Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has no
self-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities of
your son, how would you feel for his future wives?

Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundaries
for our children ­ their future. One study showed that children born
recently on average will have more spouses than kids. Here are a few
examples of children who lack boundaries:

1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent's bedroom whenever he wants.
It does not matter if the door was open or closed.
2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television.
It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.
3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be her
teacher's fault, brother's fault, or a friend's fault when something does
not go right.
4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressures
her for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would want
to date her.

Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, and
life. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries.
Here are a few results that can occur:
1. Children can have controlling behavior
2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.
3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peer
group. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.
4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead to
a life of turmoil.
5. Children may allow others to think for them.
6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be.
This denies their maximum potential.
7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other's feelings.
8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another person
begins.

What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developing
boundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are not
born with them. Here are a few suggestions to help develop boundaries.

1. Recognize and respect the child's boundaries. For example, knock on
their closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.
2. Set our own boundaries and have consequences for crossing them.
3. Avoid controlling the child.
4. Give two choices; this helps our children learn decision-making skills.
5. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set. Do it clearly, do it
without anger, and use as few words as possible.
6. We need to say what hurts us and what feels good.
7. It may be difficult to set a boundary. You may feel afraid, ashamed, or
nervous, that's okay, do it any ways.

Another way to work with boundaries and children is to model these for our
children.
1. Recognize your physical boundaries.
2. You have the right to request proper treatment, for example, poorly
prepared meals in a restaurant should be sent back, ask others to smoke away
from your space, and ask that loud music be turned down.
3. Share your opinions with your children. Allow your children their
opinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help them think for
themselves.
4. Teach them how you decide on the choices you make.
5. Lets own what we do and what we don't do. Take responsibility for when
things go wrong.
6. Accept your thoughts, it is who you are.
7. Discover what your limits are, emotional and physical.

Setting boundaries is all about taking care of ourselves. This is the first
guideline we teach in our workshops. Other benefits include:
1. We will learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.
2. Boundaries are also the key to having a loving relationship.
3. Boundaries will help us with our personal growth.
4. We will learn to listen to ourselves (trusting our intuition). We
also will learn to respect and care for others and ourselves.
5. Boundaries will aid us in the workplace.

Boundaries are all about freedom and recognizing when these freedoms have been crossed. Boundaries give us a framework in which to negotiate life events. Recognizing and acting when our boundaries have been crossed will protect our freedom. Boundaries lead to winning relationships for both
parties. By building foundations based on mutual trust, love, and respect we can expect our children to grow up more tolerant and with a mature character. Simply put, boundaries simplify life.

Derek and Gail Randel M.D. are parent coaches who have customized programs
for corporations, schools, and parent groups. They can be reached at Parent Smart from the
Heart, 1-866-89-SMART, www.parentsmartfromtheheart.com , www.stoppingschoolviolence.com or
info@randelconsulting.com

---

The Graceful Art of Defrazzling - For Mothers

"I wipe my baby's chin with my college diploma and... Read More

Parenting: The Road I Chose

Tripping over the shoes and toys that seem to clutter... Read More

Is Your Discipline Damaging the Spirit of the Child?

If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More

Fizzy Sherbet ? A Sweet Science Lesson for Your Kids!

Fizzy sherbet in a paper bag with a strawberry lollipop... Read More

Picky Eaters - The Dawn of Understanding

"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't... Read More

Renee?s Mommy is Here

I still remember the scene vividly. I was getting out... Read More

How to Make a Time Capsule

Looking for an unusual and memorable gift? Why not preserve... Read More

How To Teach Children Loyalty and Dependability

Individualism is a common thing in today's modern society. Many... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: What Parents Say About Teens

What is hard for parentsLetting them learn from their mistakes.Trying... Read More

How To Use Positive Child Discipline

I am a single mother of a 17 year old... Read More

Top Ten Ways to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids

Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children... Read More

The Great Baby Name Debate

Winifred or Willow? Thomas or Troy? The name you choose... Read More

Picky Eater Syndrome

'Picky Eater' is a label coined to describe the phenomenon... Read More

Raising Kids on a Budget

There are only two ways to get more money:1) Increase... Read More

Create Your Dream Family

There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More

Time Out for Adults

"Get down from the table top right now! What are... Read More

?I?M OVERWHELMED? -- 5 Tips On How Parents Can Take Control Of Their Lives

Are you feeling overwhelmed being a parent? Do you want... Read More

Fraternal Twin Parenting Concerns

Identity and Your Fraternal TwinFor the most part, throughout this... Read More

Best Investment

Every week I write something about the stock market -... Read More

Whats in a Name?

My cousin boasts five names and I confess that when... Read More

Top Three Reasons To Get Involved At Your Childs School

You may think once your child has gone off to... Read More

Teach Your Children - Without Them Knowing They Are Learning!

The great thing about children is they absorb knowledge like... Read More

Why Creativity and Self-Expression are Important to Little Kids

Can you draw a straight line? Most adults don't consider... Read More

Responsible Fatherhood - A Unique And Irreplaceable Role!

Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy.... Read More

Maximizing Your ADHD Childs Performance in School.

As a parent there are lots of things that you... Read More

How Illiteracy Can Ruin Your Childs Life

It may seem obvious to many people why literacy is... Read More

Top Three Ways To Communicate With Your Child

Although many parents become frustrated as they try to maintain... Read More

Exams Cause Stress For Parents Too

When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More

Co-Morbidity Rates: Other Problems That May Come With ADHD

Diagnosing children and teens with ADHD can be a challenge.... Read More

Why A Father Is Not A Dad

It can be said that any man who procreates is... Read More

Choosing a Daycare or Pre-School ? Top Ten Safety Tips

When it's time to put your child into a daycare... Read More

Drugs and Violence In Public Schools

Many public schools not only fail to educate our children,... Read More

What Values Are We Giving Our Children?

On a bright Sunday morning, a couple of weeks ago,... Read More