Dads, Handle your Kids Mistakes

One of the most difficult parts of being a father is learning to accept your children's mistakes. It certainly can be easy to be loving, supportive, and helpful when your children are mistake-free, but most fathers who are paying attention don't find too many mistake-free periods of their

children's lives.

Let's be clear about our kids and their mistakes. There aren't too many kids who get up in the morning, rub their hands together and say," I wonder how I can screw up today and really bother my dad!" Kids don't enjoy or want to make mistakes, it's just one of the ways that they learn about the world.

Kids usually try to do their best; but they're doing their best considering the resources they have at the time. Sometimes they're tired, sometimes they're easily distracted, and sometimes they're strong-willed, but they generally do the best they can. It's quite easy for us to unfairly judge them according to their best efforts in the past.

When our kids make mistakes, we have choices to make. Fathers can either make choices that help to create kids who are defensive and who lie to them ?or they can make choices that help to create kids who can learn from their mistakes and improve upon them.

Kids who fear punishment or the loss of love in response to their mistakes learn to hide their mistakes. These children live in two different places--one place where they have the love and support of their father (parents), and another where they feel that if their mistakes were discovered, they would be undeserving of that love. It's hard for these kids to fully accept their parents' love and support even when it is expressed. It's also difficult for these kids to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be fearful of failing.

These are some ideas for fathers who are committed to helping create kids who can learn from their mistakes, and who are not afraid of making a few:

Absolutely accept the notion that your kids are doing their best, and that they'll learn faster about their mistakes if they are in an environment that accepts mistakes.

Understand that your difficulty with your kids' mistakes is in fact a reflection of your difficulty dealing with your own mistakes; be aware of this and deal with your own issues first.

Know the shaming messages that we can all give so easily to our kids--messages that can do a lot of damage to them and help them to feel unworthy. Here's a few of them:

- How could you have done that?

- You don't listen to me!

- You can do better than that!

- What's the matter with you?

Keep providing your kids with learning experiences, but at the same time structure their environment so they can't make too many mistakes (having expensive glassware around the house where children might break it is not their fault).

Provide a great model for your children by the way you react to making mistakes: do you get defensive and stretch the truth, or do you own the mistake and learn something from it? Create a culture that's based on learning from mistakes.

We only have one chance to show our kids the patience and discipline necessary to allow them to learn from the mistakes that we've all made. Your opportunity to improve just started now; give your kids the room that they need and deserve.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.

---

Breastfeeding, Its My Right

My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More

14 Romantic Time-Outs for Parents

Here are fourteen spontaneous time-outs, specially designed to help you... Read More

Using Pocket-money To Promote Independence In Kids

In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Of Course You Can Search Your Teens Room

Q. We recently caught our son smoking pot, and we... Read More

ADHD: Some Survival Strategies for Parents

In our last issue we posted some of our suggested... Read More

Teaching Reading: Part One

One of the biggest milestones in our children's education is... Read More

The Reticular Activating System, and its Role in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

In our last article about the neurology of ADHD we... Read More

A Little Love, Please?

Article based on a friend's experienceI just wanted to share... Read More

Parenting Univeristy: Potty Training 101

When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's... Read More

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Family decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part... Read More

Choosing the Perfect Jogging Stroller

When choosing the perfect jogging stroller, a very important question... Read More

How Effective Are Ritalin and Dexedrine in Treating the Symptoms of ADHD?

Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More

The Muffed Dance

Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More

The Free Ride In Public Schools

To protect children's self-esteem or deflect complaints by parents, many... Read More

Dinner Table Drama

It has been a long day. Home from work, you... Read More

Influencing Adolescents - Guided Democracy

You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You... Read More

Simple Indulgences for September

As the kids go back to school, you can go... Read More

Pregnancy and Excercising - 6 Reasons to Excercise During Pregnancy

Everyone knows that exercise is good for your health. Exercising... Read More

The Personality of a Virgo Child

Your Virgo Baby..August 23 - September 22Virgo children are honest... Read More

The Legend and Charm of The Tooth Fairy

The legend and myth of the Tooth Fairy is a... Read More

A Guide To Help You Teach Your Children Positve Self-Image Through Fitness

Raising a pre-teen or teenage daughter (or son) is not... Read More

Why Me?

Why Me?"We should certainly count our blessings, but we should... Read More

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: What is Impulsivity?

Impulsivity is one of the hallmarks of people with Attention... Read More

Non-Compliance in Your Children, Some Tips for Parents

Non-compliance is the family therapist's big word for your child... Read More

While You Have the Time, Take the Time

Here in Kansas, where we live, the leaves are turning... Read More

Creating a Memorable Travel Journal Using A Stuffed Animal

You may remember The Red Couch Project, a book by... Read More

A New Idea For Kids Party Parties: Hiring A Caricaturist Can Make Your Kids Party A Real Blast!

There's a new trend for party entertainment. It seems as... Read More

Three Sure-Fire Ways to Teach Your Child About Safety

Levels of SafetyBy teaching our children there are different levels... Read More

My Teenaged Parents

Frankly, as a single parent of young children, I struggled.... Read More

Medications: Addressing Parental Fears and Concerns

Recently, a parent came to me, conflicted over whether to... Read More

Children?s Birthday Party Planning: When and When Not to Have a Big Party

Age 1: Invite only family members and close friends only... Read More

How To Help Your Child Learn

Just as every snowflake is unique, so is every child.... Read More

Potty Training ?To Train or Not to Train?

I have always found the notion of toilet training a... Read More