Influencing Adolescents - Guided Democracy

You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You need to be able to stand back a little, hold your tongue and wait your turn to speak.

Recently, Sam my seventeen year old son, said "No way" to our requests to wear some decent clothes to an upcoming on-stage event. Sam was chosen to read a piece of his written work on stage in front of 200 people in a plush venue the coming Friday night.

Our suggestions to wear a decent set of threads as opposed to the thread-bare, bum hanging out of his pants attire that was his norm was met with defiance. His is jutting jaw and arms folded he said determinedly, "No way, I am dressing for me not for you! I want to feel comfortable on stage, and I won't feel comfortable dressed like a dork."

My experience dealing with him lead to me to believe that meeting him head-on was like waving a red rag to a bull, and he would have only stood his ground and not shifted on principle. I wanted him to feel comfortable with his clothing but also that he needed to dress according to the dictates of the situation. We wanted him to be himself, just a souped-up version of himself for that night.

It was time to instil a few doubts and chip away a little at his suit of defensive armour. I said, "Maybe you won't feel comfortable if the other kids are wearing good clothes and you're not. It can be awful being the odd one out. A bit like the only one wearing fancy dress at a party" He didn't reply but I could see by the look on his face that I had given him something to ponder. Time for a retreat and allow him some time to chew it over.

That evening he brought the matter up to his mother and I. Sue suggested some clothes he might wear. "Why not wear your grey pants, your good black shoes and a shirt?" "No way, not my black shoes, no way," he replied.

"Okay, but if you wear your check shirt then you are making a real fashion statement."

"I could wear my check shirt?"

"Yes, of course. I wouldn't want you to look like a dork on stage."

My wife then left him to think on this. It was obvious that he was thinking, pondering and getting used to the idea of wearing decent clothes and the option we suggested was not such a bad one. We wanted him to think that his choice of clothes was his decision. This is guided democracy at work

On the night of the reading he appeared with freshly pressed grey pants that covered his boxer shorts, black leather shoes and a very smart check shirt. With hair jelled and pointy he scrubbed up well. He looked like we hoped he would look ? like a seventeen year old who had made the effort to bridge the gap between the more conservative adult world and his own adolescent world, at least for a night.

"How do I look? Do you like my clothes?"

His mother threw a huge smile his way, hugged him tight and said, "You look very handsome Sam. Can I go out with you tonight?"

An awkward smile lit up his face and I swear I saw him grow a few centimetres in that instant.

He held out his arm and said, "Mum you're on. Let's go."

As he walked out the door with an air of confidence I knew that we had made the right decision to push him to dress appropriately. I also knew that it had to be his decision to wear decent clothes ? he just needed to be given some time and a few things to think about in the meantime.

Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.

For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.

---

Marriages May End But Families Are Forever

It was at that time when our marriage was falling... Read More

How to Get Your Children Brand Free

Those of you that have children know what an excursion... Read More

No Invitation Needed: Sacred Children Series - 3 of 3

I had my first two children on either side of... Read More

The POWER of Your Words

Words are truly powerful things. They are something that becomes... Read More

Back to School

It is hard to believe that summer is coming to... Read More

Why have children? DINCs, This is For You!

First there were Yuppies (Young Urban Professionals). Then came the... Read More

Old Wives Tales and Other Things That Just Might Help with ADHD

Here are some tips that I have picked up from... Read More

Discipline on My Mind

I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More

Ten Ways To Become Your Teenagers Best Friend

Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's... Read More

Parents/Teens and Money ? 5 Ideas for Keeping the Peace

Children and teenagers are relentlessly bombarded with merchandise that entices.... Read More

School Days - Top 10 Tips for Establishing a Good Routine

Teachers know that children thrive in an environment with routines,... Read More

The Reticular Activating System, and its Role in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

In our last article about the neurology of ADHD we... Read More

Helpful Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent

Few things are more completely enjoyable than becoming a grandparent.... Read More

Trip, Trip, Trip... Here Is Your Night Visitor Again!

Night Visits From Your ChildIn the middle of the night... Read More

Raising Strong Daughters

When my daughter was born, I must admit there was... Read More

Whats in a Name?

My cousin boasts five names and I confess that when... Read More

Be Serious With Your Child Future

As a parent your biggest responsibility is to prepare your... Read More

Personal Honor

There are moments in a parent's or grandparent's life, when... Read More

Youth In A Changing World

IntroductionChildren are the gifts of God to parents. That young... Read More

Free Stuff for Twins: Incentives for Parents of Multiple Births

A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is... Read More

The Child Chef

If you really want to get your children to eat... Read More

Teach Your Kids to Cook Well, Eliminating Excessive Health Care Needs in the Future

We are all aware of the child obesity epidemic that... Read More

Cyber Parenting 101

Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit they... Read More

The Secret To Keeping Kids Interested on Family Vacations

Vacations and trips are great family events, but how do... Read More

Raise Awesome Kids! This 4-Point Plan Gets Results

Are your children truthful, kind, and helpful? If so, read... Read More

Adoption: Laughter and Tears

If you ever walk through an orphanage, it will be... Read More

Twin and Multiple Births are on the Rise

Did you know that the number of twin births have... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 3 More Dangerous Myths

MYTH: If you have not parented as well as you... Read More

The Real Problem With Todays Teenagers (And Why Most Parents Just Dont Get It!)

An address given by Rev. David B. Smith... Read More

Child Separation Anxiety: Does Your Child Have It?

If you are a parent, then more than likely you... Read More

Who Are Your Kids Talking To Online?

Studies have shown that:1 out of 4 children were sent... Read More

Would You Hire This Teacher?

Imagine you were the principal of the school that your... Read More

Child Education

The initial state of happiness about an own child is... Read More