Parenting Your Teenager: How to Build Trust

``Mom, can I go to the mall with my friend Jenny?''

``No, not after you came home late last night.''

``Well, everyone else gets to.''

``I don't care what everybody else gets to do; you can't.''

``You just don't trust me.''

``You've got to earn it.''

``I have.''

``No, you haven't.''

``Have, too.''

``Have not.''

SLAM! Etc.

If the above conversation sounds familiar, you're probably the parent of a teen-ager.

I especially like the ``everybody else gets to do it'' line. My parents' response was, ``If everyone else stood on their heads in the middle of the street at 3 a.m. in their underwear, would you?'' I probably would have.

I never understood what all that meant, but I do know that raising teen-agers can be an extremely challenging task. I have tremendous respect for the parents of the teens I work with in my practice.

Now don't get me wrong. Most teen-agers are OK people. The vast majority seem to stay out of the juvenile-justice system and eventually become adults.

It's just that most of the teen-agers I've worked with are 16 going on 26 and 16 going on 6, all at the same time.

Some families seem to go through the teen years with little or no struggle. Many others find these years one of the most challenging and, at times, maddening stages of family life.

Parents of teen-agers really try hard to navigate these difficult waters.

Trust or Bust

One of the areas that seems to be most difficult for them has to do with trust. Let's take a closer look at how trust operates in families with teen-agers, how it sometimes gets damaged and how it can be built back.

A few families seem to go along and never have any problems with, or damage done to, the trust between parents and kids. Others can really struggle with this issue.

Families sometimes get stuck because the parents see trust as an either/or situation. The teen lies, breaks curfew, experiments with drugs or does something that's damaging to trust. The parents feel they have lost all trust in their teen.

The problem, the sticking point, is: How do you rebuild trust from nothing? How can kids earn trust back?

The Way Back to Trust

Viewing trust as a matter of degree can help create a way back to a trusting relationship.

The first step is to think of a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the least amount of trust, 10 the most. Let's say the teen has broken curfew by a few hours. Let's say that coming home late reduces the trust level from a 9 down to a 3. That's a gap of 6 trust levels.

Creating a plan to get back to a high trust level will be difficult if you try to go from a 3 to a 9 all at once. It's just too big a leap.

The next step is to talk about and agree on what changes and/or behaviors need to occur to go from a 3 to a 4, then from a 4 to a 5, a 5 to a 6 and so on.

In this way, several positive structures are set up: The parents have a way of monitoring their teen's progress and the teen has something to work toward. In addition, there's a built-in incentive for the teen.

In many families, trust is like a video game at the mall. In the video arcade, the more tokens you have, the more you can play. In much the same way, in families, the more trust you have, the more you can do.

At this stage, many parents will ask, ``How do I know things are really different, that I'm not getting fooled?''

That's an excellent question, and the best answer I can offer is: Simply watch and see if the behavior matches the words.

If it does, you're on the right track.

If the behavior doesn't match the words, then you know someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for 100's of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his free weekly internet newsletter "ParentingYourTeenager."

---

Kids Party Etiquette for Parents

Ever feel like you're out of the loop when it... Read More

Your Checking Account

Checking accounts are an absolute necessity these days. You can... Read More

Goal Setting for Kids

Goal setting is essential for building a successful life. However,... Read More

Water Hazards For Young Children

Unfortunately each year many young children drown in swimming pools,... Read More

Three Tips to Get Children with Sleeping Problems Asleep

According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies... Read More

A Chart for Everything

For every season, check, check, check, There is a chart,... Read More

How To Develop Your Babys Brain

Have you ever wondered why toys for babies tend to... Read More

What is Hyperactivity in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?

Most of the ADHD kids that are seen in a... Read More

How Fathers Can Step Up to Fathering

When our oldest son was 2, my wife went out... Read More

Teaching Children Good Manners

Last week in my newsletter, I mentioned that... Read More

What Do You Do When Your Child is Smarter than You?

We adopted our first child when he was three months... Read More

Advantages of Using a Board Certified Pediatrician

When a child is born, a new number is added... Read More

Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson Never Went To Public School

Most of our Founding Fathers, including Ben Franklin, Sam Adams,... Read More

Are You Too Busy for Your Kids?

In his recent newsletter "Happy Kids", parenting expert Michael Grose... Read More

Grandparents! Help Your Grandkids Do Math!

This may come as a surprise.But despite all the advances... Read More

Guilty of Not Following Her Heart

Karen, a single never-married thirty-year old attorney has a four-year... Read More

Speaking on Behalf of Our Children: Stop Blaming the Victims

How many times have you flipped through the pages of... Read More

7 Things To Teach Your Kids About Money

Did you know that many people retire broke?It's true. After... Read More

Gifts From The Heart: Moms Remember...

To the untrained eye, it might look like a piece... Read More

Assume Personal Responsibility? Who, Me?

As thinking, acting human beings we have the ability to... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Self-Reliance and Potential

Self-reliance and potential are two very important values that I'd... Read More

Your Company Vehicle is a Portable Bill Board; A word of advice on children passengers

Child Safety Restraints and children in work vehiclesIf you take... Read More

They Call it Puppy Love

My son is 6 yrs old. He came home the... Read More

Send the Kids Outside!

Think back to your own childhood. Chances are, some of... Read More

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids

Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this... Read More

Pet Loss Can Be Just As Devastating!

'And all because of a damned cat! It's only a... Read More

Mom vs. Dad: Navigating Parenting Differences With All Good Intentions

Let's face it: raising children can be quite the adventure.... Read More

ADHD: A Dialogue With a Non-Believer, Part Five

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

7 Ways to Survive the Start of the School Year

It happens every year. Just when you are settled in... Read More

Single Parents: Give Yourselves Credit

Single parents are not often thought of as good parents.I... Read More

Sibling Fighting - Reduce Sibling Rivalry by NOT Keeping Score

Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon... Read More

Public Schools Can Waste 12 Years of Your Child?s Life

For over fifty years, public-school officials and politicians have tried... Read More

Featured Article on Parenting: The Power of Belonging

Search for Assurance: The Power of BelongingThe job hunt is... Read More