The Parent Teen Relationship: How Effective is Yours?

It was the homework that did it. Each night became a challenge in how I was going to get my son, a non-academic, to do his homework. I tried patience, encouragement, and teaching, all to no avail. I moved on to bribery, threats and punishment, still no success. Finally I tried anger, frustration and tears, but still no joy. At the end of my tether I knew it was time for a change.

Looking back on my behaviour I could see how I had changed from a calm, encouraging parent into a demanding, controlling tyrant. This was a true wake up call; I could not believe I had turned into the very thing I hated to see in others. I asked myself, "what is more important, homework or the relationship with my son?"

The parenting relationship is a tricky one; one that needs to continue to evolve over time. It is made doubly tricky by the fact that the child uses this relationship as a role model for future relationships. As a child they see that adults have the control and power in a relationship; as they grow into adolescents they want this control and power for themselves. No wonder there are so many battles between parents and teens.

However, the desire for control and power is also reflected between the teenagers themselves. Mixed with the self-centeredness left over from childhood and the need to belong, a potent mix is created; otherwise known as peer pressure. This pressure can take many forms, from daring someone to do something that you haven't got the courage to do, to manipulating someone to give you what you want. Standing up to this pressure, particularly from their close friends can be difficult,

Teenagers need to learn how to get their needs met but without resorting to using control, power or manipulation. Just as importantly they need to learn how to resist pressure from others. If parents can change the relationship they have with their teen so that each other's needs are dealt with using respect, understanding and appreciation, then teens can experiment and realise the benefits of such a relationship.

Fortunately, the tools required for such a relationship can be easily taught, although putting them into practice will take a little more effort. Just telling teens what to do rarely works so parents will need to initiate the change and use the tools with their teen. Once your relationship has changed with your teen, you will both be in a better position to tackle the other relationships in your teen's life.

How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teen

  • Listen to their point of view. Put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. Ask them how it makes them feel.
  • Understand what makes them tick. Look for the differences between you and them and then learn more about them.
  • Accept them for who they are. Differentiate between them as a person and their behaviour. Ask for behaviour to change but accept them as they are.
  • Acknowledge their presence. Look for what they do that's positive and verbalise your appreciation. Appreciate what they don't do as well as what they do.
  • Give them space. Teens need privacy, not just in their bedrooms but also in their thoughts. Avoid interrogation techniques and opt for genuine interest.

    Carol Shepley has been involved with teenagers for over 10 years and, as the parent of a teen herself, fully understands the pressures placed on parents and teens today. She now shares this knowledge and experience through her website http://www.howtohelpteens.com so that parents can help their teens become resilient, resourceful and responsible adults. Now offering a fun quiz so you can rate you listening skills.

    In The News:

    • pen paper and inkwell


    cat break through


    Monitoring Your Teens for Drug Use Without Appearing to be Spying

    Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More

    The POWER of Your Words

    Words are truly powerful things. They are something that becomes... Read More

    Helping Your Teen Get Back to School With Clear Skin

    Backpack? Check. Notebooks? Check. Ink-pens? Check. Clear Skin? Mommmm!If you... Read More

    ADHD: Dialogue with a Non-Believer, Part Four

    Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

    Co-Morbidity Rates: Other Problems That May Come With ADHD

    Diagnosing children and teens with ADHD can be a challenge.... Read More

    Friendships - Helping Children Develop Friendship Skills

    Reasearch into children's friendships shows that those children who are... Read More

    Why Me?

    Why Me?"We should certainly count our blessings, but we should... Read More

    Parents - Create An Emotionally Healthy Connection With Your Child

    "I could have helped you if I would have known,... Read More

    Parents --- Homeschooling Can Take a Lot Less Time Than You Think

    The time you will need to teach your children the... Read More

    Teaching Your Children with Coupons

    Coupons can be a great tool in educating your child... Read More

    Gaining a Child?s Trust

    My daughters and I went to the beach several weeks... Read More

    After the Driving School

    If you visit search engines you can find several resources... Read More

    The Graceful Art of Defrazzling - For Mothers

    "I wipe my baby's chin with my college diploma and... Read More

    Games Of The Past Meet The Present

    Recently, our family had the opportunity to care for sisters'... Read More

    Top 20+ Reasons to Pay your Kid an Allowance

    1. They can make mistakes under your guidance2. They will... Read More

    Parents/Teens and Money ? 5 Ideas for Keeping the Peace

    Children and teenagers are relentlessly bombarded with merchandise that entices.... Read More

    Putting Your Child To Bed

    Are you glad for the chance to put your child... Read More

    Really Good News About Your Children?s Video Games

    Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More

    Personal Responsibility: What It Means and Whose Job is It?

    "How many times do I have to tell you to... Read More

    Lifebooks: Every Adopted Child Needs One

    Information is gold when you are adopted. Every tiny piece... Read More

    10 Steps To Prepare You For Life With Children

    It's hard to explain to the uninitiated the changes that... Read More

    5 Ways To Help Your Kids Do Math

    Uh oh.Your kids arrive home with their school reports and... Read More

    Things To Teach Your Teenage Driver

    Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More

    A Night Out For Mom & Dad

    Is your babysitter watching the kids and your k9 family... Read More

    Public School Sex-Education Classes --- Bad News For Parents and Children

    One of parents' most important duties is to protect their... Read More

    Its OK to Say No

    In the last 20 years we've all been introduced to... Read More

    How To Teach Your Children Courage

    Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard,... Read More

    Going Out to a Restaurant with Kids

    Dining in a restaurant with kids can be very enervating... Read More

    Is Your Child Learning Nothing?

    You send your child to school and the teachers teach... Read More

    Career Education: Does Not Mean the 6 Year College Plan

    Researching career education uncovered the following shocking statistic: The average... Read More

    Help! My Kids Dont Listen to Me

    Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to... Read More

    Should The Dad-To-Be Attend The Birth?

    Not so long ago a dad-to-be would pace up and... Read More

    Parenting Predicaments

    Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother... Read More