How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped to bring about a near revolution in the way teachers interact with their young charges.

He later practiced as a psychologist.

The phone rang, he relates in one of his books, early on a Monday following Thanksgiving weekend. The woman on the line was clearly very agitated.

"Try and figure this out, if you can!" she pleaded.

"There we were in the car, the whole family. We drove four hundred miles, from Pittsburgh to New York. In the back of the car, little Ivan behaved like an angel, quiet and deep in thought..

"I said to myself, 'He deserves some praise.'

"Just as we entered the Lincoln Tunnel, I turned to him and said: 'You're such a good boy, Ivan. I'm proud of you.'

"A minute later, the sky fell on us..

"Ivan pulled out an ashtray and spilled its contents all over us. The ashes, the cigarette butts, and the smoke kept coming, like atomic fallout. We were in the tunnel in heavy traffic, and we were choking. If not for the cars around us, I might have murdered him!

"And what burned me up was I had just praised him. Isn't praise good for kids anymore?"

Ivan himself solved the mystery a few weeks later, in Ginott's office.

All the way home he had been wondering how to get rid of his younger brother, who was snuggled up between mother and father in front of the car.

Finally, the idea occurred to him that if their car were jackknifed in the middle, he and his parents would be safe, but the baby would be cut in two!

Just then his mother had congratulated him for being so good. The praise made him feel guilty. He felt he had to show that he did not deserve it. he looked around and saw the ashtray. The rest followed automatically.

Praise can be a highly powerful motivator. We know that. Workplace managers and supervisors know it, and adults who have enjoyed some success in the training of children certainly know it. Parents and educators have few weapons in their armory as potent as praise.

Instrument of destruction?

However, its correct use is a skill that needs to be learned, like any other. Any weapon that's not controlled is an instrument of destruction.

I've cited an extreme case here to make the point. But hopefully, make the point it does.

Chaim Ginott was a strong believer in what he called "congruent communication." "Congruent" means "consistent" or "harmonious." What he meant by the phrase is that our communication should be consistent with, or in harmony with, our ultimate objectives.

Well, what's new? Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Unfortunately, for many of us it's not so simple. Not at all.

I read about someone who recalled how she was having difficulties with math when she was in elementary school. Sensing her child's frustration, her mother took her aside and offered some well-intentioned encouragement:

" No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else."

Consoling? Maybe. But if at the age of 30 or 40, the former struggling student still had the mathematical ability of an average 10 year old, would you be very surprised?

Unhelpful or unproductive messages that young people receive from their elders take many different forms.

Uncharacteristically moody

A friend recently told me that his eleven year old was uncharacteristically moody and subdued for a few weeks. It took him a while to figure that something must be bugging the lad at school. At first, the boy insisted that everything was OK, but eventually he blurted it all out.

He explained sadly that his teacher kept upsetting him with comments like:

"Another poor grade in the test this week. You could do much better, if you really wanted to."

"You say you find it difficult to concentrate in class? If you really wanted to, I'm certain you could..."

"Dad," moaned the hapless pupil. "I just don't understand this 'if you wanted to' business. Can it be possible? Does my teacher REALLY think I don't care? Surely he must know how much I'd like to be a better student, if only I could?"

Fortunately, this story had a happy ending. The father had a friendly, heart to heart chat with the teacher, who understood where he might have been making a mistake. Before long, the teacher's feedback had changed to:

"Your grade in this week's test was two percent better. Now that you're going up, perhaps you can manage another two percent hike next week?"

"You've concentrated for a solid twenty minutes this morning. You see yourself you can do it. Now, just try to manage for another ten minutes!"

Happy days!

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

---

Responsible Fatherhood - A Unique And Irreplaceable Role!

Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy.... Read More

Is Your Behavioural Change Strategy Working?

'How can I start getting my children to help out... Read More

The Old and the New

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael... Read More

The Challenges of Single Parenting

Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and... Read More

The Truth About Motherhood

What is the mystery of motherhood? I know that when... Read More

How to Assist Troubled Teens

What parents of a teen haven't wondered where their sweet... Read More

Understanding Why Your Child Has Been Recommended for Testing

You have just received a call from your child's teacher... Read More

Unschooling - the Benefits of Home Based Education

Home schooling benefits children. As a parent, I feel it... Read More

Home For The Holidays: Is it Time for That Talk?

Just a couple of years ago Annie helped her parents... Read More

Whats Mine Is Mine

You are at the grocery store with your daughter and... Read More

Are You Too Busy for Your Kids?

In his recent newsletter "Happy Kids", parenting expert Michael Grose... Read More

If at First They Dont Succeed - What a Great Opportunity!

When kids try new things, sometimes it's a 'fit' and... Read More

Film Industry and Our Youth

In the first premise, some films and video tapes which... Read More

Scolding: One of Communications Tools of Last Resort

(Excerpted from Jim Rohn's 2004 Weekend Leadership Event)You have to... Read More

Assume Personal Responsibility? Who, Me?

As thinking, acting human beings we have the ability to... Read More

How to Foster a Love of Reading and Writing in Your Child

The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When... Read More

The Secret, Unconscious Game Children and Parents Play Where No One Wins!

Did you know there's a game children and parents play... Read More

How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More

How To Be A Bad Mother

As I sit here and reflect on the past two... Read More

What Are Reasonable Expectations of a Child?

To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hold Family Meetings

1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More

Celebrating Mom: How To Make Every Day Her Special Day!

Bearers of life, wipers of noses, givers of unconditional love... Read More

People of the Century by Dan Rather

Dan Rather made a significant and tactical error and got... Read More

Ten Reasons to Tell your Kids Stories

In today's busy world, many parents have lost the art... Read More

What You Should Know About Counseling for Attention Deficit Disorder

At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More

Swing Sets and Outdoor Play Equipment- 5 Essential Tips Before You Buy

For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More

Children Need Roots and Wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More

Secrets from the Classroom: Avoiding Summer Learning Loss

In June, elementary school children across North America cheered as... Read More

When Everybody Does It Comes Back to Haunt You

Parental example, whether for good or for bad, is undoubtedly... Read More

Four Tips For Alleviating Back To School Anxiety

Back to school preparations are in full-swing. Soon, the first... Read More

How Effective Are Ritalin and Dexedrine in Treating the Symptoms of ADHD?

Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More

My Teenaged Parents

Frankly, as a single parent of young children, I struggled.... Read More

A Dangerous Environment

The internet is a dangerous place for your children. Don't... Read More