Parents of Teens: Do You Ever Ask WHY is she so MEAN to me?

Do you ever wonder what is behind the occasional nasty attitudes expressed by your teenager? Teenagers can make their parents feel pretty badly at times; if they only knew how much their words and actions sometimes hurt us they'd probably stop. Perhaps.

It isn't a developmental necessity that teenagers be mean to their parents, but enough of them demonstrate this behavior that it not only warrants examination here, it is the topic of frequent discussion among parents. And when young adults look back, they say things like "I'm still apologizing to my mom for how I treated her when I was in high school."

Why do they act this way? What's behind this behavior? Here are a couple of reasons.

During adolescence parents fall off the pedestal we once stood on when our kids were young. And that is a developmental necessity. Part of the process that teenagers are experiencing includes separating from parents, a process psychologists call "individuation." They are coming into their own true ? separate ? selves. And this includes seeing parents realistically ? and that means they see our flaws and short comings as well as our positive attributes.

Smaller children often make that pedestal parents stand on pretty high; think back and you're sure to remember incidences that surprised you when you realized how you were perceived as infallible, nearly "perfect," truly "adored." When teenagers begin to gain a more realistic view of their parents it can actually be scary for them. They can feel vulnerable, angry even, to discover their parents are only human, imperfect like the rest of humanity. Obviously they will learn to cope with this realization, but at an unconscious level it can still be disturbing to them. This can be one cause of their "mean" behavior toward parents.

It will help parents to understand that along with the disappointment in learning adults are flawed, may also come relief as teenagers learn that "perfection" is not a prerequisite for adulthood. Parents can help their teens through this shift in thinking and this important developmental step by being realistic about their flaws.

Another reason why kids sometimes present challenging attitudes to parents is that they're testing out ideas. Hopefully, at a deep level, your teen knows that he/she can count on you and you'll never abandon him/her, no matter what. That makes you, then, the safest person with whom she can express her feeling and thoughts ? even ones that are not typically allowed in our culture.

Parents who provide walls and boundaries are not only keeping kids safe, they are providing walls to push against, and push they will! This may not be what the parent intends, but it is often the case, again, because of the inherent "safety" in the relationship. Parents can become, merely because of circumstances, the testing ground teens use to verbalize ideas, attitudes and behavior, sometimes with little regard for our feelings. Mother-daughter relationships, in particular, can exemplify this. One author referred to "mother" as the "standard to which she aspires and struggles against." So, you see the challenge can be built right into the relationship.

There are many causes for the changing behavior of teenagers, and some of the attitudes they express can hurt parents' feelings. The more parents understand the underlying causes for what is going on, the more we can properly manage our responses. We certainly don't need to accept unacceptable behavior, but on the other hand we can help the situation if we are knowledgeable about what might be really behind it.

Sue Blaney
© 2004

Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit our website at http://www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com

---

Tracking Your Child Progress

As a parent, you can learn a lot about your... Read More

Is Your Discipline Damaging the Spirit of the Child?

If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: What to Do When Your Teen Feels Left Out

On a recent Saturday evening, I noticed a young teen-age... Read More

The 411 on Natural Colic Remedies

Any parent whose baby has suffered from colic can tell... Read More

Minimizing Homework Hassles

John Bishop's Goal Setting for Students.comParents ? Minimize Homework Hassles?It's... Read More

Natural Disasters: Help Your Child Cope With The Anxiety

How on earth can you help your family cope with... Read More

First Year With Twins - A Father?s Point Of View

People always ask my wife and I: "How did you... Read More

Study Skills - How Can YOU Help Your Kids?

Some years ago when touring the Scottish Highlands, a man... Read More

Be Serious With Your Child Future

As a parent your biggest responsibility is to prepare your... Read More

Children - Blessing or Curse

You're trying to catch up on some sleep on a... Read More

Pipe Down!

Life is funny.My twenty-year-old daughter, Melanie, has a her new... Read More

Things To Teach Your Teenage Driver

Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More

Now, Theyre Bullying My Daughter In Our Home: Welcome To Cyber-Bullying

Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More

Books Around the House Make A Difference in Literacy Rates

We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More

Advising Teens? Getting Your Point Across

Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a... Read More

Sometimes Our Childrens Questions Answer Our Own

I was changing Ford's diaper the other day when he... Read More

Real Monsters Under Your Bed

There may really be a real monster under your kidâ??s... Read More

Stress is No Kiddy Matter

Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Are Sleep Overs with the Opposite Sex OK?

Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More

How To Entertain A Child While Working From A Home Office

There is no doubt that the benefits of being a... Read More

Missing The Bus

As a step daughter and step grand daughter, I followed... Read More

What is Incest?

Incest is sexual activity, ranging from fondling to intercourse, between... Read More

Valuable Parenting Tip

Very often, new parents rely on a parenting tip or... Read More

Public Schools Can Waste 12 Years of Your Child?s Life

For over fifty years, public-school officials and politicians have tried... Read More

Tips For a First-Time Dad

So you're going to become a father. Now is not... Read More

Weathering Colic for New Parents

A common problem many times facing parents is Colic. Estimates... Read More

How to Help Your Child be Successful in Kindergarten

Your child's first year of school should be a fun... Read More

Raising A High Maintenance Child

Do you have a high maintenance child?"Thank goodness my second... Read More

Understanding Why Your Child Has Been Recommended for Testing

You have just received a call from your child's teacher... Read More

The Different Types, or Styles, of ADHD

Research literature, recent books, and common sense, all point to... Read More

Advocating for Your Child with LD

Advocate: you've probably heard the term before. But what does... Read More

Violence in Media

In the news, we hear and see an increasing number... Read More

What a Parent Must Do to Stop Online Predators

Teens can freely access the Internet from computers at school,... Read More