Explanations?... or Excuses?

Which of the following "explanations" have you heard (or used!) in the past few weeks?

* I need to reward myself for being so good.

* The boss hates me.

* It's been too hot (too cold, too rainy) to exercise

* Of course I have problems. I'm a middle child.

* It was the alcohol talking.

It's pretty obvious that the above "explanations" are basically excuses for avoiding responsibility. Your "inner brat" uses such excuses to justify overeating, underachievement and saying hurtful things.

Next look at the following. They almost seem like plausible explanations:

* Sorry I'm late again. There was a lot of traffic.

* I haven't had a chance to call her back. It's been crazy around here.

* I never went to college because my parents didn't encourage me.

* I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

* I can't seem to get things done because of my ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).

But these, too, are still excuses, not explanations. If you examine the above statements more closely, you will find that they are not entirely explanatory, and are easily challenged. For example:

* Being chronically late is not caused by traffic; it's caused by not leaving enough time for travel.

* If a phone call is important enough, a person will almost always find the time.

* Lack of parental encouragement may have some influence on one's life, but eventually we all have choices to make about investing our time and energy.

* Most of the time people avoid confrontation not to protect someone else's feelings, but to protect their own.

* People with ADHD need to work harder to stay focused but this does not mean they cannot complete their tasks.

A true explanation shows a cause-and-effect relationship: Situation X caused Consequence Y. Excuses masquerade as explanations, but are really distortions of the truth. Excuses include following elements:

1. They usually blame other people or external circumstances -- e.g., "I hit him because he made me mad," or "You're too sensitive," or "It was just my bad luck."

2. When they blame oneself, they usually invoke a personal trait or limitation -- e.g., "I'm not good at keeping track of bills," or "You KNOW I never remember details," or "I have no self-discipline."

3. They minimize the impact of insults, breaches of trust, and harm to others -- e.g., "Everybody does it." or "Why are you so upset? It's no big deal"

4. They attempt to absolve the excuse-maker of personal responsibility.

5. They seem to make more sense after the fact, than they would have beforehand -- e.g., you might rationalize, "I deserved that pound of Godiva chocolates because I worked hard all day." But would it really make sense to say, "If I work hard today the best reward for my efforts is a pound of Godivas?"

It's very tempting to make excuses. In fact it is one of your inner brat's favorite strategies. Excuses serve to protect you from facing your own shortcomings. They also try to keep other people from noticing your limitations. Excuses are a way of saying, "I'm really a good person, but . . ."

At the same time, however, excuses are only a temporary, quick fix. You may feel better for the moment, but in the long run you are dissatisfied with yourself.

No one has ever felt uplifted by making an excuse. Facing the truth is sometimes difficult, but it gives you the opportunity to take charge, to make positive decisions and to gradually eliminate the need for excuses.

Here are some tips:

1. Face the fact that you screwed up. For minor transgressions, it's not the end of the world. For major problems, your excuse isn't going to reverse the situation anyway. Things are what they are, and you can only move forward from there.

2. Apologize. Acknowledge that it was your own fault. Keep it simple; e.g., "I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't allow enough time for traffic problems." Notice how this example starts with the word "I" in the explanation.

3. Offer to make amends; e.g., "I won't let it happen again," or "Is there some way I can make this up to you?"

4. Learn from the experience. Make a decision about how you will handle this or similar situations in the future.

5. Write down your decision and treat it as a promise to yourself. This is especially useful for excuses you make to yourself, such as when you rationalize procrastination or abandoning your exercise program.

Copyright Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. 2005. All rights reserved

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004) She is also a life coach.

Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.

---

Do The Hardest Thing First And The Rest Will Be Easy

Have you ever noticed that in life we almost always... Read More

Come Alive!

As many of you know I have a passion for... Read More

How Mind Implants Increase Business Success

If your business isn't as successful as you envision, what's... Read More

4 Powerful Ways To Fire Up Your Motivation

It's so difficult to go on when everything seems to... Read More

Visualization

Visualisation plays a very important role with the mind and... Read More

How To Deal With Denial

Denial is a coping mechanism commonly used when something happens... Read More

7 Stepping-stones to Career Growth and Excellence

Achieving excellence in our work is an integral part of... Read More

Motivation: 3 Suggestions for Living a Life of Purpose, On Purpose

"There's so many roads that seem, To lead down to... Read More

Prime That Pump! Part 3

How healthy is your vision of yourself? How does your... Read More

How to Stay Motivated

You've read a book that motivates you to action; you've... Read More

Let It Fly Over Your Head

Sarah Watson is a young woman who contracted HIV eleven... Read More

Motivation By Consequences

In 2004 seven badly behaved teenagers were sent to a... Read More

Motivation - How to Design a Life

"Have you ever felt like you've become the worst possible... Read More

To Boldly Go

For the first time in many years, Star Trek Fans... Read More

A Surfing Lesson

I've never surfed in my life. Sometimes people tell me... Read More

Courage and Fear

Mark Twain once said, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery... Read More

Personal Safety: How To Avoid Accidents And Live A Safe, Longer & Happy Life

Have you ever had an accident?Do you value your personal... Read More

A Simple Motivation Technique For Massive Success

Want to hear about a simple & effective motivation technique?... Read More

Mind Power

King Solomon said "As a man thinketh in his heart... Read More

5 Ways To Feel Super-Optimistic: Tips for Your Health, Wealth, & Career Success

Optimism is the hidden key to your personal and business... Read More

Achieving Your Dreams

Have you achieved your dreams? Dreams are an important part... Read More

The Rate of Change

There have been many discussions and grumblings in the Western... Read More

Dont Let Failure Go To Your Head

I watched as an 8-year-old All-Star slid dramatically into second... Read More

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Lately, I've become super sensitive to the amount of excuses... Read More

Citizens of the Land of Opportunity

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men... Read More

Journaling - A Tool for Healing and Growth

The word "journal" comes from the French. It dates back... Read More

The Road Less Traveled

Can someone please tell me why it is that men... Read More

The First Step for Getting Better Results

How dramatically we can change our results is largely a... Read More

A Wake Up Call

The story below is a true story that happened in... Read More

Words Have Power

How many times have you heard or read that words... Read More

Life?s an Illusion

I'll get right to the point. Life is not necessarily... Read More

Break And Move Beyond The Length Of The Chains

"Never let fear, procrastination or the longing for approval from... Read More

Five Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone

Expanding your comfort zone isn't quite the same as building... Read More