An Unquenched Thirst

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9, 2002

I'm engaged to a wonderful, warm and loving man whom I've been with for four years. We have always had mismatched libido. I would prefer to have sex nearly every day, but he would choose once a week or less.

Early in our relationship we fought about this issue. He let me see that if I asked for sex much more than he wanted, he felt diminished as a man. So I've adjusted by limiting myself to only rarely initiating sex. He's adjusted in offering me more verbal and nonsexual physical affection each day.

Lately I'm worrying this issue will spell disaster down the road. Even as I've accustomed myself to having infrequent sex, there has been no adjustment to my libido. I find myself daily fantasizing and writing explicit stories (starring him).

I don't hide these things from him, but I mostly keep quiet about them because I fear he feels my sexuality strange. Is this type of problem a deal-breaker when it comes to marriage?

Georgiana

Georgiana, you are talking about making permanent something which isn't adequate or acceptable now. It doesn't matter that you have a history with him or that you have a certain amount of feeling for each other. You both made a concerted effort to come to a mutually satisfying outcome, and it's not working.

The next step, marriage, should occur when a relationship is so fulfilling now that marriage will only enhance and deepen it. Glossing over issues puts off the day of reckoning, and wishes don't change reality. If you don't deal with reality now, reality will deal with you later.

At the end of Hemingway's novel "The Sun Also Rises," a woman laments what might have been. "We could have had such a damn good time together," she says. If things had been right. But they weren't.

Wayne

Premature Eviction

My boyfriend is in the middle of a divorce which will be final next month. He was married 20 years, with no children.

We have a very solid relationship. In fact, it is the best relationship I ever had with a man. My boyfriend wants to remain friendly with his ex-wife, but not the kind of friend you hang out with. He says he has no intention of getting back together with her, nor she with him.

Two months ago, his father was hospitalized. My boyfriend often picked up his wife to visit his dad in the hospital. His ex-wife was like a daughter to him. When his father died three days ago, I was the first person my boyfriend called. Since I am a writer by profession, he asked if I would write the eulogy for the family-only memorial service.

Over breakfast I met his mom and "interviewed" her about her husband. I loved meeting her, and she opened up to me. I wrote the eulogy later in the afternoon. My boyfriend read it and cried. He said it was perfect.

I wasn't invited to the memorial, but his soon-to-be ex was there along with members of the immediate family. His wife is still very close to his mother. I want her to get lost. How can I keep her from hanging around in the future?

Naomi

Naomi, people come not only with a personality, but with a whole set of past relationships. Your boyfriend's wife had a long relationship with his parents.

You are not grieving for his father, she is, and he is still married to her. That doesn't put you in the front seat yet; it means you are still in the back seat.

The writing of the eulogy was something you did out of love for your boyfriend. It was not a ticket to the funeral. Don't try to evict his wife before her lease is up, and realize that some of her relationships, and his, will endure into the future.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Why Buddhism Succeeds - The Right Thing is the Thing to do

The ongoing teachings are exemplified in an understanding and execution... Read More

Are You Taking Responsibility?

It is time to take responsibility for our actions and... Read More

Innovation Management ? Being Receptive to Inspiration

Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation... Read More

Be a Star in Your Own Life

Do you have the charactertics to be star in their... Read More

Full Disclosure

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 21,... Read More

Have You Been Lucky In Life?

Each moment in life, "lucky" or "unlucky", is to be... Read More

A Path To Peace

The root of discord and violence between people and nations... Read More

Who are you?

I have a question for you.Who are you?This may be... Read More

Tending the Fire

In old buildings there was a boiler room where men... Read More

Computers and Internet: Inspiring Us to Create

The Internet is sometimes criticized (usually by parents who think... Read More

Why Be Great?

Have you ever thought of what it would take to... Read More

The Family

Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 19,... Read More

From The Ashes

The man plopped down on his chair, defeated.His father's maxims... Read More

The Theft of Fire

"Igne Natura Renovatur Integra" (By fire is nature renewed whole.)... Read More

Begin With the End In Mind - Tips to Make Your Life More Meaningful

What would you change if you knew you would be... Read More

Inspired Intuition - Following Your Inner Voice

"Some people call the still, small voice insight or intuition?Our... Read More

An Unquenched Thirst

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9,... Read More

Escape into Reality and Find Love

The early months of this year brought major challenges, as... Read More

Need for a Belief System: A System of Organization for Your Experiences!

I've spoken with many people who, over time, have felt... Read More

Once in a Lifetime

A subscriber recently wrote to me and asked me to... Read More

Quest for Freedom--A Story Of Pure Courage

The Nazis stormed into the house of Stanislavsky Lech, who... Read More

Discernment and Judgement

Discernment is an inner guide or compass. It is loving... Read More

How A Sense Of Wonder Makes Life Richer

It always amazes me when I meet someone who has... Read More

Work In Progress: 10 Benefits of Not Knowing It All

1. You can relax and enjoy your life more if... Read More

Who Are The Underminers?

How many of you had the experience growing up of... Read More

L.S. Macs Treasures

Such as my defeat overwhelmed me, so did my love... Read More

A Dream is Just a Dream ... Or is It?

Some people dismiss dreams as nonsense, thought patterns running amuck... Read More

One Night Stand

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 24,... Read More

Boarded Windows

You know how images trigger emotions? You can see something... Read More

Get Your Guidance and Get to Know Your True Self

Many people feel they have everything they need in life,... Read More

Rocking The Boat

I work in a factory, and we have supervisors who... Read More

Have You Voted Today

Huh? You're probably wondering when this article was written, and... Read More

Navigating The Squeeze

Today more than ever before, we are witnessing a crises... Read More