Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Family decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part of the decision-making process. Emotions play an important part in this activity.

Parents and children each use emotions to steer decisions favorable way to themselves. Using emotions to influence decisions develops naturally.

The use of emotions becomes harmful when they are used as threats to control or intimidate others. Emotionally charged threats and intimidation leaves their victims feeling helpless. Victims of emotional blackmail often give in, believing they have no other options.

Emotional blackmail occurs across ages. Parents use it on children, children use it on parents and even grandparents often enter the picture with their opinions. One parent may even use it on the other parent.

Threats often show up as emotion or behavior-based. Emotional threats are those where the blackmailer uses an emotional state to control the victim. This commonly occurs through rage, screaming, crying, whining or complaining.

Through making the situation uncomfortable enough, they force the victim to do something. When this occurs in public places, embarrassment adds pressure to yield. After several episodes of emotional threats, the victim often gives in to avoid the very possibility of another scene. The very threat of emotional discomfort or blackmail creates pressure to give in.

Behavioral blackmail is where potential actions are used to intimidate. These include threats of violence, suicide, running away, disowning and even calling Children's Protective Services. The perpetrators may intensify the threats if the victim 'tells anyone' about the initial threat. Blackmailers may also threaten to go public with dirty laundry to force the victims into obedience.

By using such threats, the blackmailer gets their way. Rarely does the blackmailer consider the effects the threats have on other members of the family. The effect of repeated threats creates a hostage situation within the home.

Threats also occur in the form of withholding. The blackmailer threatens to withhold love, attention, money or dignity. These things are held out like a carrot to entice the family to do things their way. The phrase "it's my way or the highway" is a common expression of this behavior.

In healthy families, decisions are made through negotiation, clearly defined rules and a just authority structure. Although pleasing every member of the family in the decision-making process rarely occurs, parents can listen to each person's input before making the final decision. Discussion allows issues to be "out in the open" rather than someone's will imposed on the family. Such discussion also reduces the feeling of being a hostage.

Displeasure can be expressed in ways without using emotional blackmail. When rules and expectations are clear, the need for manipulation is lessened. When the authority structure is clear and just, family members develop trust in the decisions that are made.

About The Author

Jeffrey D. Murrah is The Results-Oriented Therapist specializing in marriage and family conflicts. Visit www.RestoreTheFamily.com to sign up for his free newsletter.

jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com

---

Keeping Kids Safe on the Internet

The biggest trick some child predators' are using these days... Read More

Where to Look for Affordable Baby Clothes

Once the newness has worn off a little, you will... Read More

Parents Role in Helping with Car Wash Fundraisers

As a parent you will be asked to assist with... Read More

Misplaced Passion

"Before every action, ask yourself: Will this bring more monkeys... Read More

Are Public Schools Anti-Parent?

Some public schools try to turn children against their parents... Read More

Maximizing Your ADHD Childs Performance in School.

As a parent there are lots of things that you... Read More

Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) for Teen Drivers

Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting... Read More

Effects of Jealousy on Childs Personality

Dear friends here we will charge up our mind with... Read More

Would You Know if Your Child Were Being Bullied? 4 Tips to Keep Them From Becoming a Victim

The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More

Diapers: Do You Choose Disposable Or Reusable?

Diapers..Changing a dirty diaper is not the best part of... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: The Teenager and the Gorilla

Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a... Read More

Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce

Every year over one million parents have to talk to... Read More

Child Communication Skill: Do You Really Know What Your Child Is Saying To You?

Here's the scene of communication with your child: your three-year-old... Read More

Preventing Obesity in Young Children

Do you have a young child whose weight or eating... Read More

Is Your Discipline Damaging the Spirit of the Child?

If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More

Developing a Fantastic Relationship with Your Child

Here's a scene: A parent "might suddenly grab a happliy... Read More

Parenting: The Road I Chose

Tripping over the shoes and toys that seem to clutter... Read More

Diaper Bags for Dads - Papas Got a Brand New Bag

Today's dads are more hands-on than ever before and their... Read More

You Make Me Sick And Other Things Parents Say in Anger

Maryann is so focused she's blind. She's slipped over the... Read More

Adolescence - Clues and Advice

Be sure to respect the intellectual changes that mark adolescence.... Read More

Raise Your Child to Be a Leader Not a Follower

Your child's leadership skills begin at the family dinner table.... Read More

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce?

Why do some children still do best after divorce and... Read More

Children?s Birthday Party Planning: When and When Not to Have a Big Party

Age 1: Invite only family members and close friends only... Read More

How To Teach Children Loyalty and Dependability

Individualism is a common thing in today's modern society. Many... Read More

Some Thoughts on Counseling Goals for ADHD

What should the goals for counseling be when the patient... Read More

What Do You Do When Your Child is Smarter than You?

We adopted our first child when he was three months... Read More

Strengths and Weaknesses

All too often, children with learning disabilities are seen through... Read More

Toxic Chemicals, Are Your Children Being Exposed?

You do what you can to keep your little ones... Read More

Create Your Dream Family

There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More

Picky Eater Syndrome

'Picky Eater' is a label coined to describe the phenomenon... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Late vs. Too Late, and 5 More Sure Fire Tips

Late vs. Too LateEvery now and then, I'll hear a... Read More

Helping Your Child Cope With A Long-Term Illness

All children will likely have many different health problems during... Read More

Whats Mine Is Mine

You are at the grocery store with your daughter and... Read More