Im a Mom, Shes a Mom: Being an Adult with Your Parents

On one of her quarterly visits to see her grandson, my three-year-old son, my mother ignores the available front seat of the car, crowds into the back next to the car seat and promptly unwraps a lollipop. Feeling the tension rising, I recall the numerous conversations where I so proudly tell my mother how I keep sugar away from my son. "Mom, what are you doing? Haven't you heard a word I said?" And so it starts. The struggle of being an adult with my parent.

So much is written today about taking care of our parents as they age. Monitoring medical care, determining living arrangements and providing emotional support are the new roles that we have taken on to help our parents age gracefully and with dignity. We are the "Sandwich Generation," the growing number of adult children squeezed between the needs of an aging parent and the demands of our own children, spouses and careers. But not much is written about the stage prior to this phase. That time when our parents are still healthy and active and still very much involved in our own lives. I am talking about that period of time when you, yourself, are an active adult, with a family and a husband and life of your very own. That is when the struggle to be an adult with your parents begins. So, which Mom really knows best?

As a Relationship Coach, I often hear, "My mother can get under my skin in less than 10 seconds." After all these years, your parents can still find ways to throw you off-balance and resurrect old habits. They are your biggest fans and your harshest critics. And, whether we like to admit it or not, we continue to want their approval no matter how old, how independent or how successful we are. In short, your parent's opinions remain extremely important. We want our Moms to respect our choices and admire the lives that we created. After all, isn't our success a reflection of their efforts as a mother? But sometimes, they seem so quick to criticize. So what can we do?

Find New Ways to Connect

As a fellow mother and wife, we assume that the best way to connect with our mothers is on issues of parenting, family and marriage. However, these are often hot-bed issues which lead to unwanted advise. Discover other mutual interests to talk about and share. Talk about politics, take walks, meet at the gym, garden together, go to the movies or theater, bring your Mother to your job so she can see where you work and meet colleagues, join a book club. Enrich your relationship by finding other ways to connect and other issues to talk about.

Create Boundaries

We have all heard this, but what exactly does it mean? In an effort to be closer, we sometimes offer too much information. A small detail becomes a point of scrutiny. It is all right to answer our parents' questions with limited information. Be proactive. Offer information about something you know your mother will ask about before she asks. This puts the communication in your hands. Be clear with your mother. Do not expect her to know which areas she can comment on and which areas are off limits. It is your job as the adult child to define the limits.

But be careful, here. You cannot go both ways. You cannot tell your mother that she cannot comment on your husband and then call her when you have a fight with him. Call a girlfriend. Find another network of support for that area.

Validate Feelings and Beliefs.

Your new ways of doing things may feel like a threat to your parents. Without intending to, your way may seem like a personal attack against the way you were raised. Feeling offended, your mother may try to influence you either to retaliate or to create a comfort level. It is important to share with your mom that, as an adult, you have taken all that she has taught you to create new ways of doing things with your family. You have needed to compromise and synthesize everyone's ways to create a new way that works for all. Recognize that you and your mother have a right to your own opinions, even if they are different from each other.

Get a Guide

There is such a stigma in asking for help, especially for woman. However, a third-party perspective can make all the difference in how you communicate with your parents. This does not mean therapy or counseling. Find a Coach, a guide or even clergy who specializes in relationship issues. Be sure your Coach helps you both to focus on your goals for the relationship. In other words, what do you want your future with your Mom to be like? Do you really need to hash out and analyze the past or are you ready to learn the skills to move forward? Also, make sure your Coach can offer immediate tools to use to help you diffuse potentially contentious situations.

Ask Questions.

"Why do you ask?" "How does that make you feel when I do that?" "Why would you do it that way?" What is your mother's real intent when she does something that gets under your skin? If asked, she would probably be shocked that she hurt your feelings. Her intent was to help, not hurt. What is behind that seemingly critical statement or probing question? You may be surprised to find that she has her own agenda that is separate from what seemed like a criticism. Before you react, ask genuinely interested questions. This also takes the focus off of you and onto her.

As my mother offered my son the lollipop, I choked down my frustration and sincerely asked her why she gave him the candy. Her answer caught me off guard. She expressed how hard it was for her that she lives so far away, that she could not help raise him and that she feared he would forget her from visit to visit. She explained that in her limited time with him, she wanted to bring pure joy and excitement and make him feel special. As I listened to this, I recognized that to my mother, all of that was represented in a lollipop. And what kind of mother was I to deny my son all those wonderful feelings? I also recognized that I could be true to my way of doing things and still love and respect my mother.

© 2004, XY Outlook, Inc.

Mimi Azoubel Daniel, MS, CEC is a Certified Life Coach specializing in Relationship Coaching. She works with individuals, couples and businesses to create strong healthy and satisfying relationships at home and in the workplace. She conducts several workshops and is frequent guest speaker. Specifically, Mimi offers the Lasting Marriage Program and The "Y" Workshop, a non-denominational, premarital workshop. For more information, visit http://www.xyoutlook.com.

---

Homeschooling ? Is It Worth It?

Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More

School Holiday Survival Guide

The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More

Parents Need to Vent Anger! Try These 4 Steps to Serenity

Parents are losing their self-control to anger. A friend called... Read More

Treatment Options for ADHD

Ritalin has been shown through the years to be very... Read More

From Good to GREAT: Secrets On Becoming A Better Dad

While most fathers aspire to become the best Dads they... Read More

Swing Sets and Outdoor Play Equipment- 5 Essential Tips Before You Buy

For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Back to School Blues

Q: Our son has been in honors classes all through... Read More

Ten Ways To Become Your Teenagers Best Friend

Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's... Read More

Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) for Teen Drivers

Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting... Read More

How Children Learn

Nurture and TeachThe single most important thing caregivers can do... Read More

Book Review: The Ring Bear Depicts Turmoil of Becoming A Stepchild

In "The Ring Bear," a picture book by Tigard resident... Read More

Celebrating Life with Children in September

Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your... Read More

Second Letter to My Daughter

Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More

Coping with the Stress of Moving Home and Childrens Concerns

Moving house can be an emotional experience for adults, so... Read More

Unschooling - the Benefits of Home Based Education

Home schooling benefits children. As a parent, I feel it... Read More

Finding Answers to Underachievement

Finding answers to a child's underachievement is often a difficult... Read More

Reading Activities Parents Can Use For Their Children

Using 14 "at" Flashcards To Teach Reading:This exercise helps your... Read More

Pet Loss Can Be Just As Devastating!

'And all because of a damned cat! It's only a... Read More

The Muffed Dance

Teri was 5. As younger siblings do, she looked up... Read More

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Q. "What do you want to be when you grow... Read More

Co-sleeping, a personal story

When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More

Parents: You Can Do Something About Professional Sports Ethics

Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More

6 Ways to Communicate Clearly with Your Teen

How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More

How Children Can Read Faster and Better

For most children, it is easy to learn to read... Read More

Parents ? The No Child Left Behind Law Wont Do Much For Your Child

Past experience with federal education programs predicts that the No... Read More

Quality Time with Your Teen

It's sometimes difficult to find ways to be involved with... Read More

Whats Mine Is Mine

You are at the grocery store with your daughter and... Read More

ADHD: A Dialogue With a Non-Believer, part three

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

A New Dad To Be? Deer in the headlights?

Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More

Your Kids Career - Whose Choice?

A strange thing happened to me today. Or more precisely,... Read More

Summer Camp Care Packages

Every summer our daughter goes to summer camp. She looks... Read More

A Legacy For Dakota

Have you heard the song; "I Hope You Dance"? It... Read More

Childrens Friendships Made Easy

Most research into children's friendships shows that those children who... Read More