Irreversible

My husband had two affairs last year. I am pretty confident he is not cheating now, and we are seeing a marriage counselor. He has changed much since I found out what he was doing. He put our property in my name and bought me a $12,000 diamond ring.

He is affectionate to me most of the time. I believe this is proof that he loves me. The problem is I also have proof that he does not love me because he had affairs. So I have proof he loves me and proof he does not love me.

Our marriage counselor tells me his affair is in the past, and I agree. The problem of the past is that one second later everything is in the past. To me, saying it is in the past is just a way to excuse anything. You could do almost anything, and then later say it is in the past.

If you drive drunk and kill someone, can you say it's in the past? Just because you do not drive drunk anymore you can never bring that person back to life. It may be in the past, but it has certainly destroyed the future. That is the problem.

The therapist wants to focus on the present and future, and consider the affair in the past. If this is a way to move on, then my husband can do almost anything to me and later be forgiven. He can even plan to do something and say to himself later on it will be in the past.

Because something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe it will happen again. After all, if he had not cheated, there would be no past cheating and no reason to say "put it in the past."

Kayla

Kayla, your logic is correct, and your therapist's reasoning is incorrect. As human beings we have to forecast our future in order to understand what we should do today. Your forecast for the future has changed because your husband has sex with other women.

His cheating is not in the past, because he can do it again. But there is one thing which is in the past. That one thing is fidelity in your marriage. Fidelity, the unbroken wedding vow, is in the past. It is gone and cannot be regained.

Texas Justice

Yesterday I caught my girlfriend of two years in bed with my now ex-friend. I walked in and caught them in the act. After beating the hell out of him, I told my girlfriend to go to our house and wait for me. Upon arriving home the question I kept asking is, "Why?" She says she doesn't know why.

We went and saw a counselor that very same day. I told her we could work through this, but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I want to. I guess you could sign me "Cheated on in Texas."

Roy

Roy, most people who sleep on a problem wake up just as muddled as they were the night before. But in the course of one night, you gained the insight needed to grasp the end of your relationship.

Why do you go to work? Why do you pay your bills? Why do you lock your truck in a bad neighborhood? You know why.

When someone is caught doing what they know is wrong, the classic first answer is, "I don't know why." Why are there so many "innocent" people in jail? Because once you admit guilt, you must suffer consequences. If you claim innocence, there is a chance you might escape justice.

Ultimately, why doesn't matter. What she did ends the relationship. What she did trumps why she did it.

Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 15, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

How to Find, Select, and Afford a Wedding Photographer

You are engaged and one of the most important days... Read More

Man Made Diamonds, The Affordable Alternative

Diamonds may be a woman's best friend, but modern man... Read More

Second Marriage Wedding Dress and Etiquette

Just as with your first marriage, your second marriage is... Read More

6 Ways to Save Money on Wedding Invitations

Inviting your possible guests on your wedding day can be... Read More

Discount Wedding Dresses ? Elegance and Style that Won?t Blow Your Budget!

If you're planning your wedding day then you'll be all... Read More

Bridezilla Bride!?

Nobody, I repeat nobody likes a bridezilla bride. If you... Read More

Wedding Budget - What Can You Do To Shave It, Yet Still Have A Memorable Wedding?

OK, so you have your heart set on the top... Read More

Marriage Advice: Upgrade Your Marriage By Changing Your Focus

As the story goes, a Cherokee elder was sitting with... Read More

Alternatives to Diamond Rings ? What Choices Do You Have?

There is little doubt that planning a wedding can be... Read More

Hawaii Honeymoon Vacations - Romanticizing Your Honeymoon!

Hawaii honeymoon vacations could take you to a miracle trip... Read More

Symbolism of Wedding Rings

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of... Read More

Butterfly Releases

Butterfly Releases offer the viewer the chance to see beauty... Read More

Wedding Rings ? Through the Ages and for All Eternity

The exact origin of the wedding ring is uncertain and... Read More

Wedding Favors: A Brief History

For many centuries wedding favors have been a part of... Read More

For Second Weddings Only - Eight Tips

Planning a second wedding? Prevent favorite guests comparing your second... Read More

Weddings Abroad ? Does Paradise Come At A Price?

For some couples, jetting off to their dream location would... Read More

Low Budget Wedding Reception

The reception alone will bust your wedding budget if you're... Read More

How to Lower a Wedding Cake Price

I recall how Mrs. Ingridman taught me invaluable lessons on... Read More

Mens Diamond Rings ? The Ultimate Wedding Ring For The Modern Man

Mens diamond rings are becoming more and more popular with... Read More

Selecting Mens Formalwear For The Wedding

Have you ever noticed that weddings seem to be all... Read More

Cookie Wedding Favors

Cookies as wedding favors, create an unique twist on the... Read More

Wedding Gown Styles

The wedding gown is most important choice for a bride... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 4

When Maria Callas first appeared on the international scene, she... Read More

Marriage Counseling: How to Get the Most Value for Your Time and Money

Marriage counseling is an investment of money, time, and energy... Read More

Bridal Budget Beware

Getting hitched, taking the plunge, tying the knot, jumping the... Read More

Caricature Entertainment: A Surefire Way to Liven Up Your Wedding Celebration

Caricature entertainment will make your wedding celebration stand out and... Read More

Thoughts from Deik and Kims Wedding, for You and Your Marriage

Deik and Kim, remember that marriage is a COVENANT relationship.... Read More

Ditching a Wedding

John's cousin, Grace, is getting married in Liverpool, UK and... Read More

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

When people think about great love stories, more often than... Read More

Wedding Videos... What To Do

Bless the bride... and God help the video maker. True.... Read More

Wedding Shower Invitations: An Overview

The purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate the... Read More

The A To Z Guide For Your Wedding Day

AttendantsAttendants, include the best man, Bridesmaid, ushers, and groomsmen. Generally... Read More

Todays Wedding Is Brought To You In Association With ...

With the cost of today's weddings spiraling to astronomical levels,... Read More