Marriage Counseling Advice: Give Your Spouse Space to Breathe and Grow

When you're married, the boundaries between yourself and your spouse aren't always clear. For some people, marriage brings the expectation of spending as much time as possible with a spouse and doing most things together. In this model of marriage, the two people generally function as a single unit in thought and actions.

In other cases, individuals may not have learned healthy boundaries as children, and they may have been exposed to negative control on the part of adults in their life. In her book Facing Codependence, Pia Melody lists negative control as one of the secondary symptoms of codependence that affects your relationships with others. She defines negative control as giving yourself permission to determine someone else's reality for your own comfort.

According to Melody, negative control "happens whenever I give myself permission to determine for another person what he or she should look like (including dress and body size), or think, feel, and do or not dol" There is also a flip side to negative control, which is "allowing someone else to control me." Melody continues by stating, "Whenever I fail to determine for myself what I look like, what I think, what I feel, and what I do or don't do, and allow someone else to control any of those things for me, I am participating in negative control."

When you do not have healthy, distinct personal boundaries, you may try to change your spouse to be more like you want him/her to be to meet your needs and expectations. In so doing, you are dishonoring your partner and are not respecting his/her unique individuality and right to make choices. You are also failing to provide protected space so that your spouse's individual growth and potential can flourish.

Couples who do everything together miss putting important spaces in their togetherness so that new, separate growth can occur. Without new growth and fresh input from each person, a relationship can stagnate and lack vitality.

It's important for each spouse to have some time alone to pursue individual interests or enjoy being in solitude. Anne Morrow Lindberg, in her classic book, Gift from the Sea, states that "Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude." Solitude and time to "just be" can help each partner replenish energy and a sense of well-being.

Kahlil Gibran's words about marriage in The Prophet have been quoted often through the years, but they keep their wisdom and meaning: "...let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you." He continues by saying, "...And stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

When you crowd your partner and don't give him or her breathing room, you run the risk of smothering the very relationship that is most important to you. Enjoy your togetherness, but also honor your individuality.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

---

Have a Garden Theme Dream Wedding

You've found the perfect venue: old oaks, a stone wall,... Read More

Should You Wear White?

White is traditionally a symbol of purity and as it... Read More

10 Valentines Day Tips for Spouses Who Want to Improve Their Marriage

The best and most valuable gifts are often not material... Read More

Choosing Your Wedding Rings

One of the most important steps in planning your wedding,... Read More

Nine Ways to Save Money on Wedding Photography

Weddings are memorable events couples and their families want to... Read More

You?re Making Your Wedding List and Checking It Twice?What Have You Forgotten?

Preparing for a wedding, large or small, is overwhelming! A... Read More

Current Trends in Wedding Photography

Wedding photography is an evolving field that requires artistic talent,... Read More

Wedding Budget - What Can You Do To Shave It, Yet Still Have A Memorable Wedding?

OK, so you have your heart set on the top... Read More

The Brides Greatest Ally

On Friday, 1st May 1835, Mr Charles Dickens, the creator... Read More

Considering Success in Marriage

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and... Read More

Las Vegas Wedding Receptions

Las Vegas wedding receptions are where people tend to go... Read More

?ello? ?ello? ?ello? Is that the Wedding, then?

You hear them at champagne-flowing parties. You hear them in... Read More

How To Pick The Perfect Wedding Dress

Perhaps the biggest worry of a bride-to-be, is picking out... Read More

Traditional Bridal Shower Gifts

The tradition of hosting a bridal shower for the bride... Read More

Do You Hear Wedding Bells?

So you've been in that perfect relationship for some time... Read More

Indian Astrology and Marriages

Astrology is considered to be the oldest of all sciences,... Read More

Bridal Jewelry: Fulfilling a Wedding Tradition

'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.' This is... Read More

Ditching a Wedding

John's cousin, Grace, is getting married in Liverpool, UK and... Read More

How A Marriage Counseling Secret Can Save Your Marriage

How do you react if your spouse announces "I want... Read More

Have A Simple, Small, Green Wedding

A wedding is one of life's major rites of passage.... Read More

Love Connections - How Wonderful They Are

I've been noticing a few things lately that a few... Read More

Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

The formula for marital harmony and success is not a... Read More

Getting Great Deals on the Wedding Clothes

If you are planning to have a full wedding that... Read More

Wedding Dresses - What To Wear

You have begun to plan your wedding and you want... Read More

Your Bridal Shoes: No Need to Sacrifice Style for Comfort

Think your bridal gown is the most important garment you'll... Read More

Beautiful Balloon Wedding Decorations

Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding?... Read More

Wedding Loans: Perfect Finance Option for a Perfect Wedding

After seeing each other for years and being tagged as... Read More

Butterfly Releases

Butterfly Releases offer the viewer the chance to see beauty... Read More

Marriage Problems: Help in Preventing Them

When we want to be successful at something in life,... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 8

To paraphrase a song, "Are you doing it more, but... Read More

Growing and Connecting with Your Spouse

Do you remember when there were no children in your... Read More

Renewing Your Marriage Vows - On the Right Side of the Law

Movies, sitcoms and soapies made in the United States could... Read More

Caribbean Honeymoon Vacation - a Fancy Trip!

This season, a Caribbean honeymoon vacation will give you unlimited... Read More