Product Testing

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 24, 2002

I suppose there are worse problems than having two men who want to share their life with me. However, it is a genuine problem. I do need advice on sorting this all out.

My former husband and I wanted a baby and soon had one. The problems in our marriage stemmed from two teenage daughters from his first marriage. Their mom jumped ship after 10 years to "find herself," leaving him to raise the girls.

Suffice it to say the girls were extremely hard on me, and his family didn't accept that three years after his divorce, he moved on. We sought counseling, but it didn't resolve anything. I grew weary trying to raise two girls that hated me and dealing with his hostile family.

That was four years ago. For the next two years he was so bitter I left he wouldn't speak to me, and all communication was through third parties. Life has been difficult for me raising a son on my own. I had to sell the home I bought for the two of us and am still struggling financially.

After two years, I met a man with a son the same age as mine, and the boys rapidly became like brothers. His father and I also developed a close, intimate relationship, and he is financially successful. We've been together nearly two years and bought a home with the intention of getting married soon.

My current relationship never had the spark of sexual and emotional intensity my former husband and I shared. Still, we were content until I talked to my former husband for the first time in almost two years.

Therein lies the catch. My former husband says now that his youngest daughter has moved out, he is free to live life as he wants. He gives me flowers, writes me love notes, and says he wants to devote the rest of his years to bringing up our son together.

I never fell out of love with him, I just left the marriage lonely and very hurt. He says he, too, spent a long time trying to heal and is now ready to try to put it together again. We are not having sex. I know better. But my former husband gives me the attention I crave in my current relationship and don't get.

It seems odd to me that if a man really wanted to share his life with his son and his son's mother, he could tolerate them living with another man. I also find it unusual that my boyfriend, as an adult man, is willing to tolerate the advances of any man toward the woman he hopes to marry.

My third option would be to tell each man, politely, that neither made a perfect mate for me. Unfortunately, I'm in no position to be without a helpmate. I'm not holding out for a perfect relationship anymore. I realize that just doesn't exist, at least not in my world.

Jenna

Jenna, your dilemma is like the automobile comparisons in Consumer Reports. Each vehicle offers different features, and what matters most is personal preference. Do you most value safety, styling, or fuel economy?

Your ex-husband didn't defend you against his family, and people who remarry usually rediscover the good reason they divorced in the first place. Your boyfriend is a good person with no passion, but there is companionship for your son.

In the old song "Torn Between Two Lovers," a woman can't decide between two men, which means neither feels right. There is another song from the Hebrides, which contains the line "Thou art the music of my heart." That's what it feels like when the connection is true.

What you decide will be largely driven by financial need, so the question you ask is not one we can answer. What do you most value--safety, styling, or fuel economy?

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Why Does it Take So Long to Slow Down

Why do we wait so long, before we start thinking... Read More

My Life With Furniture

These days, I find the lines are blurred between school... Read More

Do You Feel Headed For Shipwreck?

The ocean liner Achille Lauro sailed perpetually under a dark... Read More

I Dont Like This

You always do this wrong, how many times would I... Read More

Self Talk: What Do You Say When You Talk to Yourself?

You have just completed a major work project before the... Read More

Everyone Has Been Hurt...Part 1

I want to share some things with you that I... Read More

Faith Like a Child

Jonathan:¡§This is my brother, Jonathan¡¨. They walked into the room... Read More

Changing the World... One Book at a Time

Ever read a book that's changed your life? Most of... Read More

What Will I Do When I Grow Up? Says The 45 Year Old Woman

I have always rather envied those people who have a... Read More

Inspirations: Some Other Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far

Some people live in and talk about the past so... Read More

Who Is Wallace Wattles and Why Is He One of My Mentors and Heroes?

Who is Wallace Wattles? Wallace D. Wattles died over 90... Read More

Discovering The Art of Bending Your Mindset And Manifesting Your Multiple Intelligences

Discovering the Art of Bending Your Mindset and Manifesting your... Read More

Anamchara - Living An Essential Life

What is essential in your life? This question contains one... Read More

Boarded Windows

You know how images trigger emotions? You can see something... Read More

What is Your Recovery Rate?

What is your recovery rate? How long does it take... Read More

Each Moment Is To Be Treasured

Let us grasp and treasure each precious moment of our... Read More

Why Self Esteem Matters

A number of years ago I worked for one of... Read More

Consulting Your Soul

Recently I approached a traffic light where a man stood... Read More

Two Drops Of Water

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 17,... Read More

Care And Maintenance Of The Human Hard Drive

The human brain is very much like a hard drive.... Read More

Joy in Perseverance

I will persist until I succeed. Always will I take... Read More

The Minds Fancy Dress Party -Or- A Brainstorming Session

In Berlin a restaurant opens for anorexics and in Buffalo... Read More

Maybe Im Amazed at the Way you Love Me all the Time

In Corrogue I am amazedI rise by the light of... Read More

Make Life Work: Repair the Relationship with Yourself

What areas of your life are working well? Career? Finances?Relationships?... Read More

Forgotten Dreams: At the End... Part I

Treasures of a lifetime...At the end of your life will... Read More

Unconditional Love is Absolute Freedom to Screw Up Your Life

In my lifetime, I have never witnessed enduring unconditional love... Read More

From The Ashes

The man plopped down on his chair, defeated.His father's maxims... Read More

Pattern of Ripples

The Emmaus Journal Pattern of RipplesPicture within your mind an... Read More

Small Wonder

Wonder:~~To think or speculate curiously~~To be filled with admiration, amazement... Read More

Inspired For Women

One man can make a difference. I've been saying this... Read More

Perception

My friend Donald said to me one evening, "this is... Read More

Passion: What It Means To Live With It

Passion can guide you, not just to live, but to... Read More

Innocent Fun

Just the other day, I escaped the business of my... Read More