Duplicity

Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 26, 2004

We've been married 20 years. In order to spice up our sex life we would occasionally share fantasies, and one that seemed to turn us both on involved my wife with me and another man. This remained a fantasy until recently when we had drinks with a photographer who specializes in "boudoir photography."

Probably as a result of too much wine I asked if he would take photos of my wife, and he agreed. On the day of the photo session my wife asked me what she should do as she was nervous. I conveyed to her she was to lose her inhibitions and enjoy the experience. The shoot took place at midday, and I could not be there.

Afterwards she told me the photo session had been a success. She and the photographer shared a bottle of wine, and in the course of the session she'd learned much about posing properly. She went on to say she and the photographer participated in a whole gamut of sex acts she really enjoyed since he had unlimited stamina.

She said she hoped I felt good since she had gone along with it for me. She says she loves me more than ever and will not ever do this again. Her subsequent actions support this. Although I helped to arrange it, I am unable to stop thinking of the whole episode. I want to get over it and move on, but I'm losing sleep big time.

John

John, in one of Mozart's operas, an older man bets two younger ones their sweethearts are fickle. As part of the bet, the two younger men are to pretend to be called away, then return in disguise and try to seduce the women. The older man is confident the women will not be faithful; the young men are equally confident they will be.

While the plot is hokey, it flirts with a great truth. Our deepest desire is for someone who wants only us. What you really want is for your wife to say and mean, "You are the only one I could ever make love to." That is the sexier thing and the deeper desire.

You didn't understand your sexual fantasy would override your deeper desire. In your head you controlled the outcome. In actuality, you controlled nothing. You didn't fantasize your feelings would turn out like this. But in the letters we receive, one or both parties is always revolted by the outcome.

Your wife was not true to your fantasy. You weren't there, and that is why you feel she is mollifying you. But even if you had been there, your feelings would likely be the same. We never, ever, recommend intimate relationships with more than one person. In the letters we receive, the outcome is always what you describe.

Wayne & Tamara

Diminished Capacity

Last month my boyfriend of eight years and I hosted a New Year's Eve party. After I was completely and utterly drunk, my boyfriend and best friend took me into the bedroom with plans to have a threesome. We discussed this before but not thoroughly.

My somewhat sober boyfriend had sex with her. Apparently (I don't remember much) I approved. Now I am heartbroken. Everything that was so special between us is gone. I look at him with disgust because of the things they did. I am so ashamed this happened. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.

Audra

Audra, we get more letters about sexual jealousy than about any other topic. This is the most intimate act you can do with another person. Most people cannot tolerate even the suggestion there is someone else in their partner's life.

The third, fourth, fifth, or sixteenth person in an intimate relationship dilutes and devalues the relationship. When the relationship is no longer mutually exclusive, the boundaries are lost, and usually, so is the relationship.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Searching for the Meaning of Life!

Are you looking for the meaning of life?You work all... Read More

Why Buddhism Succeeds - The Right Thing is the Thing to do

The ongoing teachings are exemplified in an understanding and execution... Read More

Life is Art

In my years teaching people to be successful, I have... Read More

Its Not Always About the Benjamins, Baby

Often when I receive emails from this list with folks,... Read More

Believe In Yourself

Diana is a wonderful person with a great personality and... Read More

Random Thoughts on Living Your Best Life

More things I've noticed along the way:* Our son's birthday... Read More

Journaling for Two

Journaling is a powerful tool that can enhance our lives... Read More

How To Walk On The Path Of Peace (Part 2)

If you are praying daily for wisdom, for peace, a... Read More

Magical Wreaths

Wreaths are like rings. They represent the Universal Circle ("Let... Read More

My Life With Furniture

These days, I find the lines are blurred between school... Read More

Comfort and Achievement

I'll share with you one of my deepest insights about... Read More

False Start

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 7,... Read More

Innovation Management ? Being Receptive to Inspiration

Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation... Read More

One Night Stand

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 24,... Read More

Fear No Evil - How To Avoid Worry And Fear

"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow... Read More

Helen Keller: A Teller and a Seller

What are the odds of someone doing extraordinary things if... Read More

By Now, Im an Expert at Memory Loss

I sat down to write my weekly humor column, but... Read More

Death Wish

I tremble at the thought that millions of people suffer... Read More

Get On with Your LIfe

You've lost your job, that's all you know, and you... Read More

Ask the Angels - Get Specific !

There are Angels for everything and they are just waiting... Read More

Sissys Show of Support

I had been fighting with the software program that I... Read More

The Creative Evolution of Intellectual Properties: The Royal Critters/Whale Magic (TM) Project

Hello Creative Entrepreneurs!The moral of that story is to follow... Read More

Four Words that Make Life Worthwhile

Over the years as I've sought out ideas, principles and... Read More

Keep Hope Alive

"Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the... Read More

How to Guarantee a GREAT Day Every Day!

I have a standing interview every Monday morning on a... Read More

Generosity Is The Seed Of Wealth

Generosity, which includes the free, no strings-attached sharing of resources,... Read More

7 Strategies To Make Room For Money

Laws of the Attraction notwithstanding, there are several external ways... Read More

Moral Obligation & Responsibility

Chances are you have seen some type of disturbance in... Read More

My Lost Immortality

Oh my God, I'm not immortal anymore! What happened? Where's... Read More

Maybe Im Amazed at the Way you Love Me all the Time

In Corrogue I am amazedI rise by the light of... Read More

Play a BIGGER role in life!

Did you ever think that you are not playing the... Read More

Delay Can Reveal Doubts

Confident Expectation! The feeling of 'confidence' is the assurance that... Read More

The Four Emotions that Can Lead to Life Change

Emotions are the most powerful forces inside us. Under the... Read More