On Stand-by

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 28, 2003

My wife of 35 years has fallen in love again with her old college boyfriend. I am 61, and she is 58. We have three grown children. Her boyfriend is 59, married, with two grown children.

They had not communicated since college. A year ago they met at a class reunion. Since then, they have constantly talked on the phone. I know about their communication because my wife told me. However, last December my wife became secretive.

One night I heard her saying "I love you" to him. When I confronted my wife, she admitted she loved him but she still loves me, too. She said she's not going to leave me and break up the family. She begged me not to leave or stop loving her.

As a compromise we agreed he can call her once in awhile if he has important news about their classmates. She would not call him, as I reiterated to her that would be a violation of trust. However, a month later I overheard them talking. Again she begged me not to give up on her.

I talked to my wife's boyfriend, and he assured me he's not trying to break up our family. He can wait until she is free, meaning if I die. If that happens, then they can pursue their dreams together. If not, then it's not meant to be.

I love my wife and trust her with anything but her long distance love affair. He lives halfway across the country. They haven't had physical involvement yet, but despite its absence, I am deeply hurt. Shall I leave her, give up on her, or wait and see?

Harry

Harry, your wife has shattered your world and your relationship with her. Even if she stays, you will wonder about her reasons.

She didn't wake up the day of the reunion a different person. She was already at a point where there was room for this to occur. When your wife talks to her boyfriend, you are not there. She and her unrestrained feelings are there.

Relationships can become a habit, like putting your hat in the same place each time you come home. That does not reflect some deep emotion. It's just a habit. Habits can mask many feelings, the lack of feeling, or the longing for something else. That is why you may not feel you saw this coming, because she was maintaining most of her habits as your wife.

Love is like a race. We all want to finish first. You cannot be forced into second place and feel good about yourself. The longer you are passive, the worse you will feel because you will be letting two other people decide what your life will be.

You must decide how much contact, if any, you can accept. You must decide if certain boundaries are crossed, what you will do. You must decide for yourself what is acceptable for you, or if a boundary has already been crossed from which there is no return.

Tamara

Simple Answers

I have been seeing this fellow for the past year. He says he has a love for me and feels comfortable with me.

He mentioned when he is around me he thinks of someone dear to his heart. I asked, "Who?" He said, "My mother." I asked, "Is that why you can't have sex with me, because you see your mother?" He said, "Yes." Where does that leave me?

Zora

Zora, more than a century ago William James talked about the psychologist's fallacy. What he meant was that people are inclined to view everything as some sort of psychological problem to be solved.

Things are often a lot simpler than that. He loves you like he loves his mother. You want someone who loves and desires you as a wife. Where does that leave you? In need of a cold shower.

Wayne

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Discover The Magic Of Doing What You Love

Do what you love to do and give it your... Read More

How To Weather Lifes Inevitable Storms

In the Northeast, we have a few months to prepare... Read More

Jerrys Yo-Yo

The blaring sound leapt under Jerry's skin and strangled him... Read More

The Serpents Genesis 1 and 2

Not long after the beginning a being fell from the... Read More

Money or Faith?

I've been to 64-countries, and yes money comes in handy,... Read More

You Dont Find All Drunks in the Gutter: The Story of a Functional Alcoholic!

Today, August 22, 2005, I am clean and sober for... Read More

You Are So Unreal

Mankind's ability to give life to lifeless objects, gives rise... Read More

The Spectacular You

I recently received a letter addressed to Spectacular Rachelle Lee.... Read More

Inspired For Women

One man can make a difference. I've been saying this... Read More

The True and Magnificent Power of Giving

You've probably heard of the popular saying "It's better to... Read More

Trusting Yourself and Others

How come, as women, we always second-guess ourselves? Are we... Read More

Inspirations: Some Other Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far

Some people live in and talk about the past so... Read More

Boarded Windows

You know how images trigger emotions? You can see something... Read More

How To Be a Champion in Your Life

Are you left with inspiration but no action after hearing,... Read More

Resistance to Change

All of us are resistant to change, whether it's in... Read More

Impaired Judgment

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 23,... Read More

The Information Age

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 1,... Read More

Fulfill Your Dreams: Believe in You

What we believe plays a very big role in outcomes... Read More

Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life

What if there were just two choices you could make... Read More

The Finer, and Finest, Things in Life

In America, we have a saying: The finer things in... Read More

Being Relatable in Todays World as a Christian

There are reasons we cross paths with those that we... Read More

Re-Define Realistic: True Power Series

This is the eighth article in our "True Power" series.... Read More

Life Lessons I Learned from My Cat

Even if you are not a cat person, bear with... Read More

Life Inspiration: 12 Tips for Successful Living

1. Constant affirmation without accountability is a sure-fire way to... Read More

Who is My Mother?

Text: Matthew 12:46-50, Mark 3: 31-35, Luke 8:19Mother's Day has... Read More

Numbers

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 19,... Read More

Honesty

Those who pride themselves on their honesty should also concern... Read More

Misery Can Eat You Alive

This is a true story about a woman I worked... Read More

Everyone Has Been Hurt...Part 3

Continued....When I turned 18 years old, I met a new... Read More

The Pledge

You know kids, one of the things I've learned by... Read More

Careful What You Wish For...

I have always been fascinated by the concept of "wishing.",... Read More

The 5 Fortunes Within

What could be nearer to us than our own selves.... Read More

Lock In Your Legacy

You, my friend, are going to die.What? What kind of... Read More