Parenting Your Teenager: Driving and Having a Car is a Privilege, Not a Right

Q. My teenage son is turning 16 early next year and he's already lobbying us for a new car. He says all his friends are getting new cars, that he deserves one because it's his right when he turns 16, and he won't drive what he calls a POS car. Do you think he is trying to manipulate us, and what do you think we should do? And since he won't tell us what a POS car is, do you know?

A. What to do depends on what you want to accomplish.

If you want to teach your son that he can pester and manipulate you into giving him his way, then by all means get him a new car.

I know that's not what you want to teach him though.

What you have is an excellent opportunity to teach some important life lessons.

But first, let's get that POS question out of the way. POS stands for "piece of s---" and is just another one of your son's tools in his manipulation bag.

Rwo Important Life Privileges

There are at least two important principles to teach in this situation.

The first is the vast difference between rights and privileges.

Your son believes that getting a new car is his right as a 16-year-old. It's not. In fact, turning 16 does not even entitle you to a driver's license. It does make you eligible for the privilege of getting a driver's license.

Fostering the belief that privileges are in fact rights leads to a raging sense of entitlement.

Fostering a belief in privileges leads to a rare sense of ownership, appreciation and perhaps even stewardship, which is taking good care of what you have.

The second principle is the sometimes hazy difference between wants and needs.

A need is a "must have" for survival, or to accomplish something important. A want is something you would like to have but can live without.

Your son might need a car to get safely from place A to place B and you may also want to stop chauffeuring him. He may want a new car, but he does not need one. Even if you can afford to give him a new car, I think that would do him more harm than good.

Sit down with your son and tell him that you have discovered what a POS car is and assure him you have no intention of getting him one.

Similarly, you have no intention of getting him a new car either. Briefly - and I mean short and sweet briefly - explain the difference between rights and privileges and wants and needs.

Then tell him that you will be glad to help him find a Point A-to-Point B car.

If he wants anything better, tell him that for each dollar that he saves over the price of a basic Point A-to-Point B car, you will match it.

He will not walk away from this conversation jumping for joy.

He will walk away with the beginning of some very important life lessons, which is really the best 16th birthday present you could get him.

Leading parenting expert Jeff Herring is a teen and family therapist, parenting coach, speaker and syndicated parenting and relationship columnist. Jeff invites you to visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for 100's of tips and tools for parenting through the teenage years. You can also subscribe to his free weekly internet newsletter "ParentingYourTeenager."

---

Child Abuse - Survey & Comments

Beyond cases reported to authorities, little knowledge exists on the... Read More

Childrens Books And Educational Toys - Can They Still Be Fun And Have Educational Value

It was no contest. Given a choice between a ball... Read More

Tips for Parents of Teenagers: Dont Just Survive - Thrive!

What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research... Read More

Successful Treatment Planning for Attention Deficit Disorder - ADD ADHD

O.K. So now you have taken the step of having... Read More

Birth of a Parent

So you're pregnant. Congratulations! Your life is about to change... Read More

A Minute Can Turn into Hours for the Child of a Work-at-Home Mom

In theory, working at home is an ideal situation. But... Read More

The POWER of Your Words

Words are truly powerful things. They are something that becomes... Read More

A Mothers Love

Once upon a time there was a beautiful bird whose... Read More

Teaching Preschool Color and Shapes with Family Games

My kids just can't get enough of playing games with... Read More

Its a Sick World

It's no joy to be sick. It's even less joy... Read More

Avoid Weight Problems In Children

Although, not a well publicized statistic, childhood obesity has more... Read More

God Dont Like Rich People

I will never forget the day that my daughter's sixth... Read More

Create a Story Book with Your Child

A fun way to build your child's imaginationWriting is still... Read More

The 411 on Natural Colic Remedies

Any parent whose baby has suffered from colic can tell... Read More

A Child Can Make a Difference

Sometimes dreams really can come true! May 8th - 11th,... Read More

How Being a Mom Makes You a Better Professional

"Becoming a parent can make you a better worker," New... Read More

Teaching Reading: Part One

One of the biggest milestones in our children's education is... Read More

Coping With Colic

Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike,... Read More

Road Trip with Kids

Boredom, limited space and overflowing energy are a source of... Read More

Teenagers Taking Risks

It can be hard being a parent with a teen... Read More

Back to School Success Tips

Q. With the school year just beginning, what can we... Read More

Helping Your Child Cope With A Long-Term Illness

All children will likely have many different health problems during... Read More

Keeping Kids Safe on the Internet

The biggest trick some child predators' are using these days... Read More

Teenagers and Stress: What Parents Can Do to Help

More and more parents are expressing their concerns about how... Read More

Naming Your Baby Is Part of The Challenge of Being a Parent

Baby names are as diverse as the people to whom... Read More

Would You Know if Your Child Were Being Bullied? 4 Tips to Keep Them From Becoming a Victim

The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More

Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly

It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining... Read More

What To Do With A 6 Year Old Smart Mouth Know It All

Just the other day, I was talking to some other... Read More

What Do You Teach Your Children About Money?

Whether we realize it or not we teach our children... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Courage

Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Love

I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More

Assertiveness: Key to Better Parenting

I have always been aware of my number one weakness:... Read More

Develop Your Childs Critical Thinking Skills

1. Encourage Questions.Don't answer every question, instead ask what do... Read More