips for teens

If you find yourself on the receiving end of being left out, there are some powerful things you can do. The most difficult is to ask what you might be doing that sets you up to get left out.

Another strategy is to realize that most often, being left out says so much more about them than it does about you. Seek other friendships.

Don't waste energy trying to fit into a group that thrives on excluding people. By becoming an includer and seeking out others, you build your own group and get to belong.

The choice to include others may go against what some of your friends want, but it will eventually make you more popular, because you end up with more friends and because you have a stronger character.

Tips for parents

Later that night, the girl's mom called to thank Lauren for talking with her.

Fortunately, the mom understands how important this struggle is to her daughter. Many parents do not.

What may seem like kid stuff to us is the whole world to them. When you consider that a teen's world is often made up of who you know, who you hang out with and who you are seen with, you can begin to understand the importance of this struggle.

This is one way teen-agers begin to learn how to deal with their own emotions, how to interact with others, and how to respond to disappointment. If they are bringing these situations to you, they are honoring you as parents. By treating the situation seriously, you honor them.

If you respond to their pain as if you think it's silly, you damage the relationship and virtually guarantee they will not come to you.

Let them know you understand how much it hurts and how important it is to them. Help them see that it may not be at all about them, but about the other person's poor choices. At the same time, help them identify any patterns of behavior that might be setting them up to get left out. Encourage them to seek out others.

You may be tempted to tell them your own stories of being left out as a kid. That's OK, as long as you listen to them and deal with their problems first.

Taking the situation seriously gives both of you a strong base from which to operate, to heal, and to handle this in a way that makes you both stronger.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Children Need Roots and Wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More

How You Can Help Your Child To Be An Avid Reader

Reading is the most efficient and economical way to help... Read More

The Courage to Be a Loving Parent

Most of us really don't like it when someone is... Read More

Back to School Success: The Parents Job and the Students Job

Q. With another school year starting, we are not sure... Read More

Missing The Bus

As a step daughter and step grand daughter, I followed... Read More

7 Ways to Survive the Start of the School Year

It happens every year. Just when you are settled in... Read More

My Best Buddy

My son, Dakota is now 7 yrs old. He is... Read More

Helping Your Child Develop

Here are some things that you can do to help... Read More

Ease Bug Bites with Easy Herbs

Summertime means insect bites and stings. Ouch! Take a leaf... Read More

The Safest Stuffed Toys for the Kids on your Gift List

Although it's hard to say when the first stuffed dogs... Read More

Maturing As a Parent

I have three children, ages 19 and 16 (yes, the... Read More

Signs of Child Sexual Abuse

Many families do not want to believe their child is... Read More

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, But Not For Ice Cream!

We all scream for ice cream. Or, we don't, at... Read More

Nothing Like a Mothers Love

Travel is a common theme in my life -- probably... Read More

Teenagers Taking Risks

It can be hard being a parent with a teen... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Love

I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More

Teaching Your Child Safety

Q. What is the best way to teach safety awareness... Read More

How to End the Misery of Bedwetting

When a child wets the bed they worry. Children tend... Read More

Useful Jogger Stroller Accessories

There are many useful jogger stroller accessories out on the... Read More

Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly

It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining... Read More

Vouchers --- Parents, Dont Depend On Them

Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More

Homeschooling ? Is It Worth It?

Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius: Training Your Child for Success

This time, I would like to talk about a subject... Read More

Spending Time With Your Child

Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More

Alias: Aptitude

Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get... Read More

Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson Never Went To Public School

Most of our Founding Fathers, including Ben Franklin, Sam Adams,... Read More

How Is Peaceful Parenting® Different?

Peaceful Parenting® ideas are very different from other kinds of... Read More

Gifts From The Heart: Moms Remember...

To the untrained eye, it might look like a piece... Read More

Five Easy Steps to Picking the Perfect Baby Name

One of the few decisions you'll make during pregnancy that... Read More

War Declared On Instant Messenger: How to Stop Your Child from Wasting Their Life Away Online

Hey Parents! I hate to tell you, but there is... Read More

Life Stuck In Fast Forward

the woes of being a parent of an ADHD child.....Like... Read More

Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive

In an actual war, to be attacked means to have... Read More

Parents --- Homeschooling Can Take a Lot Less Time Than You Think

The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More