Dealing with Lying: The Dos and Donts

Jason Roberts listened to his son's explanation of the missing cookies and then called him a liar. Brenda Taylor thought her three-year-old's lies were cute, so she ignored them. Yee Chen told her daughter that if she told the truth this time, she would let it go.

While all of these parents love their children and want them to develop truth telling as a virtue, each violated one of the major do's and don'ts of dealing with lying. Read on to find out how.

1. Do understand that all children lie. Dogs bark. Cats meow. And children lie. Your neighbors' children lie. Your sister's children lie. And yes, your own children lie.

2. Don't confuse exaggeration with lying. Young children often exaggerate. Embellished stories are more a sign of a creative imagination than of a person who does not tell the truth. Pre-schoolers are spontaneous and impulsive with their explanations and stories. Don't confuse this with lying.

3. Don't label your child verbally or mentally brand your child as a liar. A liar is something one is - a part of one's being. Telling a lie is a behavior one does once in awhile. An occasional lie does not make your child a liar. It is a behavior your child chose, not a permanent part of his or her essence.

4. Don't ask questions that set your child up to lie. If the last piece of cake is gone and your daughter has cake crumbs on her face, don't ask if she ate the cake. That's laying a trap, expecting her to lie. Say instead, "I'm disappointed that you ate the cake. There will be no more snacks today."

5. Do be honest. If you're unsure whether or not your child broke the dish, say, "That doesn't sound like the truth to me," or, "I can't think of another way it could have happened." In this way you refrain from accusing your child and simply share your thoughts about the situation from your perspective.

6. Don't jump immediately to the conclusion that your child is lying as he or she relates a story. Your child's perspective on a situation may be different from yours. Your child may be seeing an event from one narrow point of view. Although your child's viewpoint may be markedly different from yours, that doesn't mean that he or he is lying.

7. Do recognize that a child who lies frequently is often struggling with a low self-esteem. This child has problems with identity and self-worth. In such a case, lying is a strategy to protect the self from feelings of not being good enough. Lying is the symptom, not the problem.

8. Do help your child be successful. Even the child who seems to lie frequently is looking for a chance and a way to be successful. If the child is feeling successful, he or she will feel less need to lie.

9. Don't ignore lying. The lies as well as the problems that underlie them will get bigger if lying is left unattended. Since lying is often about needing attention, a child who tells lies always has something to say, whether his or her comments are accurate or not. If little lies do not get your attention, do not be surprised if the lies increase in size and intensity.

10. Do recognize a lie as a call for help. Your child is attempting to communicate. He or she is saying, "Help me be successful, feel good about myself, gain a sense of belonging, and/or receive attention." Hear the words that lie beneath the lie.

11. Do reduce the power struggle over lying by saying, "I don't believe you" rather than "You're lying." When you accuse children of lying by saying, "You're a liar" or "You're lying," it's easy for them to argue that they were telling the truth. They can't argue, however, with your beliefs. "I don't believe you" is about you and what you believe.

12. Don't try to rationalize with your child as a way to deal with the lies. Lies aren't always rational, and the child who engages in lying is not in a rational frame of mind. You might understand rational, logical thinking at this point. Your child will not.

13. Do implement consequences that connect responsibilities to opportunities. "If you choose to lie about what you were doing on the Internet, you choose to lose that responsibility for a week." "When you choose not to tell the truth about what you prepared for dinner, you lose my trust and the opportunity to prepare your own dinner."

14. Do follow through on the consequences of lying. If your child has lost his or her bicycle opportunities for two days, make sure the two days is two days.

15. Don't make rules that will punish future lying or use threats to try to stop a child from lying. When you threaten a child with, "If you lie one more time . . ," the child hears, "I expect you to do that one more time."

16. Don't promise your child that if he or she tells the truth, the consequence will be lighter. This is a form of plea bargaining that confuses children. Hold your child accountable for his or her behavior (for example, breaking a window) as well as for the lie that attempted to cover it up. Refuse to be distracted from the original behavior.

17. Don't assume that everything your child says is a lie. If you always treat your child's words as lies, why should your child ever want to tell the truth? What incentive exists for truth telling if you're going to think what your child says is a lie anyway?

18. Do realize that transforming lying behavior takes time. Look for improvement in the behavior rather than for a complete elimination of it. As the child gains self-confidence, the reasons for lying diminish. As your child recognizes that he or she is telling fewer lies, your child will feel better about himself or herself, and the lying will decrease even more.

Reproduced with permission from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthy E-zine, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. All rights reserved worldwide.

Co-author: Thomas Haller

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They are the co-authors of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose."

Chick Moorman is a veteran educator who has invested more than 40 years working with children, parents, and teachers. More than 300,000 participants have attended his lectures.

Thomas Haller is a preeminent family and couples therapist. His private psychotherapy practice has specialized in couples and their families for over 25 years. Tom is a highly sought-after speaker on the topics of parenting and coupling. He is the director of the Healing Minds Institute.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are on a mission to empower parents, teachers, and care-givers so they can in turn empower the children they love and serve. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller's monthly E-zine on Response-Able Parenting, go to http://chickmoorman.com

---

Bad Company

Here we will come to know who are the most... Read More

What Do Chinese Water Torture and Arguing with Children Have in Common?

Imagine yourself lying flat on your back, totally strapped down... Read More

Real Monsters Under Your Bed

There may really be a real monster under your kidâ??s... Read More

How Two Quarelling Kids Helped Invent the Better Behavior Wheel

When David was nine and Laura was twelve, the battles... Read More

The Ten Things That Successful Parents Do

1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don't... Read More

The Top 5 Reasons Why Unwed-Parents Must Establish Paternity

"It takes a village to raise a child" is more... Read More

Let Your Children Name the New Baby

Choosing a baby name is an important job, so make... Read More

The Post-Holiday Blues In Stepfamilies

In stepfamilies, big holiday expectations can lead to big disappointment--and... Read More

How To Help Your Child Learn

Just as every snowflake is unique, so is every child.... Read More

Learning Responsibility is a Lifelong Process

Learning responsibility is an ever widening and lifelong process.As thinking,... Read More

7 Easy Ideas for Organizing Kids Artwork

In school, kids are encouraged to create, draw, color, paint... Read More

Top 50 Father Quotations

"The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and... Read More

Teach Your Children How To Resolve Conflict Without Using Anger Or Power

Teaching kids to deal with conflict effectively and peacefully is... Read More

Using Cloth Nappies

We all know that using cloth nappies is best for... Read More

A New Dad To Be? Deer in the headlights?

Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More

How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: The Teenager and the Gorilla

Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a... Read More

Considering Daycare? Consider the Pros and Cons

When you're a parent it's a difficult decision to know... Read More

Missing The Bus

As a step daughter and step grand daughter, I followed... Read More

If at First They Dont Succeed - What a Great Opportunity!

When kids try new things, sometimes it's a 'fit' and... Read More

Teaching Reading : Part Two

We know that you want your little guy or gal... Read More

What Might Surprise You About Childhood Obesity

The formula is pretty straightforward: energy in/energy out. This is... Read More

10 Signs That Your Teen Is Using Drugs

Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17... Read More

Fraternal Twin Parenting Concerns

Identity and Your Fraternal TwinFor the most part, throughout this... Read More

Back to School Success Tips

Q. With the school year just beginning, what can we... Read More

A Good Preschool Idea

The successful preschool idea behind many successful preschool learning centers... Read More

Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy? How Character Building Charts Keep You Sane

Who lives in your house? Are they driving you "crazy?"... Read More

Grandparents --- Homeschool Your Grandchildren and Feel Younger

Grandparents, what better way to stay close to your grown... Read More

Exams Cause Stress For Parents Too

When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More

Anti Scooter Media Frenzy

An estimated five million scooters will be sold this year... Read More

The Parent Teen Relationship: How Effective is Yours?

It was the homework that did it. Each night became... Read More

Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) for Teen Drivers

Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting... Read More

Top 5 Characteristics of Good Leadership to Instill in Our Home School Children

I am sure that this list can be jogged and... Read More