Unintended Consequences

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 26, 2003

My sister is celebrating her tenth anniversary this summer, and I'm concerned she is letting her relationship go. Her husband refuses to acknowledge any problems and doesn't believe in counseling.

At the time my sister married, she was a successful businesswoman with a promising career. She worked through the birth of her second child, putting her husband through school, buying his first dental practice, and making their mortgage payments. She became a full-time mom at the birth of her third child.

Her husband just doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't seem to know how to be sensitive to her need to feel loved and appreciated. He works just four days a week and spends at least one day a week golfing.

She's tried to make him understand, but he doesn't think anything is wrong except he doesn't get to golf as much as he likes, and she doesn't "put out" like she used to. I've tried to be a good listener to my sister, though we live thousands of miles apart.

Once her children were in school full-time, my sister went back to work. The hours she spends on the road (she's in sales) give her far too much time to think, and I'm afraid she's going to make a decision about her marriage and family without any help or reason.

I suggested she get a referral to a therapist. Although it would be great for the two of them to go together, there is no way he would go, and he would only lose respect for her if he knew she was going.

Would it be bad if I called her husband myself and got his take on the whole situation? The way my sister is talking, it sounds like she may just call it quits.

Karen

Karen, in the "The Monkey's Paw," a famous short story, a couple wishes for money and they get the exact sum they wanted. It is compensation for the death of their son, who is horribly mangled in a factory accident. The moral of the story is clear: be careful what you wish for.

We absolutely understand your concern for your sister; however, there is no guarantee what you wish for will help. We often get letters from people who were pleased with the course of their marriage counseling. It became individual counseling and led to divorce and the beginning of a new life.

Therapy may only confirm your sister's feeling about starting a new life without her husband. If you call your brother-in-law, he may feel secrets of his life and marriage have been shared without his knowledge or consent. You could be putting ideas into his head.

Your brother-in-law may view your sister's new job as shopping for a new husband, or he may complain about his meddling sister-in-law. Your brother-in-law may become angry, stubborn, or vengeful. He may drive a wedge between you and your sister.

Many of us want to correct everything which goes wrong in our quadrant of the universe, but it is simply beyond our power. You don't want your sister to get divorced, but that is beyond your power. What is within your power is to be there for your sister, as her sister, no matter what happens.

Wayne & Tamara

Method Of Approach

I want to divorce my wife of 10 years for many reasons. My main fear is how to handle such a terrible shock to my 3-year-old son. How do I handle telling him on the very day I tell my wife that I want a divorce?

Payne

Payne, it sounds as if your news will shock your wife. The question to ask is how to tell your wife in a way which minimizes harm to your son. The key to your son's reaction is how you, and your wife, handle the change in your relationship.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Body Acceptance: The Secret to Weight Loss Success

Can we love our bodies? As the years go by,... Read More

Purpose filled Lives --The Big Picture!

"Can't see the forest because of the trees," heard it... Read More

Heart

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 24,... Read More

Brilliance in Balance

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else;... Read More

Rocking The Boat

I work in a factory, and we have supervisors who... Read More

Afraid of The Light?

Plato once said, "It is easy to forgive a small... Read More

Its Not My Job to Free Tibet

I hate saying that. It feels so very wrong. It's... Read More

Garbage In Its Place

There is nothing worse than seeing garbage blowing down the... Read More

Ignorance and Fantasy

Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy?... Read More

Make A Difference - Just Go Make A Difference!

Three Words That Can Help Us Live Exceptional LivesCertain words... Read More

How to Overcome Loneliness

Nowadays the majority of people live in very large cities.... Read More

Supercharge Your Dreams!

We all accept the fact that the lighter the backpack,... Read More

How To Deal With Rejection

Rejection! Who hasn't experienced the horrible feeling of being rejected?... Read More

Material Girl

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 16,... Read More

Financial Freedom Blues

Steps to Financial Freedom, roadmap to financial freedom, achieve financial... Read More

Addicted To Her

Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 4,... Read More

The Karate Kid

I have an unexpected relationship problem. It's hard to believe... Read More

Recipe for Success

"Desire is a tremendous force, and must be directed in... Read More

The Road Not Taken

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 24,... Read More

Discovering The Art of Bending Your Mindset And Manifesting Your Multiple Intelligences

Discovering the Art of Bending Your Mindset and Manifesting your... Read More

Comfort and Achievement

I'll share with you one of my deepest insights about... Read More

The Pledge

You know kids, one of the things I've learned by... Read More

In Tall Grass

My best friend, Ryan, told me last night he got... Read More

$12 And 90 Minutes To Change Your Life

Have you ever listened to self hypnosis tapes? Or listened... Read More

The Bright Side of Loneliness

Recently a romantic relationship came to an end and I... Read More

One Night Stand

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 24,... Read More

Words Of Wisdom

Carlos' Words of Wisdom1. Today is your day to exceed,... Read More

Energy Work Basics Part 1: So What is Energy?

Everything is made of energy. Atoms, molecules, light, sound and... Read More

Realistic Living

" The fountain of content must spring up in the... Read More

A Dream is Just a Dream ... Or is It?

Some people dismiss dreams as nonsense, thought patterns running amuck... Read More

Accelerate Your Abilities

In today's fast-paced life, the wins usually go to those... Read More

Wherever You Are, Be There

One of the major reasons why we fail to find... Read More

No Problem!

Thanks to Walt Disney's "The Lion King", children the world... Read More