Raising A High Maintenance Child

Do you have a high maintenance child?

"Thank goodness my second child wasn't born first. I would have stopped at one child if he was my first," said a mother at a recent parenting seminar.

Many parents can relate to this sentiment. Nature has a way of evening out the score for parents. If you have an easy first born then hang on to your hat because chances are the second or third or fourth born will bring you back to reality.

Most families have one child who takes up more of a parent's time, energy and mindspace than others. These high maintenance children have all sorts of misbehaviours to keep their parents busy or in their service. They may whinge or whine to get their own way. They may interrupt you just when you have started a conversation or settled down for a chat on the telephone. They may even embarrass you in front of your friends or begin to pull the cat's tail just as you settle to breastfeed a younger sibling. They can be tearful, self-indulgent, argumentative, bossy and just plain stubborn.

And what's worse, they are often only high maintenance kids for their parents. Take them to creche', pre school or school and the demands for attention reduce dramatically. "How was she today?" you ask as you pick up your child at the end of the day. You feel crest-fallen when the adult in charge replies, "Not a problem. She was great!" But worse, you know when you get home the demands on your time and attention will begin and they won't cease until she (or you) falls asleep.

High maintenance kids are demanding, exasperating and exhausting. They also take use up your time and energy that you would like to devote to your other children. You would love to spend more time with Perfect Pete but Turbo Terry, Argumentative Aaron or Whining Willemina just keep doing those things that they do so well.

So what's the solution? What is the cure? That's a hard one. There is no magic pill for parents. Yes, some children who are diagnosed with ADHD are given a pill regularly in the form of ritolin. These little pills have become very popular over the last decade as the number of children diagnosed with ADHD has increased dramatically. Only recently have we as a community begun to question the wisdom of keeping up a supply of this drug to children. None of my children have had ADHD so I would not dare to point a finger at any parent who must live with a child with full-blown, A grade ADHD. I take my hat off to your dedication and persistence as you must develop this if you are to live with such a child.

But most high maintenance child don't fall into this category. Many just need to be weaned off their parent's attention. We become so adept at responding to these kids' misbehaviours that attending to them becomes habitual. So try breaking the habit of giving attention when they misbehave. Now that's hard. When they want your attention do something completely different. But be ready for their attention-seeking stuff to escalate. It always does. Ignore the whining and it will increase in volume. Ignore a child's constant interruptions while you are on the telephone and be prepared for an ear-splitting shriek to contend with or even a mess to clean up. It is parents who generally experience the consequences of a high maintenance's child's behaviour. That is the way of high maintenance children.

But you have to change your own way of reacting so your child doesn't get his jollies from keeping you busy with him or her. Most parents never do this because the reactionary habit is ingrained and the behaviour will escalate so we give up in the face of increased misbehaviour. Misbehaviour will generally get worse before it gets better. It is the norm when dealing with high maintenance children. That's why they are such hard work to raise. Alternatively, you can keep giving them heaps of B-grade attention when they are less than perfect and my hunch they will still grow up to be well-adjusted adults. It is just you as a parent who has a hard time of it in the meantime.

Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au

---

Bullies

Bullies are an ugly but very real part of childhood.... Read More

Cloning; is it for you?

What would it be like to have a clone? What... Read More

How to Get a Good Diagnosis to See If Your Child Has ADHD

Your child's teacher says that you need to find out... Read More

Got To, Get To ? Change The Way Your Family Thinks

I recently heard a story that has literally changed the... Read More

Pick Your Fights With Your Teenager Wisely

I know as a single parent or even with 2... Read More

Get Down (On The Floor!) And Play With Your Children

When was the last time you and your kids rolled... Read More

Banishing Bedtime Blues

"My son won't go to bed at night without a... Read More

Power Foods for a Powerful School Lunch

There isn't a school day that goes by that I... Read More

Your Job as a Role Model

A certain educator was once asked at what point should... Read More

The Importance of Mothers

Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More

5 Simple Steps Guaranteed To Allow You To Spend More Time With Your Children This Summer

Look around: Your kids are counting sleeps until the last... Read More

Family Meals: When Dinner Schedules Dont Match

Mealtimes together deserve an important place in any family. Around... Read More

Child ADHD - Deciding Where to Draw the Line

The wonderful adaptability of children in dealing with the challenges... Read More

The Legend and Charm of The Tooth Fairy

The legend and myth of the Tooth Fairy is a... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: What Parents Say About Teens

What is hard for parentsLetting them learn from their mistakes.Trying... Read More

Homes for Troubled Teens: Therapeutic and Residential

For troubled teens who are struggling with drug abuse, depression... Read More

How to Create an Attitude of Cooperation

Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant for... Read More

Parents Role in Helping with Car Wash Fundraisers

As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More

Quality Time with Your Teen

It's sometimes difficult to find ways to be involved with... Read More

Childhood Obesity & Parents Healthy Food Confusion

Many parents struggle to know which foods are healthy for... Read More

Joining a Gang: How to Help Kids Prevent it, How to Tell if Theyve Joined One, How to Help Them Out

While youth gangs are nothing new -- they've been traced... Read More

10 keys to Developing Your Childs Genius

Would you like your child to be the best that... Read More

Ready, Aim, Achieve! - Become An On-purpose Family Through Goal Setting

Successful families don't just happen. They take time, talent and... Read More

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What Do We Mean by Attention Anyway?

When we talk about attention, we are talking about two... Read More

A Little Love, Please?

Article based on a friend's experienceI just wanted to share... Read More

Reincarnation: Sacred Children Series - 1 of 3

Many years ago, my children were raised on the various... Read More

Teenagers and Trouble - How Parents Can Keep their Teens Out of Trouble

Teenagers are a work-in-progress, and parenting teenagers can be tricky... Read More

Diet Sodas And How They Can Affect Kids

Many of us have grown up drinking caffeinated diet sodas... Read More

Books Around the House Make A Difference in Literacy Rates

We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More

Why Me?

Why Me?"We should certainly count our blessings, but we should... Read More

Small Children, Languages and Myths

Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More

Are You Reading to Your Kids?

Over a number of years there have been issues raised... Read More

Homeschooling ? Can I Do It?

Many parents would like to homeschool their children but are... Read More