The Parent Teen Relationship: How Effective is Yours?

It was the homework that did it. Each night became a challenge in how I was going to get my son, a non-academic, to do his homework. I tried patience, encouragement, and teaching, all to no avail. I moved on to bribery, threats and punishment, still no success. Finally I tried anger, frustration and tears, but still no joy. At the end of my tether I knew it was time for a change.

Looking back on my behaviour I could see how I had changed from a calm, encouraging parent into a demanding, controlling tyrant. This was a true wake up call; I could not believe I had turned into the very thing I hated to see in others. I asked myself, "what is more important, homework or the relationship with my son?"

The parenting relationship is a tricky one; one that needs to continue to evolve over time. It is made doubly tricky by the fact that the child uses this relationship as a role model for future relationships. As a child they see that adults have the control and power in a relationship; as they grow into adolescents they want this control and power for themselves. No wonder there are so many battles between parents and teens.

However, the desire for control and power is also reflected between the teenagers themselves. Mixed with the self-centeredness left over from childhood and the need to belong, a potent mix is created; otherwise known as peer pressure. This pressure can take many forms, from daring someone to do something that you haven't got the courage to do, to manipulating someone to give you what you want. Standing up to this pressure, particularly from their close friends can be difficult,

Teenagers need to learn how to get their needs met but without resorting to using control, power or manipulation. Just as importantly they need to learn how to resist pressure from others. If parents can change the relationship they have with their teen so that each other's needs are dealt with using respect, understanding and appreciation, then teens can experiment and realise the benefits of such a relationship.

Fortunately, the tools required for such a relationship can be easily taught, although putting them into practice will take a little more effort. Just telling teens what to do rarely works so parents will need to initiate the change and use the tools with their teen. Once your relationship has changed with your teen, you will both be in a better position to tackle the other relationships in your teen's life.

How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teen

  • Listen to their point of view. Put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. Ask them how it makes them feel.
  • Understand what makes them tick. Look for the differences between you and them and then learn more about them.
  • Accept them for who they are. Differentiate between them as a person and their behaviour. Ask for behaviour to change but accept them as they are.
  • Acknowledge their presence. Look for what they do that's positive and verbalise your appreciation. Appreciate what they don't do as well as what they do.
  • Give them space. Teens need privacy, not just in their bedrooms but also in their thoughts. Avoid interrogation techniques and opt for genuine interest.

    Carol Shepley has been involved with teenagers for over 10 years and, as the parent of a teen herself, fully understands the pressures placed on parents and teens today. She now shares this knowledge and experience through her website http://www.howtohelpteens.com so that parents can help their teens become resilient, resourceful and responsible adults. Now offering a fun quiz so you can rate you listening skills.

    In The News:

    • pen paper and inkwell


    cat break through


    My Sons Deployment

    One of the most difficult struggles in life for a... Read More

    Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive

    In an actual war, to be attacked means to have... Read More

    Revering the Crayon Marks

    "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine,... Read More

    Positive Parenting - Oops! I Really Lost My Temper With My Kids, What Now?

    Ever blown your top to your children, only to regret... Read More

    Lets Read! The Benefits of Reading to Your Children

    Parents, when you help your children learn to read, you... Read More

    The Benefits of Music Education

    Despite serious reductions in funding for arts programs in... Read More

    Of Kings and Youth Leadership

    (Isaiah 11:6 KJV) The wolf also shall dwell with the... Read More

    Educational Toys And Childrens Books - A Must For Optimal Childhood Development

    The brightly colored plastic mobile dangles lazily overhead in the... Read More

    Understanding Why Your Child Has Been Recommended for Testing

    You have just received a call from your child's teacher... Read More

    Pieces of Time and Pivotal Moments

    Life is comprised of pieces of time sprinkled with pivotal... Read More

    Child Education

    The initial state of happiness about an own child is... Read More

    Over-Indulgence And Over-Attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid!

    We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another... Read More

    Parenting Your Teenager: 3 More Dangerous Myths

    MYTH: If you have not parented as well as you... Read More

    Co-Morbidity Rates: Other Problems That May Come With ADHD

    Diagnosing children and teens with ADHD can be a challenge.... Read More

    ADHD Treatment: Strategy and Philosophy

    If your child or teen has been diagnosed with Attention... Read More

    What About ADHD Teens and Driving?

    This is one of the most common questions asked of... Read More

    Study Skills - How Can YOU Help Your Kids?

    Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man... Read More

    Do You Have the Loving Relationship With Your Children That You Desire?

    Most people with children want to be good parents. The... Read More

    Teach Your Children - Without Them Knowing They Are Learning!

    The great thing about children is they absorb knowledge like... Read More

    Simple Living in a Materialistic World

    We were sitting in the family room. My kids had... Read More

    Vouchers --- Parents, Dont Depend On Them

    Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More

    Develop Your Childs Genius: Training Your Child for Success

    This time, I would like to talk about a subject... Read More

    Diagnosing ADHD in Your Child, an Introduction

    Everyone in a private practice setting who works with children... Read More

    Helping Your Child to Deal with Change

    Fall marks the beginning of many new things both for... Read More

    How Effective is the Nutraceutical ATTEND with ADHD?

    I really like all natural remedy for Attention Deficit Disorder... Read More

    The Ten Things That Successful Parents Do

    1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don't... Read More

    How to Raise Creative Kids

    "Where did he come up with that?" Kids often amaze... Read More

    Mom vs. Dad: Navigating Parenting Differences With All Good Intentions

    Let's face it: raising children can be quite the adventure.... Read More

    Unilateral Disarmament - The First Step to Improving Communications with Your Teenagers

    Many times, we are so conditioned in how we speak... Read More

    Teach Your Kids to Cook Well, Eliminating Excessive Health Care Needs in the Future

    We are all aware of the child obesity epidemic that... Read More

    Children Cooperate When Appreciated

    Do you want your child to cooperate with you more?Children... Read More

    Would You Hire This Teacher?

    Imagine you were the principal of the school that your... Read More

    How Useful Are Bed Wetting Alarms

    Whenever parents discuss how to deal with bed wetting, the... Read More