In Defense of the Jelly Bean

Should a parent give a child a tangible reward when he or she has behaved properly or performed some important task such as doing homework, or helping around the house? Understandably, many parents are hesitant to use incentives, such as prizes, or food treats, to influence their children, especially considering the negative comments by some, but not all, contemporary parenting experts. For many parents, giving their children rewards feels like bribery and to them, should be thus avoided. Some parents object to giving rewards, because they conclude, that a child will end up wanting a reward for everything he or she does! And to these parents, rewarding children seems wrong.

In truth, almost all adults, will only work and sacrifice if there is a reward. Typically, the reward is in the form of a paycheck, but sometime the reward might be personal honour, or fame. Children are no different!

There is a danger in not accepting that children require motivating. Children, when their efforts are not acknowledged can be "turned off" to learning and co-operative behaviour, which then can lead to developmental and social difficulties. For many children, simple praise is enough, to acknowledge their accomplishments. However, at times, and especially for very young children, praise needs to be combined with something tangible like a sticker, or candy, or an allowance.

As parents we must be realistic and practical. We cannot motivate a child with things they don't want, even if our intentions are to educate them in the "true and noble ways" of life. We all want our children to be co-operative about doing their homework, be helpful around the house, and respectful to others. Yet to accomplish these correct goals, we need to bend-down to the mental and emotional of the child, and offer a "jelly bean" and a bit of praise. Certainly, not all behaviour needs to be, or should be, rewarded. Most children seek to please and want, at times, to cooperate. However, and for whatever reason, for certain tasks or attitudes, if the child resists complying, this is a sign that probably a reward for compliance should be offered. Sometimes, a negative consequence should be assigned for refusal to cooperate, if the reward does not sufficiently motivate.

To be effective, rewards should always match the child's level of maturity. When the child outgrows a desire for Acandy and toys@ he or she should be offered "nice clothes or money." As our children mature, it should be our goal to decrease external rewards and encourage more internal, self-motivating ones, and ultimately, when the child grows-up with spiritual and moral values, true altruism.

Children are very receptive and excellent learners. When they repeat a behaviour many times, it becomes "second nature." If we want our children to become exemplary adults, we must insist upon, and encourage, proper behaviour and attitudes when they are young.

Once a behaviour or attitude becomes second nature, it no longer needs to be externally encouraged. For example, if a child develops good study habits when young, as a result of parents having rewarded him/her for this behaviour, typically, as a teen and adult, he or she will continue to have good study habits, because it has now become a personal value, and external rewards are no longer necessary.

The best way is to acknowledge a child's accomplishments by giving generous praise and rewards. Tangible rewards help children improve in learning and good behaviour. Self-esteem is even enhanced since the child is being recognized for behaving properly. A child, and even a teen, likes to know they are doing a good job, and a tangible reward sends that message to them loud and clear.

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. Abe is also a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He concluded, after many years of clinical practice and research, that practical solutions requiring a focussed effort of no more than a few minutes a day for very specific personal and relationship problem were critically needed. Wisdom Scientific publishing house has been created to fill this need. For more information or a free e-bulletin, visit http://www.WisdomScientific.com

---

Does Sexual Abuse Usually Occur Just Once?

Your daughter tells you that Uncle Charley has touched her... Read More

Sibling Fighting - Reduce Sibling Rivalry by NOT Keeping Score

Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More

Pieces of Time and Pivotal Moments

Life is comprised of pieces of time sprinkled with pivotal... Read More

Why Consistency Is The Key To Raising Well-behaved Kids

Being consistent when children are less than perfect can make... Read More

To Clean or Not To Clean

Before my daughter was born my house was... Read More

The Cost of Competition on Kids

The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More

Eye-Opening Questions for Working Parents to Ask

I remember watching my 18-month-old son eat a big frosted... Read More

For School Success, Dont Coddle Your Kids

Parents want their children to succeed in school. However, sometimes... Read More

Children Need Roots and Wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More

Planning the Ultimate Kid Birthday Party

Child Party Planning Guideline #1)Pick the ThemeYour child is going... Read More

Life Lessons Learned in My Underwear

For several years now, I've told the following story as... Read More

Car Wash Fundraiser Preparation

Are you considering a car wash fundraiser for your group?... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Late vs. Too Late, and 5 More Sure Fire Tips

Late vs. Too LateEvery now and then, I'll hear a... Read More

Intro to Medications for ADD ADHD

The most common medications used in the treatment of Attention... Read More

Parenting in the Kitchen ? Lessons in Cooking, Socializing, and Bonding

Kitchens are where everything happens. It's not just where meals... Read More

Teaching Kids to Read

We are all so very happy to see that the... Read More

Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility

Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and... Read More

Teaching Kids the Value of Money

My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More

What To Do With A 6 Year Old Smart Mouth Know It All

Just the other day, I was talking to some other... Read More

Camps for Troubled Teens: Disciplines and Wilderness

Parents looking for a quick fix usually choose troubled teen... Read More

Some Tips for Healthy Parenting

Looking back through my files I've come across several great... Read More

Five Easy Steps to Picking the Perfect Baby Name

One of the few decisions you'll make during pregnancy that... Read More

Create Your Dream Family

There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More

Minimizing Homework Hassles

John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comParents ? Minimize Homework Hassles?It's... Read More

The POWER of Reading

Reading to your child at a young age is one... Read More

Screaming Kids Driving You Nuts? Four Rules to Help You Keep Your Sanity!

Often I will hear parents say, "I just ignore Jr.... Read More

Secrets from the Classroom: Avoiding Summer Learning Loss

In June, elementary school children across North America cheered as... Read More

Its OK to Say No

In the last 20 years we've all been introduced to... Read More

Parents, Teach Thought-Stopping! Fix Crooked Thinking Caps

Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe,... Read More

Why First Borns Fuss, Seconds Are Resilient and Last Borns Like To Laugh

How can two or three children in the same family... Read More

Wholism and Materialism

Perhaps I could make a lot of money by founding... Read More

Cooking With Your Kids Helps Develop Motor Skills for Preschoolers

Did you know that cooking with your kids is a... Read More

Diaper Bags for Dads - Papas Got a Brand New Bag

Today's dads are more hands-on than ever before and their... Read More