Write An Apology To Your Spouse: How to Apologize In a Way That Really Works For You

Being apologetic doesn't come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, "I'm sorry." Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted-- as long as I looked sincere and said, "I'm sorry." It was like having a "Get out of jail free" Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It's for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they've created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you're apologizing for.

2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.

3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you're on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.

4. Describe why you're interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you're a team.

5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don't change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.

2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.

3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.

4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)

5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).

6. You don't have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I've been thinking about your comments that I don't follow through consistently when I say I'll do something. I apologize for that.

2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should "remind" me or not. If you don't speak up you run the risk that I won't follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.

3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it's just to get you off my back. I think, "well, I'll do it if I get time." But if it's something I really don't want to do, often I simply don't make the time. I'm also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours--and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven't thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.

4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.

5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don't follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

May all your apologies be little ones.

For more than 20 years, Peter Pearson, Ph.D. has specialized in helping couples transform their relationships. He and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." Their book, "Tell Me No Lies," includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.

---

Wedding Colors

Is it to be a summer wedding or winter wedding?... Read More

Marriage Tips: Fifteen Ways to Say ?I Love You? in 3 Minutes or Less

To keep romance alive and nurture the intimacy in your... Read More

Marriage Missing its Spark?

If the fires of passion in your marriage have been... Read More

Wedding Dresses - Frequently Asked Questions

You've gotten engaged and have set the wedding date and... Read More

Throwing a Las Vegas Garden Wedding

You may not think of Las Vegas as an area... Read More

Flower Girl Flowers

There are many options available to adorn your flower girl... Read More

Diamond Engagement Ring, on Two Months Salary - Maybe Not!

Diamond spending - well, that is up to you. What... Read More

Its the Heart (and heat) of the Wedding Season - Sun & Heat Protection During an Outdoor Wedding

So, you decided to opt for an outdoor wedding under... Read More

Choosing the Wedding Disc Jockey

Your wedding day is the day when all the details... Read More

Cheating Wives - Play with Your Lives!

Many wives cheat on their husbands. This could be due... Read More

The Monogram Theme Wedding

Monograms are a huge trend in weddings, to the point... Read More

Writing Your Wedding Vows the Way Poets Do

Let's face it, not many of us have the kind... Read More

Renewing Your Marriage Vows - On the Right Side of the Law

Movies, sitcoms and soapies made in the United States could... Read More

Discount Wedding Dresses ? Elegance and Style that Won?t Blow Your Budget!

If you're planning your wedding day then you'll be all... Read More

Florida Honeymoon Vacations

Celebrate your marriage by planning a Florida honeymoon vacation with... Read More

Dressing Your Bridesmaids

For a bride, shopping for bridesmaid dresses can be one... Read More

Eight Cheap Honeymoon Ideas for Couples on a Budget

Between paying for the wedding and setting up a new... Read More

Bridal Hair Stylist Goes Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

You are locked in your seat on the most famous... Read More

Gatlinburg Honeymoon Packages

Gatlinburg in Tennessee is the city with streets of art... Read More

Helping The Control Freak Plan The Wedding

My daughter and fiancé have finally set the "big day"... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 4

When Maria Callas first appeared on the international scene, she... Read More

Moissanite Bridal Rings ?True Choice Of The Young Heart

What best way can a bride think of rising to... Read More

The Bachelor Party: A Guide For The Best Man

If you forget the ring, there is still a chance... Read More

Rose Petals Add The Perfect Touch For A Wedding

Rose petals will add luxury to a wedding day or... Read More

Bridal Shower Gift Ideas

You've been invited to the bridal shower ? what fun!... Read More

28 Things That Really Do Matter In Marriage (Short Shots On Living An Exceptional Life)

In my opinion, these things matter...1. Valuing commitment over instant... Read More

Enhancing Communication in Marriage

In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced... Read More

Current Trends in Wedding Photography

Wedding photography is an evolving field that requires artistic talent,... Read More

New Findings on Happiness Have Implications for Rocky Marriages

Not only do individuals who follow Time Magazine's "Eight Steps... Read More

Be Thankful for a Faithful Husband

If your husband is faithful, you have much to be... Read More

Fiji Honeymoon Vacations

If you are looking forward to a vacation of attractive... Read More

How to Choose a Marriage Counselor

You have made the decision to contact a marriage counselor.... Read More

Keeping A Marriage Romantic

My belief is that most relationship problems should be given... Read More