Speaking on Behalf of Our Children: Stop Blaming the Victims

How many times have you flipped through the pages of a magazine or newspaper and seen images of children with captions like "Brats," "Bullies," or "Mean and Selfish"? Unfortunately, these are common occurrences in today's media. For some child advocates, these images serve as a call to action: We need to do something to help America's so-called "out-of-control" children. The problem is, while these negative images are a wake up call, they are not doing anything to help troubled children. In fact, they only add to the problem. By labeling children brats, bullies, or mean and selfish, we are imposing the very same behaviors on them that we teach as being wrong.

In Robert Shaw's book, The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children, he asserts that "Our culture no longer offers what children need to truly thrive." That is, some children are so unruly because society has unknowingly taught them to act this way

Getting Down to the Root of the Problem

The "epidemic" that Shaw discusses is a result of a deeply rooted social system called Authoritarianism, which is a system of behaviors that manipulate and control through pain and humiliation. These behaviors include blaming, shaming, preaching, moralizing, accusing, ridiculing, belittling, evaluating, labeling, threatening, judging, and punishing ? all bullying behaviors. These behaviors disrespect, discourage, and devalue the person to whom they are directed. When such authoritarian behaviors are imposed on children, the end result is usually a loss of dignity and self-respect. Instead of helping them overcome their problems, these methods only make children feel worse about themselves, causing them to react by displaying the same authoritarian behaviors.

Authoritarian behaviors are so deeply rooted that even professional advocates who speak out against bullying resort to using the same tactics. For example, on an episode of his TV. show, Dr. Phil McGraw interviewed a teenage girl who was being verbally and physically abused by other girls at school. Since the accused girls refused to appear on the program, Dr. Phil delivered a message to them by looking and speaking directly into the camera. When he began to ridicule the accused girls and call them names, the audience immediately applauded and cheered with approval. Both Dr. Phil and his audience were advocating the very same behaviors that he was speaking against. Bullying is so deeply rooted in today's society, that it now seems reasonable.

Adding to our trouble, our nation as a whole has a reputation of being a bully because of our authoritarian behaviors. In fact, The San Francisco Chronicle recently ran an article entitled "9/11 Reminds Chinese of America, a Global Bully." In the article a student at the Beijing Institute of Science said, "America is a bully, so when someone hits back, it feels good." When bullying is directed at children, the cycle continues. Many bullied children end up being bullies themselves because "it feels good," causing others to feel like victims for much of their life.

It's Time for a Behavior Check

The fact is that children learn from modeled behaviors. While it is true that some children are, as the media says, "out-of-control," they did not end up that way by themselves. Children are who they are because of their environment. They learn how to act by watching the people who are closest to them. The behaviors they see are the behaviors they will take on. This being said, if we truly want to help a child make a change for the better, we must first take a closer look at our own actions and behaviors. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What kind of behaviors am I displaying in front of children?

• Are these the same behaviors I want them to show toward others?

It is Up to Us

Fortunately, alternatives to authoritarian behaviors exist. We are not powerless in our struggle for social change. Many child advocates not only speak out against these behaviors, but they also offer effective solutions that create physically and emotionally healthy children.

World-renowned experts and authors such as Alfie Kohn, Beyond Discipline, From Compliance to Community; Roger Schank, Coloring Outside The Lines; and David Elkind, The Hurried Child are social heroes of our time. They have been speaking out against the injustices of our system for many years, and their wisdom is bringing about a social change we desperately need.

The problems with America's children may seem overwhelming at times, but there are proven solutions. By changing our childcare practices and behaviors, we can restructure our nation's intellectual, economic, physical, political, moral, and emotional values. Children are at the mercy of the people responsible for their care. Instead of speaking out against our children, we need to be friendly with them, and speak up for them. It is up to us to make a difference in their lives.

About The Author

Dawn Fry is the founder and CEO of Helping Our Children Productions, a publishing company that provides educational CD's giving practical help to families and childcare professionals. Ms. Fry has more than 60,000 hours of professional experience working with children.

Dawn@DawnTalk.com

---

What is Hyperactivity in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?

Most of the ADHD kids that are seen in a... Read More

ADHD: Dialogue with a Non-Believer, Part Four

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

Watering Your Young Child?s Mind

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With... Read More

Exams Cause Stress For Parents Too

When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More

His Toy, Her Toy

I remember when my daughter was born. Visions of her... Read More

Working Moms vs. Stay-at-Home Moms, Lets Stop Debating Each Other and Debate the System Instead!

I could nearly fund my children's future education if I... Read More

Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce

Every year over one million parents have to talk to... Read More

Help Your Children to Love Reading

It is so important to create an environment that promotes... Read More

Would You Know if Your Child Were Being Bullied? 4 Tips to Keep Them From Becoming a Victim

The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to... Read More

Your Child?s Self-Esteem is in The Cards

Research has shown that the present generation of children worldwide... Read More

An Overview of Alternative Treatments for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Since so many would rather avoid the use of stimulant... Read More

Tips for the Classroom Teachers with ADHD Students

Thank you for all that you do in the classroom!... Read More

How to Foster a Love of Reading and Writing in Your Child

The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When... Read More

Ease Bug Bites with Easy Herbs

Summertime means insect bites and stings. Ouch! Take a leaf... Read More

5 Steps to Raising an Optimistic Child

I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie... Read More

Working Moms: Too Busy for Your Children?

17 Quick Ways to Strengthen the Bonds of LoveOn Mother's... Read More

Illegal and Legal Drug Usage in the United States

How bad is the illegal drug problem here in the... Read More

Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Children

How do we deal with our seriously distressed children and... Read More

Help Your Kids Learn More About Managing Their Personal Economy

Remember when cash was a tangible commodity in all of... Read More

What You Should Know About Counseling for Attention Deficit Disorder

At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More

Discipline on My Mind

I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More

Encouraging Your Child to Write

How in the world do you get your child to... Read More

Helping Your Children Develop Their Self-Discipline

We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More

Parents of Teens: Do You Ever Ask WHY is she so MEAN to me?

Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty... Read More

Monitoring Your Teens for Drug Use Without Appearing to be Spying

Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More

?I?M OVERWHELMED? -- 5 Tips On How Parents Can Take Control Of Their Lives

Are you feeling overwhelmed being a parent? Do you want... Read More

Creating Great Birthday Party Videos

My son recently had his third birthday party and it... Read More

How to Create an Attitude of Cooperation

Having been a parent educator and a PBS consultant for... Read More

My Teenaged Parents

Frankly, as a single parent of young children, I struggled.... Read More

Two Means Trouble

You have two kids who are 14 months apart. How... Read More

Positive Parenting of Teenagers: Helping Your Teen Understand What I Cant Afford It Means

Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More

15 New Years and Holiday Resolutions For Parents

Have you made your usual New Year resolutions? You know... Read More

Ten Tips for a Great First Day of School!

Many children are jittery on the first day of school.... Read More